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Original poster

Is talking about other girls just something most guys do?

79 replies

ArialAnna · 18/12/2016 00:41

I know I shouldn't have (no good ever comes of it) but I looked through the what's app messages on DH's phone. I think I was feeling insecure as we haven't had sex for 4 months and I was wondering whether he'd started flirting with other girls out of sexual frustration (I'm 9 months pregnant and just haven't felt in the mood at all, though I've given him the odd hand and bj). There were a few slightly flirty conversations with female friends of his, but if I'm being sensible there was nothing really worse than ordinary banter. What's upset me more is that there is a conversation with a male colleague where they are discussing various female colleagues and what they are wearing and DH expresses a desire to 'do' one of them and says he had a dream about another. Part of me thinks I should just dismiss this as idiotic laddish things that men sometimes say to each other that are in reality meaningless. But part of me feels really hurt at the thought he's lusting after other women, particularly as I'm feeling massive and unattractive. My brain also can't reconcile that conservation as being from the same loving DH who all through my pregnancy so has been rubbing my back, & running round constantly getting me drinks, cooking meals, etc. Argh! It's so confusing - I wish I'd never looked! (I know - serves me right). What do you think?

OP posts:
Branleuse · 18/12/2016 12:26

I wouldnt like it either, but I think his apology is fair and i would probably leave it at that

MozzchopsThirty · 18/12/2016 12:29

Oh I have some experience of this

Exh always talked about other women, saying he'd 'do' them
I thought this was normal

Until I divorced the twat and met someone new who was horrified when I'd see someone on the tv and say 'oh I'd do him'
It's taken me a while to realise that this behaviour is abusive, demeaning, disrespectful and not fucking on!

Anyway exh is now fucking one of those women he wanted to 'do' during our marriage!
Bloody good luck to her

CondensedMilkSarnies · 18/12/2016 12:38

I wouldn't like a partner saying he'd like to 'do' another woman but for balance I have seen many posts on MN talking about a male celeb and saying something like 'cor , I would'

Original poster
ArialAnna · 18/12/2016 12:50

Boo, it's me that's not wanted to have sex - I've just been so big that jiggling around is the last thing I'd want to do! He'd happily have sex but hasn't wanted to push me on it, as he knows ive not been in the mood. He frequently says I'm beautiful so I can't say he doesn't try to make me feel attractive. In most ways he's an explempary husband, which is why this feels so out of character and disconcerting.

Anyway he's apologised and said he won't do it again so think I need to just accept that and move on.

OP posts:
QueenLizIII · 18/12/2016 12:50

If you read the actual texts the DH never said he'd do her
The OP paraphrased that.

He said he'd like to launch at her rather than what they were doing or something along those lines.

Therightplace9 · 18/12/2016 12:50

I think in private a lot of men whether single or not so talk like this. They certainly do in the place I work on nights out etc. I heard one at the Xmas party the other night saying how fit A looked and he would really love a night with her! He is married and I guess he won't be 1. Getting the night with her as she is a pretty 25 year old and he is a balding 45 year old and 2. he is actually quite a devoted family man from what I hear and she is totally loved up.

I think it's just men talk but can see how it may hurt your feelings.

Seek and you shall find comes to mind though when looking at phones. Whatever will happen in life will happen whether you check phones or not.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 18/12/2016 13:00

I notice my DH noticing women, but not in a sleazy way - usually he comments on their dress or hair if he thinks they would look nice on me. I have asked him what he would do if an attractive woman propositioned him and he said he would run a mile. I have no reason to doubt him. A woman he works with took a fancy to him a couple of months ago and he told her he was married and not interested. She kept flirting heavily so he asked me to meet him from work so that she would see he is happily married.

I have never found messages of the sort you describe on his phone, nor heard him idly fantasising about anyone. I'm sorry OP but it doesn't sound good..I would be very hurt.

Huskylover1 · 18/12/2016 13:10

Sorry if I'm being thick, but what does he even mean when he says he wishes he was launching on her? Wishes he was on top of her? Or launching his load?

Anyway, this would upset most people. I'm not pregnant, and I would be deeply upset about this.

Naicehamshop · 18/12/2016 13:39

Do people really not see the difference between say they'd like to "do " someone, and saying they like/fancy/find attractive/would like to spend the night with them? "Do" to me just like sex inflicted on someone - not something that is mutually agreed.

Reread the original post Queen - you have misunderstood imo.

NotTheFordType · 18/12/2016 13:51

Do people really not see the difference between say they'd like to "do " someone, and saying they like/fancy/find attractive/would like to spend the night with them?

But the meaning is the same whether I say "I'd ride that all night long" or "I find myself sexually aroused at the thought of intercourse with that gentleman," or "I would like to put that man's penis in my vagina."

baconandeggies · 18/12/2016 14:22

He was feeling lonely at work and wanted ladz bantz with his colleague. Fair enough - but he was monumentally sexist and stupid to decide to 'bond' in this way; which could result in disciplinary action, let alone the fact that he also disrespected his partner and DC.

If you believe him OP and he's not usually an insulting sleazebag, then that's up to you.

MotherTeresasCat · 18/12/2016 14:56

All the, 'well women say things like that too' comments are annoying.

When men and women are equal then the loaded comments they make will be equally damaging/harmless/whatever.

But the power imbalances between the genders do still mean that it is not the same when we make sexually loaded comments about eachother.

For example, if I touch a mans bum in a bar without his permission this is terrible behaviour. But he is not usually frightened I might get aggressive or violent if he challenges me about it. Likewise, I can make unsolicited, sexually loaded comments at a male colleague and again, this is unpleasant behaviour. But he is not generally concerned that it is his career that will end up taking the nose dive if he speaks up and tells me he doesn't like it.

Men - in general - still hold the balance of power in their relationships with women. At work, in the home, and everywhere. Not always, but in general. And that is why it is not the same thing when women do to men what men do to women.

BrendaMarx · 18/12/2016 14:56

Yep I work in a very male dominated work place and they do egg eachother on and talk about women like that on a semi regular basis.
But to be fair i've heard female work colleagues have similar conversation's in the past too about the 'hot' guys at work...

badabing36 · 18/12/2016 15:18

As a man.....

He he he I wouldn't type that on MN if I were you.

I guess it's a compatibility thing. I don't like that banter (eww). My dp doesn't like it. My friend is like that about men, he's like that about women. Works for them I guess, but I find it a bit gross.

I think you handled it pretty well op. The lack of respect for women is the problem, more than the attraction I think.

Original poster
ArialAnna · 18/12/2016 15:18

I don't really feel like I've got any choice but to forgive him and move on - I can't throw away a relationship of nearly 11 years because of it. It just hurts and the timing is so shitty being just 4 weeks before our first is due :-(

OP posts:
badabing36 · 18/12/2016 15:19

Maybe he finds it a bit awkward when colleagues are like this and is trying to fit in?

Original poster
ArialAnna · 18/12/2016 15:21

Thanks Badabing, that makes me feel a bit better.

I know I shouldn't have looked in the first place.

OP posts:
KinkyAfro · 18/12/2016 15:36

Awful I also work in a male dominated industry (construction) and this kind of thing goes on a lot. I know a lot of their wives and often wonder what they'd think if they heard it. These are professional men, in marriages with babies, toddlers and grown up kids...makes me feel quite sick. I've worked in this industry for 20+ years, I can honestly say not a day goes by when I don't hear sexual remarks or snippets of their conversations. It's very sad, we all want to think the best of our DPs, husbands etc. but it probably goes on a lot where groups of men are involved.

Have also heard it from the women in the head offices so not only a bloke thing

Naicehamshop · 18/12/2016 19:09

*When men and women are equal then the loaded comments they make will be equally damaging/harmless/whatever.

But the power imbalances between the genders do still mean that it is not the same when we make sexually loaded comments about eachother.

For example, if I touch a mans bum in a bar without his permission this is terrible behaviour. But he is not usually frightened I might get aggressive or violent if he challenges me about it. Likewise, I can make unsolicited, sexually loaded comments at a male colleague and again, this is unpleasant behaviour. But he is not generally concerned that it is his career that will end up taking the nose dive if he speaks up and tells me he doesn't like it.

Men - in general - still hold the balance of power in their relationships with women. At work, in the home, and everywhere. Not always, but in general. And that is why it is not the same thing when women do to men what men do to women*.

This. THIS. ^^

Everyone who has said "but women say the same..." please read the above.

Brilliant post MotherTeresa.

MotherTeresasCat · 18/12/2016 20:55

Thanks Naicehamshop Smile

spooniestudent · 19/12/2016 02:00

I was going to say that it's just guys having a laugh, and that I talk about guys I think are hot with mates, but the message you just posted was really gross and creepy.

whattodowiththepoo · 19/12/2016 04:47

He didn't do anything wrong, you did.

TataEs · 19/12/2016 05:55

it wouldn't bother me.

seems like you've spoken about it and he says he won't do it again. id leave it there.

others are right about the sexism bit blah blah and in the grand scheme it's unacceptable, but it just wouldn't be a deal breaker in my relationship for me. he's said something brass and obnoxious, he's apologised, it's not worth going over further as you've said otherwise he's a good egg.

OnionKnight · 19/12/2016 06:35

You snooped, found something slightly untoward and you've clung onto it to justify your snooping. He's apologised for it which is great but have you apologised for snooping? I'm a bit worried about your behaviour OP as you've admitted that in the past you have done something based on your insecurity.

Original poster
ArialAnna · 19/12/2016 08:32

I did say sorry for snooping. I know it's not an excuse but I think I was just feeling panicky and anxious in general about the massive change our lives are about to go through (and whether it was the right decision etc - too late now), and am beginning to feel overwhelmed by the amount I've got left to do at work before I finish in a couple of weeks. Plus I keep busting into tears every couple of days (which is probably pregnancy hormones, but telling myself that doesn't always help).

OP posts:
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