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Original poster

Is talking about other girls just something most guys do?

79 replies

ArialAnna · 18/12/2016 00:41

I know I shouldn't have (no good ever comes of it) but I looked through the what's app messages on DH's phone. I think I was feeling insecure as we haven't had sex for 4 months and I was wondering whether he'd started flirting with other girls out of sexual frustration (I'm 9 months pregnant and just haven't felt in the mood at all, though I've given him the odd hand and bj). There were a few slightly flirty conversations with female friends of his, but if I'm being sensible there was nothing really worse than ordinary banter. What's upset me more is that there is a conversation with a male colleague where they are discussing various female colleagues and what they are wearing and DH expresses a desire to 'do' one of them and says he had a dream about another. Part of me thinks I should just dismiss this as idiotic laddish things that men sometimes say to each other that are in reality meaningless. But part of me feels really hurt at the thought he's lusting after other women, particularly as I'm feeling massive and unattractive. My brain also can't reconcile that conservation as being from the same loving DH who all through my pregnancy so has been rubbing my back, & running round constantly getting me drinks, cooking meals, etc. Argh! It's so confusing - I wish I'd never looked! (I know - serves me right). What do you think?

OP posts:
Naicehamshop · 18/12/2016 09:24

Very good post AhYer - completely agree.

Saying that you find someone attractive - fine. Saying that you want to "do" them... ? Pathetic, disrespectful immature little man.

TheNaze73 · 18/12/2016 09:30

I think we actually agree AhYer

I'm just saying I can't see this as being any different to a colleague telling me that Brad Pitt "would get it"

namechange102 · 18/12/2016 09:31

Also think there's a big difference talking about celebrities you will never meet (or fictional characters,etc), compared to a work colleague (or mutual friend, etc) who is realistically much more approachable, and interacted with in real life, and possibly to reciprocate! I don't go round telling ppl who I would like to 'do' either. Seems rather crass at middle age...

Piehunter · 18/12/2016 09:38

My DH works in a largely female environment. I KNOW he flirts with some of the girls there (we are both flirty people by nature) and that's OK with me, he's got strict boundaries around it re: physical contact and it helps make the work day go quicker, I get that, however if I found out he was telling people he wanted to "do" one of them I'd be really hurt. We can discuss the attractiveness of people without going that far..

AtrociousCircumstance · 18/12/2016 09:41

Can't believe believe some people think this is ok. It's not. You have have every right to be furious and feel betrayed. What a disloyal twat.

You need to speak to him and be very clear about how it made you feel.

Bluntness100 · 18/12/2016 09:45

I work in a male dominated environment and I hate the fuckwit men who view their female colleagues like this and reduce them to no more than a piece of ass and then encourage other men to do the same, as your partner is doing my proactively texting other male colleagues about female colleagues in this manner.

So my issue would be not he fancies other women, it would absolutely be he is a sexist wanker who views woman he works with in sexual terms first and foremost. And yes, I'd have strong words to say about respecting female colleagues, if that woman found out he'd been talking about her in this way, she'd have every right to complain about the misogynistic bastard.

Original poster
ArialAnna · 18/12/2016 09:51

I think it bothers me on both fronts - a) him publicly expressing a desire for other women (which I know some women do about men, but it's never been my style, even with celebrities etc. And somehow women in the office seems worse than celebs, who people tend to forget are real people even though they probably shouldn't), and b) the derogatory way he spoke about it, which sounds totally foreign to me coming the person who's my best friend and main support 99% of the time.

We talked about it and he didn't get angry with me for snooping - perhaps because of the pregnancy hormones, or because after over 10 years he's used to my occasional insecure freak outs. He said he was sorry and ashamed about those messages and he wouldn't do it again. He said he'd been a bit lonely in the office since he'd been promoted and moved desks (which he's mentioned before) and part of it was trying to reconnect with the guy he sat with, but he said that wasn't an excuse and he wants to set a better example than that for our future son. This has made me feel better about it

OP posts:
SherlockStones · 18/12/2016 09:53

Bluntness100
Not only are you assuming a lot you're also being very liberal with the terms sexist and misogynistic there, does he do it to every female colleague? Are women in the work place that did similar misandrists?

GloriaGaynor · 18/12/2016 09:58

Only the shit ones.

I'm really sorry OP your DH is grim.

Islacornx · 18/12/2016 09:59

I would not be okay with this at all OP.
I'd feel so hurt and tbh my self esteem would take a bit of a knock.
I've recently found messages between my DP and a friend which were not nice at all, a bit more extreme in terms of some female colleague sending my DP pics through his friend and my DP asking to see more, saying she was a tease, my DP and his friend discussing her vagina and then my DP asking how he can message her "WITHOUT BEING CAUGHT" (by me) which I was deeply hurt by. When I confronted the friend for trying to facilitate my DP messaging other woman I was told it was "just banter" and he was "sorry I saw anything more than just banter" I think men and women have a very different sense of what is banter and what is not evidently Hmm
If you feel uncomfortable and upset by this, which most women would along with me, then I would confront your DP about this. Explain that it's not acceptable and makes you feel not good enough. If he starts hiding things or being defensive then I'd be worried.
Flowers x

GloriaGaynor · 18/12/2016 10:16

To misquote Hanns Johst: When I hear the word 'banter' I reach for my gun.

PuellaEstCornelia · 18/12/2016 10:21

Against the grain here but I think it sounds like just a bit of stupid sexist banter. Would not be a deal breaker for me, but each to his own.
If he's behaving in the thoughtful and caring way you mentioned before, and you've no reason to think anything else is going on, l would let it be.

GloriaGaynor · 18/12/2016 10:28

Just a bit o' banter

Just a bit o' stupid sexist banter.

Can't you take a bit o' banter?

Bluntness100 · 18/12/2016 10:29

Sherlock, it's not ok from any gender. Equality in the workplace is important and one of the huge under mining factors of this is when people ( and yes it's often men about women but not always) reduce woman to no more than something they'd like to fuck or not, and make their looks the prime importance.

Maybe I'm relating it to my own situation, I'm female who works in a very very male dominated environment and I have got everything from they pay me just to walk around the office and cheer the old boys up,, being very decorative, admitted to the big boys club because of what I look like, the list goes on, and this is just the comments to my face, who knows what's said behind my back, the reality is I'm very good st my job, relatively senior in my organisation and everything else is simply insecure blokes swinging their dicks around.

So yes, it pisses me off. My daughter is studying law, she will also probably work in a male dominated environment and I'd really hate it if she went through similar or her colleagues were texting the shit the ops husband is texting as about his female colleagues.

Reconnecting with a male colleague by talking about wanting to have sex with a female colleague in the office and about what she looks like. That's never ok.

ChipIn · 18/12/2016 10:37

Massively disrespectful to speak about other women like that, in a relationship or not. I've never seen any evidence of my DH of 8 years being like this and it would completely change my opinion of him if I found any.

I'd confront, take the fallout of checking phone, and see what his reaction/ explanation is. IMO checking his phone is wrong, but far less a 'crime' than his disgusting conversations.

RD82 · 18/12/2016 10:45

For those of you that think it's 'harmless blokey banter' or something that doesn't need to be addressed, would you be happy if a male colleague of say, your daughter was talking about her in such a sexualised derogatory manner??

The lack of perspective from some in these kind of situations always astounds me. Things like this are a perfect example of the misogynistic undercurrent in our society that gets swept under the carpet as harmless bloke chat and it absolutely sickens me.

DelphiniumBlue · 18/12/2016 10:45

My DH has commented recently that a mate of his behaves like that, and it makes him and most of the rest of that group quite uncomfortable. The guy had been disciplined at work for inappropriate comments, but still thinks its a jokey blokey thing to do.
I agree with Lucybabs, its more than just passing comment on someone you fancy, it does sound quite derogatory, and must have been quite a shock to hear it from someone usually kind and caring. Shows a different side to him, I'd be very wary. How long have you been together?

user1479989941 · 18/12/2016 11:02

This is a difficult one when you've snooped you're left with this horrible knowledge but difficult to confront him about as he will dismiss it as harmless banter. This happened to me and I found that my guy was actually having a flirty conversation with female work colleagues . He got jokey marriage proposals one leap year and flirty banter went back and forth but I was so angry with his colleagues as well as they knew me as well. My friends thought I should dump him but we're still together 12 years on and now I look back and it was nothing but I felt awful at the time. I too couldn't reconcile his conversations with stuff about what he would normally say.. it was like a different person and that's why I felt so upset and didn't feel I knew him at all. Anyway I didn't confront it but it was a period where I was feeling insecure like you and it's horrible as you will find yourself being more vigilant with his behaviour.I think I've learnt not To get upset about pointless stuff and he was probably showing off to his friend but he was being completely disrespectable especially as you are pregnant.

ToastDemon · 18/12/2016 11:14

I'd be devastated at that. Then I'd be devastated some more that I'd married a creepy sexist arse.

QueenLizIII · 18/12/2016 11:38

You're not going to be able to stop snooping now. That way madness lies.

Boolovessulley · 18/12/2016 11:42

It would bother me that my dh isn't having sex with me or making me feel attractive, yet hes obviously turned on my other women.

I'd be very wary of a man who separated women into categories.
Those he'd like to fuck and those he'd like to marry.
It's never a good sign, do you seriously want to be the little wifey at home.

Naicehamshop · 18/12/2016 11:55

To misquote Hanns Johst: When I hear the word 'banter' I reach for my gun.

So, so agree Gloria. For "banter substitute: pathetic, immature, sexist, aggressive crap.

Dadsussex · 18/12/2016 11:56

As a man.....

I hate to say this but 95% of all men will say something similar to each other about ladies at some point when it's just 'the lads'

I'd actually say professional men are more likely to say such things!

Now, as odd as this sounds, from a male point of view it's often the case of showing you're a man.... saying yes 'I'd do xyz' so other chaps know it's a boys conversation

It's a way of letting off steam I guess

However, on the flip side when it's a work colleague I agree it's a bit close to home

All of the above said, many many many times I hear women say 'wow he's so cute', 'what a handsome guy he is' or similar, and I don't see their OH's threatening to walk out on them for such actions

Window shopping is fine, making a purchase is a different matter!

Naicehamshop · 18/12/2016 12:13

Dad - do you honestly not see the difference between saying "what a handsome man" and "I'd like to do him/her"????

Honestly??

FFS.

Dadsussex · 18/12/2016 12:18

I think you misunderstand me

I'm not saying in an ideal world it's correct, however for many men it's a bravado type thing

It's really immature etc etc, but it's very much boys being boys

I'd not read into it myself

If the OP's OH had said he'd been talking to this other person 1:1 and she was reciprocating yes there would be an issue

But simply saying he fancies her/would do her (however misguided) is different

Personally I'd not do such things re a colleague but that's a personal line

There is the flip side that OP snooped but there is little response to that too..... not trying to cause offence OP

Anyhow all above was trying to give a general male perspective