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Original poster

Sleeping arrangements - Trying to understand my mums POV

60 replies

biscuitty · 18/12/2016 00:09

Hey everyone, first post here :)

I'm 21, living away from home and have been with my boyfriend for a bit over 2 years now. He's come home to meet the family multiple times and has stayed in the spare room with me (I'm officially in my bedroom, but my mum has said she doesn't mind if I sneak in to join him so long as we keep it discreet).

He's been invited to spend Christmas with the family this year, but the problem is the spare room will be taken by other relatives. I thought it would be okay for him to stay in my room (who are we kidding at this point anyway?) but my mum is adamant he must sleep on a camp bed in a different room. She says this is because she doesn't want to give my 14yo sister the wrong impression.

I feel like this situation is a bit unfair on him. At 14 I'm sure my sister is old enough to understand the difference between a long term relationship and a one night stand, and between age 14 and age 21. And I'm pretty sure she's also old enough to figure out that we share a bed when I'm not at home.

However, I don't want to waste hours trying to negotiate with my mum over something I shouldn't. So am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 18/12/2016 00:12

I can see both sides here - on one hand you're in a stable relationship so shouldn't be a problem but it is your mums house so her rules apply.

EngTech · 18/12/2016 00:15

Have to agree with notapizzaeater.

Mums house, Mums rules

hefzi · 18/12/2016 00:15

My siblings and I are in our 30s and 40s: same rules still apply! It made more sense when there was someone still at school in the house -but at the end of the day, their home, their rules, OP, no matter how silly you or I find it.

ElfingHeck · 18/12/2016 00:17

It seems stupid to me. And I would find it annoying if I was the BF here. I remember having to do this when staying with a friend's parents many years ago. I'd been living with my partner for 5 years, but at their house we had to sleep in separate rooms. It wouldn't have been so bad, but he had a double bedroom to himself while I had to share with 5 other girls. I wasn't bothered about shagging, I'd just have liked some sleep!

lightcola · 18/12/2016 00:19

Surely the same rule applies in that he could sneak in to your room as long as you are discreet. I would just do that.

Original poster
biscuitty · 18/12/2016 00:19

This is my problem - she is clearly okay with him sharing my bed (even giving me tips on how to get privacy cringe). But the public arrangement makes us feel like we're sneaking around and even like he's unwanted. I understand that it's her house, her rules, but surely there is a point where you have to say enough is enough?

OP posts:
Cricrichan · 18/12/2016 00:24

It does seem weird but I remember an ex's mum wouldn't let us sleep together except for a few nights when she had family over in the spare room lol.

JigglyTuff · 18/12/2016 00:30

You're adults and you live together (I presume). If you were married would that be acceptable?

Unless she's massively religious, I think she's being ridiculous and I'd tell her you're not staying over.

I'm forever scarred by my ex's mum who would happily stay in our spare room (we lived in London) when she fancied doing a bit of shopping/theatre but insisted we sleep apart when we stayed at her house. Bonkers.

Original poster
biscuitty · 18/12/2016 01:16

Thanks everyone. Guess I'll just stick is out then :S

OP posts:
RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime · 18/12/2016 07:59

Your mum is being unreasonable.

As she clearly doesn't think there is anything wrong with you two sharing a room (she's happy for you to do it discreetly), why is she teaching your sister otherwise?

Rockluvvindad · 18/12/2016 08:03

Get a hotel... You're an adult and can do what you like, but it's your mum's house so sh gets to have a say in what goes on with her knowledge under her roof ). Solve the problem by not sleeping there.

NameChange30 · 18/12/2016 08:08

I think your mum is being ridiculous.

Why on earth would it give a 14 year old "the wrong impression" for two adults in a committed relationship to share a bedroom, FFS?! If your mum wants to wrap her in cotton wool to that extent, she's hardly going to learn much about healthy romantic/sexual relationships, is she?!

I would be tempted to book a nearby B&B and hotel, so you and your boyfriend can be comfortable and not feel that you are being treated like unwelcome guests and naughty teenagers. However, it's probably a bit late notice for that - places might be booked up.

Do you have to stay overnight and if so is there anyone else you can stay with?

NameChange30 · 18/12/2016 08:08

B&B or hotel

autumnboys · 18/12/2016 08:10

DH and I slept separately at his parents until we were married. He has a much younger sister, too. Their house, their rules - it's only a couple of nights. Or as another poster said, book a hotel.

scottishdiem · 18/12/2016 08:16

Yes - either abide by it or go to hotel/B&B.

To be fair I think its very odd. My friend and her BF live together (they are in their 30s) but when they got to his mums she makes them sleep apart and I think even sneaking into each others bed would probably result in a small nuclear blast.

But her house, her rules.

Bitlost · 18/12/2016 08:20

How very twee! Out of interest, did your mother ever tell you about sex, contraception ...?

No suggestions, sorry.

NameChange30 · 18/12/2016 08:26

We don't always spend Christmas with my mum (my parents are separated and we have DH's family to see as well) so when we do, she is always delighted to have us and keen for us to feel as welcome and comfortable as possible. This was the case from the start of our relationship, when we were in our early twenties and not yet married. If she had wanted to enforce a "separate bedrooms" rule I just wouldn't have stayed over. TBH I would have wanted to make the point that if she wasn't going to treat me like an adult, I didn't want to stay overnight with her.

JuddNelsoninTheBreakfastClub · 18/12/2016 08:27

My mum would have been like this too, I would never have dreamed of having a boyfriend to stay. I agree with others, just do what she says in her house or get a hotel, it's only for a short time.

PUGaLUGS · 18/12/2016 08:37

My mum was like this with me 30 years ago.

I couldn't even spend a night in my own house that I paid the mortgage on before I got married to DH (we got the house in April, got married in June).

I would look for somewhere else to stay.

DrMorbius · 18/12/2016 09:00

How old is your DM? she can't be over 50 and yet she is acting like some Victorian.

I have 2 kids, (21 and 24) and they come and stay as a package with their partners. Why on earth would we try and split them up? We don't force them to eat at different times or sit in different rooms watching TV, so why on earth would we want to prevent them from sleeping together.

As pp have put, your parents house, their rules. But I would add a twist. I would ask your parents are they inviting you AND your BF to stay. You are free to accept or decline this invitation. Then you can apply your rules to the acceptance. Those being you accept as long as you sleep in the same room. Just because the invite is from your parents doesn't mean you cannot apply the same rules you would apply elsewhere.

GloriaGaynor · 18/12/2016 09:55

Your mother is being absurd. You're an adult. Call her bluff and say you'll both stay in a B&B. You don't have to abide by your mother's rules if they're bananas. I certainly never did.

AdmiralCissyMary · 18/12/2016 18:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AllPowerfulLizardPerson · 18/12/2016 18:39

Yes, if you are grown up enough to be in an established relationship, you are grown up enough to understand that it's her house and therefore her rules.

You are also grown up enough to pay for a hotel room so you do not have to stay with people whose moral stance is abhorrent to you.

NotTheFordType · 18/12/2016 18:44

It's ridiculously prudish. I'd go for either

A: Don't go home for Xmas, or stay at a hotel
B: Go, sleep separately, but make sexual comments all day long. "Wow BF, I can't wait to go home with you and fuck your brains out!" Set up a sweepstakes with all other other guests on how many it takes before your mum has a stroke.

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 18/12/2016 18:46

Another one who would just find a local hotel.

I find it just bizarre. My 21yo niece camevto stay with her boyfriend and I just made up the sofa bed no question.

I would hope that they'd both been raised properly to understand that they wouldn't be found in any compromising situations by other family members.