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Original poster

Sleeping arrangements - Trying to understand my mums POV

60 replies

biscuitty · 18/12/2016 00:09

Hey everyone, first post here :)

I'm 21, living away from home and have been with my boyfriend for a bit over 2 years now. He's come home to meet the family multiple times and has stayed in the spare room with me (I'm officially in my bedroom, but my mum has said she doesn't mind if I sneak in to join him so long as we keep it discreet).

He's been invited to spend Christmas with the family this year, but the problem is the spare room will be taken by other relatives. I thought it would be okay for him to stay in my room (who are we kidding at this point anyway?) but my mum is adamant he must sleep on a camp bed in a different room. She says this is because she doesn't want to give my 14yo sister the wrong impression.

I feel like this situation is a bit unfair on him. At 14 I'm sure my sister is old enough to understand the difference between a long term relationship and a one night stand, and between age 14 and age 21. And I'm pretty sure she's also old enough to figure out that we share a bed when I'm not at home.

However, I don't want to waste hours trying to negotiate with my mum over something I shouldn't. So am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
UnsuccessfullyAdulting · 18/12/2016 18:58

Why can't she be over 50?!?

happychristmasbum · 18/12/2016 19:30

I would book a hotel.

offside · 18/12/2016 21:22

My mum is exactly the same, and we have a child! We just book a hotel, we get our own space and privacy and there's no awkwardness.

I am with others though, her house her rules.

BraveDancing · 18/12/2016 21:37

Do you need to go home for Christmas? Honestly, I'd be tempted to do my own thing at this point. And yes, your mum is being daft. Your sister knows you live together. But some people are odd. I once had a girlfriend I lived with for three years. Her mother knew, and was always very nice, but when we visited we were in different rooms and I could only be referred to as "a friend". Total nonsense.

HeddaGarbled · 18/12/2016 21:39

I don't think it's worth arguing over. Let her set up the camp bed but don't bother using it. No confrontation, no big fuss, just discreetly do your own thing while allowing her to maintain whatever fiction she is trying to project.

EnoughAlreadyLady · 18/12/2016 21:39

Your options are:

  1. Get married
  2. Get on with it as it's your mum's house so mum's rules apply
HotCheesePiece · 18/12/2016 21:46

Yanbu, it may be "mum's house, mum's rules" but I don't see why you shouldn't at least try to discuss it with her.

It's not even about having sex, but about you both having a decent, comfortable night's sleep and your BF feeling welcome.

A fourteen year old probably doesn't think twice about two people she knows normally live together sharing a room. Your mother punting your BF onto the camo bed is the one drawing attention to it and making the two of you sharing a room "taboo".

UnsuccessfullyAdulting · 18/12/2016 22:36

Still confused why the OPs DM couldn't be "more than 50"

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 18/12/2016 22:39

How old is your DM? she can't be over 50

Err yes she could be

HappyJanuary · 18/12/2016 22:40

I think your mum is being ridiculous but, as everyone has already said, she's entitled to enforce ridiculous rules in her own house.

I would book a hotel or spend Christmas elsewhere, and suspect that the suggestion of either will encourage a change of heart.

crje · 18/12/2016 22:42

My then boyfriends parents did this & I was pregnant!And again when ds was a baby.

The rules only changed when we married

F**king dinosaur Angry

As you can tell I'm over it 21yrs later

crje · 18/12/2016 22:43

I second the hotel suggestion

WhiskyAndTwiglets · 18/12/2016 22:46

My parents were like this and pushed us to get married.
Push, push, push before we were ready.

A few years later and my mum had died.

My dad and his fiancé came to stay with us. They stayed in the guest room together.
I quietly laughed at his hypocrisy about it and how that's what they expected!
And her hypocrisy as they are the same way with her teenagers/young adults now.

Baffles me. Determined not to be the same with my children.

Go get a B&B OP and shag as loud as you want then 😂😏

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 18/12/2016 22:47

After DS was born in moved back in with my parents for 3 months whilst we bought our new house. DH didn't stay overnight. Similarly I had major surgery a few years ago and DH couldn't take time off work (I needed a carer for a while) so stayed with my parents. He would visit me every night then go home. Only twice has he stayed overnight at my parents house, over Christmas and New Year, and DS shared the room with us (us on the sofa bed, DS in a sleeping bag on the floor).

I felt so uncomfortable sharing a bed with him, even though we have been together forever and I'm nearly 40! In contrast my sister has lived at home all her life apart from 3 years at uni and has had her girlfriends living in her room for months on end and my parents don't bat an eyelid. Strange.

Kel1234 · 18/12/2016 22:48

I can see your mums point about your younger sister, but at the same time you are committed, and should therefore have the right to share a bed.
Back when I was only in a relationship, I shared a bed with my boyfriend in my mums house.
I wouldn't make a couple not share a room.

Graphista · 18/12/2016 23:37

I find this attitude utterly bizarre! It's 2016 not 1896!!

I'm guessing the mother unlikely to be much older than me (mid 40's with a 15 yr old) plus the 14 yr old presumably KNOWS you're in a committed relationship.

It's very late notice but I'd be either declining the invite or booking a cheap room elsewhere (if possible as pp said many places will be booked up by now). I strongly suspect were you to decline altogether she'd 'reconsider'.

Who are the other visitors? Is that what's influencing her (are they older/religious?) ?

I posted on a thread where a similar scenario was being discussed but it was the mother who'd posted, no religious objections or even a real argument just didn't like the idea of her son in the same bedroom/bed in her home despite the fact they were living together and had been together a while. Then complained that her relationship with her son had suffered! No bloody wonder!

Once your adult children are adults assuming it's a safe happy relationship to quite a degree it's not the parents business!

Graphista · 18/12/2016 23:38

*same bedroom/bed as his girlfriend

DeepAndCrispAndEvenTheWind · 18/12/2016 23:42

Isn't it a worse message to the 14 year old if she spots the sneaking about, which I imagine she will?!

corythatwas · 18/12/2016 23:48

How does this "her house, her rules" thing actually work? Can I arbitrarily decide that my parents are not allowed to sleep in the same room because "my house, my rules"?

Original poster
biscuitty · 19/12/2016 01:07

Whoa was not expecting so many replies! Thanks everyone :) Sadly the hotel situation is out because the only ones left cost a fortune - so instead we're just coming for Christmas day and not bothering to stay over. And NotTheFordType I love your idea, though even I draw a line at saying that in front of a 14 year old! Shock Maybe in a couple of years time...

OP posts:
TheStoic · 19/12/2016 03:44

My mum would insist on separate rooms, and I'm nearly 40 with no younger siblings. Her house, her rules. I could try to make an issue of it, but she would feel very uncomfortable and I love her, so...I wouldn't do that to her.

To save us all the awkwardness, my partner and I stay with other nearby relatives.

claraschu · 19/12/2016 04:14

I agree with cory- I find the whole "her house, her rules" thing absurd. Surely it applies to things which affect our house or the other people in our house, i.e.: "No chasing the cat", "No smoking inside". It doesn't mean you can make rules about what adults in your house do in private.

I think your parents are sending a terrible message to your 14-year-old sister. The message is either: "No sex before marriage" or "Have sex but lie and feel guilty about it", or possibly: "My prudery and prejudice is more important to me than spending time and having a good relationship with my adult daughter". This is worth fighting with your parents about, as these are all terrible messages.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 19/12/2016 04:35

I disagree with the 'my house my rules' sentiment
Part of welcoming guests is allowing them to feel comfortable in your home
If they genuinely worried something would damage your sister - but really? At 14 I doubt this will be a surprise to her
I would find this infantalising
I think the best thing is to not stay overnight, as you are doing OP

TheStoic · 19/12/2016 05:49

It doesn't mean you can make rules about what adults in your house do in private.

Of course you can. And they can choose to stay elsewhere.

purplefizz26 · 19/12/2016 06:17

Your mum is being utterly ridiculous. Religion or not, it's bizarre.

Her house her rules is pathetic at your age, you are not 15. You are an adult. You could be married with a baby if you wanted.

I would tell her he will be staying in your room or you will have no choice but to book a travel lodge to make his stay more pleasant.

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