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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

i've just kicked dp out and could do with someone to talk to :(

114 replies

PinkTulips · 18/02/2007 20:15

Sad
OP posts:
SherlockLGJ · 18/02/2007 21:11

GM

As an Irish person, I can buy into the mindset of MR PT, the mighthy male. It may seem alien to you, and in fairness it only happens it small pockets these days, but it happens. But he still needs his lazy arse drop kicked.

Carmenere · 18/02/2007 21:12

Sorry you are having a crap time PTWould any of his family be able to put him straight about working/providing for his family? Why do they think that he stays in bed all day and doesn't try to get a job?

Bekks · 18/02/2007 21:14

Don't give yourself a hard time for texting him. Sounds like there's a lot of stuff that needs sorting out and it doesn't hinge on what happens tonight. The main thing is to work out what you want, which might take a while. Kids are resillient and the best thing for them IMO is to have a happy mum. My ex was depressed and abusive on and off. Dd cries and asks for him sometimes (she sees him regularly), but the life we have together now is much better than the one we had when he was hateful and useless and I was upset and stressed all the time. Can you get some counselling on your own to help you work out what to do?

gothicmama · 18/02/2007 21:17

sherlock my xh was of a similar mindset you do fal into the trap of putting them frist,

Carmenere · 18/02/2007 21:17

I hope you don't mind me asking a personal question but does he smoke dope? Only this would fit with the perpetual student-ish life style/depression bed-a-thons?

Original poster
PinkTulips · 18/02/2007 21:20

carmenere, his brother and sister still live at home at 22 and 28 and only work if it suits them. their parents have been on the dole since before he was born so not exactly going to tell him to get a job.

his mam willl be ecstatic if he goes home, he's been the black sheep since he dared to leave home at 17 and she's been hassling him to move back for years

OP posts:
Carmenere · 18/02/2007 21:22

Ah Pt you are up against some odds Think carefully whether it is worth fighting such odds.

Original poster
PinkTulips · 18/02/2007 21:23

lol carmenere.... yep. but that doesn't affect him

if i dared to bring that into a fight though it'd all be over.

he's in withdrawel as the smoke he got at xmas ran out and there's no way in hell we have money for any more so he's gone off the fags too in protest (don't ask me, it doesn't make sense to me either)

OP posts:
SherlockLGJ · 18/02/2007 21:24

PT

I am going now, you know what is right and what is wrong, you have to ask yourself if you are prepared to perpetuate this for another generation.

Beetrootccio · 18/02/2007 21:24

don't be another woman who puts up with crap for the sake of having a man around. be different, be strong, be good for your kids and show them - they need a good example.

It would be so nice to see a strong woman for a change.

Good luck -

have you heard back form him? is he on his way round? You can always change your mind and begin the rest of your life - RIGHT NOW

Original poster
PinkTulips · 18/02/2007 21:25

i know sherlock..... if this thread were someone else i'd be ranting and raving about how she was better off without him. don't know why i seem to be incapable of following my own advice [sad

thanks for the support though, it's much appreciated

OP posts:
Carmenere · 18/02/2007 21:25

Ok straight talking here PT. You absolutely can not ignore that. It does contribute to depression and lethargy as well as an unhealthy dose of paranoia. He has to cut it right out if he is to become a well adjusted male adult.

Original poster
PinkTulips · 18/02/2007 21:29

i won in the pils fight, the speed fight, even the drink fight. i won't win in the smoke fight, no way.

he has an addictive personality, he freely admits that, and in his eyes the smoke is the only vice/pleasure he has left.

o god..... this just sounds more nad more pathetic doesn't it?

tbf, i give as good as i get in most fights, but thats half the problem. why should my kids constantly see fighting parents, and always the same parent backing down. it's fucking ridiculous! sorry, needed to swear

OP posts:
Carmenere · 18/02/2007 21:32

Pt win the life fight and leave him to it. He sounds pathetic and I am sorry to say that but truly you deserve a partner not a spoilt child.

Beetrootccio · 18/02/2007 21:33

so start again , think beyond him and he tedium and be a good mum to your kids

Original poster
PinkTulips · 18/02/2007 21:33

he's back

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkTulips · 18/02/2007 21:35

o god, just shoot me now. i can't even hold out 1/2 an hour

OP posts:
PeachyClair · 18/02/2007 21:37

If you want him back, that's your choice

If you want him to go, that's your choice too
but

this he's back but i don't want him really smacks of desparation

ARE you that desparate?

if you met him in a bar tomorrow and had a psychic experience of what life would be like with him, would you bother?

Carmenere · 18/02/2007 21:39

Have a really serious think about where you are and where you want to be in your life. Do you think he will ever change? Is he going to be happy on the dole for his lifetime like his parents? Are you happy to allow him to use a depression causing recreational drug and allow him to ignore the negative affects it has on his dc's? Do you think it is a good enough environment for them to grow up in? Do you want them to have the same role models for their adult lives as he has?
Plenty of food for thought for you this evening.

Original poster
PinkTulips · 18/02/2007 21:41

nope, but i'm far more scared of being on my own in a town where i know no-one with 2 kids and no car

if i had my time again with psychic powers........ i'd never have left cork with him at least there i had friends

'he's an asshole, but he does love us and 80% of the time will try in his stupid bumbling way to be good to us and help but it's the other 20% of the time that kills me

OP posts:
Bekks · 18/02/2007 21:41

I'll say it again, don't be hard on yourself. If you ultimately want him to go, think about it and make some plans, get support from wherever you can and do it from a position of greater strength. It's much more likely to be successful than something that happens in the heat of the moment, and it might take a while to achieve. However, I agree, it's rubbish for kids to see parents fighting - you have a choice but they don't.

Good luck.

Original poster
PinkTulips · 18/02/2007 21:41

i'm gonna sleep on it and see in the morning if i think it's worth saving. i'm too emotional right now

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkTulips · 18/02/2007 21:43

fabulous, he's haviong a fag. so he'll be more relaxed but blame me for starting again.

unless there's one hell of a changed man in the morning i think i'm done

OP posts:
PeachyClair · 18/02/2007 21:43

Bekks has a point. If you've decided to let him back but are unsure, you can use this time to make yourself secure, instead of 'wasting' it

I put up with some severe shite from my Dh when he was depressed and I satyed (there's probably loads of threads of varying age along the Dh has gone and I don't know where style, all started by me) HOWEVER had he started using depression causing drugs- nope, no chance. There HAS to be a limit. Depreseeion is a sad illness, but when its partly self induced its different

Original poster
PinkTulips · 18/02/2007 21:46

i know.... that's what pisses me off. depression i have sympathy for but he's doing this to himself and expecting to be given special treatment.

i've suffered from depression for years but it's never stopped me getting up for my kids in the morning. not once.

OP posts: