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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

New partner and bondage

99 replies

sorryoldwoman · 15/12/2016 18:12

Have a new relationship with great chemistry. Partner is much more experienced and is into bondage. I totally trust him already I don't have any doubts he would only do what I wanted but I really don't think it would do a thing for me. I'd do it to try and please him but we are both over 60 and I'm not in great physical shape I get aches and pains easily! He emailed me links to learn about the safe rules. Also sent me a pic of a leather wrist band with a lock on it or was it to go around my neck??? I'm beginning to think I should let him find someone younger and into such so I don't disappoint him. He could drop dead and I'm under lock and key!

OP posts:

CocoaX · 16/12/2016 22:58

Your NN conveys sadness not humour, and you do sound kind and trusting. The fear you feel is there for a reason - heed it. If this was a relationship where you felt safe and respected, you would not be fearful.

It seems to me that this man is scoping out whether you will take a sub role in bondage. It is odd to send you stuff like that unsolicited. It is manipulative to turn around your objections to make you seem unreasonable. I would run.

MakeItRain · 17/12/2016 00:58

Sorry but that absolutely is not a "bracelet with a lock on it" I would run a mile at the way he's backtracking so madly. I can't believe he would even try to pass that off as a bracelet. I would say "sorry but I could never be with a man who has such awful taste in jewellery" then head for the hills

NovemberInDailyFailLand · 17/12/2016 01:16

No, it is not a bracelet. Even I know that, and I'm seriously prudish ;)

CocoaX · 17/12/2016 06:28

These days I don't even think 60 is seen as old either. Apart from by small children, where anyone over 20 is old.

00100001 · 17/12/2016 06:49

Is leave him.

His desires for that won't go away he will either

a) he'll find someone else to meet the desires if you stay together
b) continually ask you to "try" until you give in.

So unless you're happy with an open relationship or are happy with the idea of experimenting then it is best to edit end it.

Spottytop1 · 17/12/2016 07:35

I would think very carefully about any decisions you make & not make them based on people's opinions here... particular the many that clearly have no knowledge or understanding of bondage.

I am not surprised he seemed upset when you insinuated that he wanted to hurt you ( thanks to some uninformed comments on here). I am sure he is mortified that you think he would! What he has opened up to you about is restraint and nothing about pain- he is not describing a man who is getting off on hurting you!

I think you need to have a open conversation with him face to face and not be swayed by opinions on here - some are making him out to be a vile person just because he likes bondage.

The way he brought it up was odd but there could be several reasons why he chose to do it this was rather than face to face... one if which could be he genuinely misjudged and thought you'd be interested like he said!

It's not wrong to like bondage, it doesn't make anyone a horrible or bad person BUT it is about trust and communication with 2 willing participates and in no way removes the subs control even if restrained. Have a conversation and make your own mind up based on facts from him.

SandyY2K · 17/12/2016 08:16

Alphagirl that was a great post.

There's a lot of comments from people who have no understanding of Doms /Sub and bondage.

TurnipCake · 17/12/2016 10:05

Bracelet with a lock, oh aye

Look, even if you were a sub looking for a dom, I'd be telling you to steer well clear of this guy. He's backtracking and trying to manipulate you, and the 'oh but my ex girlfriends loved this' eugh what a turn off.

I wouldn't trust this guy with a cactus, let alone bound

Original poster

sorryoldwoman · 20/01/2017 04:45

Sorry I've been out of town. It's all worked out now. I've gotten to know him much better. He was just seeing if I was interested in trying different things. He was upset I thought he would hurt me. He explained there were different types of dominate and submissive activities. Thanks for the advice. Maybe it will help others. It sure made me take a step back and go slower.

OP posts:

Geraldthegiraffe · 20/01/2017 04:58

So you're in a Dom /sub relationship now....?

Original poster

sorryoldwoman · 20/01/2017 05:13

No we've agreed I'm not interested and he's fine with it.

OP posts:

DowhatIwanttodo · 20/01/2017 06:53

I'm not as convinced as you seem to be sorry. You've only known him a month longer than when you last posted.

Phoebefromfriends · 20/01/2017 09:27

The fact he's sending you literature ahead of meeting up would be enough to put me off, nothing would turn me off quicker than having to read stuff on a website before having sex.... It should feel natural and spontaneous not a lecture about his needs, what about yours? If you can't discuss it face to face there is a massive problem, I would run a mile from this guy.

Geraldthegiraffe · 20/01/2017 09:34

I'm not convinced. What website did you meet through?

In my mind, either he's a Dom and knows what he wants in which case a normal relationship isn't going to satisfy him long term,

Or he's interested in it but not aware if how inappropriate he is being. I'd not feel safe to be honest.

I think for the Dom/sub thing to come up this early it's properly important to him, in your case I'd steer well clear.

Butterfly2020 · 20/01/2017 09:41

The fact he "explained there are different types of dom/sub relationships" tells me he will bring it back up again at some point.

Just a gut instinct...

Geraldthegiraffe · 20/01/2017 10:24

I think you're right butterfly...

user1479305498 · 20/01/2017 10:34

I really dont care if others think its ok and will try anything if they love someone, for me bondage is a deal breaker not interested, so if anyone else is up for it , then fine, if you are not then end it now, it wont go away. At 60 plus I think the guys options might be a bit limited on that front unless he pays or strikes lucky with someone who is ok with it.

Geraldthegiraffe · 20/01/2017 13:03

There are places to look for bdsm relationships...

If I ever had to look for a relationship again I know I'd need kink I'm the bedroom. I can't imagine shutting that bit off.

Similarly I agree if bondage doesn't so it for you you absolutely shouldn't go into a relationship with someone for whom it's their thing...

Adora10 · 20/01/2017 14:19

OP, no offence but you are being very naïve; I am sure you told him you have and were not into bondage, didn't stop him sending you literature and trying to coerce you into doing stuff you have zero interest in, please don't trust someone you hardly know, it takes years to trust a person, especially around this kind of stuff.

You do realise he will probably be on sites and involved with similar like minded people, you ok with that, and actually are you ok with him having this fetish, cos that's what it is, personally I'd have binned him off the minute he asked.

WifeyFish · 20/01/2017 14:51

Jesus ladies put down Fifty Shades of Grey already! Which, FWIW is a terrible portrayal of the whole BDSM scene.

As alfagirl73 rightly said, bondage and BDSM done correctly is absolutely not abuse in disguise and there's absolutely no reason bondage should be about pain unless you want it to be

Just because this guy is into bondage does not mean he wants to abuse you or get off on causing you any pain. And I disagree with those saying that his discussing his kinks with you is automatically a red flag.

In my experience BDSM relationships are some of the most open in terms of discussing likes, dislikes and boundaries. I've always known I'm relatively submissive in the bedroom. I like being controlled and dominated but couldn't go into a full time D/s relationship as in everyday life I'm very career driven and outspoken. The great thing about BDSM relationships though is with open communication you and your partner can define your own rules and boundaries.

Adora10 · 20/01/2017 14:56

Wifey: the OP has zero interest in bondage, that should have been the end of it.

Zaphodsotherhead · 20/01/2017 15:06

It's not just 50SOG either - there's a whole genre of 'romance' literature where the man sees the woman and just 'knows' she's a sub, and therefore thrusts his preferences upon her. And it's seen as ROMANTIC?!?!

It's a form of erotica really. Each to their own, but anyone who reads these books and believes that anyone can just 'know' what their partner will or won't like based on...I dunno, the way they smile or summat...needs a very long, stern lesson in proper communication.

WifeyFish · 20/01/2017 17:22

Adora10 - but it seems like that was the end of it as far as I can see. It was PP that suggested that this guy's response to her saying no were further red flags, unless I've missed something?

My issue was more with the posts suggesting all those interested in bondage/BDSM were abusers which led to the OP fearing her DP was out to hurt her.

Adora10 · 20/01/2017 17:24

Perhaps but he isn't going to suddenly not have this fetish so I am sure it will be brought up again, what is the point in continuing with him if you are completely not interested in any of it, he sounds pretty much into it if he's sending her literature etc...

I think folk on here were concerned that he was sending her stuff on the subject when he clearly knows she hasn't and isn't interested.

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