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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

New partner and bondage

99 replies

sorryoldwoman · 15/12/2016 18:12

Have a new relationship with great chemistry. Partner is much more experienced and is into bondage. I totally trust him already I don't have any doubts he would only do what I wanted but I really don't think it would do a thing for me. I'd do it to try and please him but we are both over 60 and I'm not in great physical shape I get aches and pains easily! He emailed me links to learn about the safe rules. Also sent me a pic of a leather wrist band with a lock on it or was it to go around my neck??? I'm beginning to think I should let him find someone younger and into such so I don't disappoint him. He could drop dead and I'm under lock and key!

OP posts:

MinesAGin · 15/12/2016 20:03

Basically, OP, he will have an orgasm at the thought of hurting you. I know others will be on saying it's not like that, but that's actually what it is like. Hurting you turns him on.

bloodymaria · 15/12/2016 20:04

Lynn, these are sex people!

Emmageddon · 15/12/2016 20:06

Tell him to jog on and find himself a willing partner.

You're obviously not into his idea of sexual gratification, so find yourself a more conventional lover.

Bluntness100 · 15/12/2016 20:09

If you can't talk to him and discuss openly you certainly shouldn't be engaging in this stuff. Something is wrong in the relationship, if you've a good relationship you'd be texting back saying let's discuss that what's it for etc and having a laugh, the fact you haven't done that shows this isn't a strong relationship,

If you want a relationship put the kinky stuff on hold till you're comfortable enough to talk to him openly about it. If that's not ok, then end it.

Summerlovinf · 15/12/2016 20:21

yeah...don't do anything you're not going to enjoy. This guy sounds like a bit of a chancer TBH if he's sending bondage manuals and pics of wrist cuffs to his new gf

Original poster

sorryoldwoman · 15/12/2016 20:33

He's easy to talk to but it does concern me so early in the relationship he's bringing this up. All in all he's very affectionate and full of compliments. Even at my age I worry about being naive. Maybe to good to be true.

OP posts:

DoubleCarrick · 15/12/2016 20:37

He's bringing it up early because it's important for him. It's important in my relationship with dh and was discussed early on.

I'm baffled that bondage is linked with pain. When we do rope stuff it's gentle, and intimate and he takes a lot of care. It's not always violent

Original poster

sorryoldwoman · 15/12/2016 20:53

Thank you for your imput DoubleCarrick looks like I need to choose between a face to face talk or saying no way if you need this kind of sex I'm out of here.

OP posts:

Allalonenow · 15/12/2016 20:57

He's bringing it up early in the relationship because that's what he's looking for. If you're not up for it, he needn't waste any more time and can move on quickly to find someone who is keen.

DoubleCarrick · 15/12/2016 21:13

I think you would already know if it's your thing, op. It might be worth a chat about it because I do have friends who can take it or leave it. It might not be a deal breaker. Be open and honest with him. Chances are he will be equally open because your consent so very important in his case - hence him initiating to find out your views

Original poster

sorryoldwoman · 15/12/2016 21:29

He sent me info about being a summissive what it means and what a dominance partner was. He said before that I would always be in control and being able to say no would make me a good submissive? Just thought I'd relay more info.

OP posts:

PinkiePiesCupcakes · 15/12/2016 21:34

Have you ever wanted to try bondage or be a sub?
At 60 you've lived enough to know what younmlike and don't like surely? Has the thought if it ever 'Done' anything for ypou?
Or is it oinly a consideration because he's pestering you about it?.

AnyFucker · 15/12/2016 21:50

I would have thought that if the idea of being a sub floated your boat it would have occurred to you by the age of 60

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 15/12/2016 21:57

Think people are mixing up bondage with S&M.
Isn't just the woman who can be tied up either. There is a few types of bondage though, there's the softer side like silk restraints/blind folds, leading all the way up to gags, whips etc. What's that phrase " pain is pleasure "

hoddtastic · 15/12/2016 22:00

i feel a bit sad reading your posts and your user name, don't let some bully twat destroy what self esteem you have. Tell him to piss in a pint pot and pour it over his own head if he's into that.

HermioneWeasley · 15/12/2016 22:01

Did you ask him for any of this info he's so freely sending?

You don't have to try stuff you're not into to be nice.

He's making his position clear. You are perfectly entitled to set your boundaries that you're not interested,

Rockchick1984 · 15/12/2016 22:05

I never realised I was a sub until me and DH began to experiment. In "real life" I'm a natural leader, quite bossy etc, however the release I get from submitting to him is incredible! I'm not into proper pain however we have experimented with things like spanking and I enjoy it.

I also trust him 10000000% and I know that if I ever wanted him to stop then he would, same as he would if I wasn't tied to the bed and blindfolded.

If you can trust him completely then try it. We eased into it first by tying scarves around my wrists but not attaching them to anything so I was free but felt restrained, something like that may be a good start?

Original poster

sorryoldwoman · 15/12/2016 22:06

No he's not asked me if I'm interested he brought this up. TBH I'm still conflicted by what to think about it all. He's been married but gave me " we were like brother and sister" line.

OP posts:

PinkiePiesCupcakes · 15/12/2016 22:07

AnyFucker

That's exactly what I was thinking tbh.

People are never to old tontry new thins, but the thought to try those new things should have at kleast crossed someone's mind.

If this is a new relationship and he's already brought it up and is semdoing loink and pictures etc,... It just seems wrong and too quick, unless he already knows th other person isnt in terested, op isn't.

Massive red flags everywhere mind they're waving like they're being carried by twenty energizer bunnies that have been powered by a nuclear cell.

HermioneWeasley · 15/12/2016 22:09

The fact he's not even asked if you're interested worries me. I'd run for the hills

PinkiePiesCupcakes · 15/12/2016 22:10

Excuse typos. Damn touch screens and fat fingers don't mix.

Summerlovinf · 15/12/2016 22:19

I find it strange that a man in his 60s is fishing in the dark for a partner who he can interest in niche sexual preferences. Hasn't he discovered fetish scene/club/sites or even tried making his preferences clear on mainstream dating sites? Personally I find this suspicious - and I suspect he's either naive or out to manipulate.

AnyFucker · 15/12/2016 22:23

Any woman with intact self esteem, whose mind had never previously strayed to bondage in approx 4 decades of sexual activity, would run a mile in this situation

And would never award herself the moniker of "sorryoldwoman"

Original poster

sorryoldwoman · 15/12/2016 22:44

Well said AnyFucker you have all opened my eyes. Thanks.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 15/12/2016 22:46

Now, this is what I suggest you say

"I don't like the way you have pressurised me. This relationship is over. Do not contact me again"

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