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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

New partner and bondage

99 replies

sorryoldwoman · 15/12/2016 18:12

Have a new relationship with great chemistry. Partner is much more experienced and is into bondage. I totally trust him already I don't have any doubts he would only do what I wanted but I really don't think it would do a thing for me. I'd do it to try and please him but we are both over 60 and I'm not in great physical shape I get aches and pains easily! He emailed me links to learn about the safe rules. Also sent me a pic of a leather wrist band with a lock on it or was it to go around my neck??? I'm beginning to think I should let him find someone younger and into such so I don't disappoint him. He could drop dead and I'm under lock and key!

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 16/12/2016 12:36

If he was a respectful partner who was approaching this in a reasonable way, he would ask you how you feel about bondage. As a woman over 60, it is unlikely you have no views about the sort of sexual activity that does it for you. It's weird that he just wants to press on regardless.

maras2 · 16/12/2016 12:47

5 years on Mumsnet and still learning.What the Holy fuck kind of sex game does one play with POO [FSHOCK]
And I used to read Forum back in the 60's.

maras2 · 16/12/2016 12:49

Xmas Shock. So confused I left the caps lock on. Xmas Smile

maras2 · 16/12/2016 12:49

Xmas Shock. So confused I left the caps lock on. Xmas Smile

maras2 · 16/12/2016 12:52

OMFG.Sorry OP.I'm not trying to derail your thread.Best of luck with whatever you decide to do.Flowers

MrsHathaway · 16/12/2016 14:18

Um.

While reading the most recent posts I got the attached advert to the right.

Which then obviously looked like a big pink bum doing a rather lumpy poo.

Yum?

GoldenSolait · 16/12/2016 14:24
  1. Looks like a collar (size wise can't tell)
  2. Bondage and sadomasochism are not the same. Bondage does not need to hurt.
  3. As AF has said, at 60 and it's never appealed to you, it's never gonna.
alfagirl73 · 16/12/2016 21:10

Wow - a lot of people on here giving advice who clearly have absolutely no clue what bondage and/or BDSM is and think they are experts probably just from watching 50 shades... (which has absolutely NOTHING to do with bdsm!).

Firstly - if you're not into it, then you're not into it. I would expect that if you've reached 60 and have never had so much as a single thought about it, it probably isn't for you. I don't blame someone for sharing their fetish with you - but it's ultimately up to you if it's something you want to explore - or don't want to participate in at all. You have that right - and if it's not for you, just tell him. Whether that means the relationship can continue or not is a matter for you both, but you do not HAVE to do this if it's not for you.

For the record - bondage does NOT mean pain. Someone saying they are into bondage does NOT mean they want to hurt you! Bondage covers a LOT - it can be very light, loose, sensual and playful... it can be very comfortable, and very erotic. There are lots of areas of BDSM that do not involve discomfort or extreme bondage, or even real pain. It can be very sensual and it should ultimately be about pleasure first and foremost - yours and his. But it MUST be consensual and safe.

If he is a dominant, then that's what turns him on, but if he is a true, genuine dominant he will not want you to participate in it if it doesn't do anything for you. A true dominant will generally prefer someone who has at least some idea that they have submissive tendencies, even if they haven't experienced it yet. A true dominant is not a bully, or abusive or any of those things. True, genuine, experienced dominants are often very respectful (more so than most vanilla men), extremely caring and will make your safety, comfort and pleasure their priority. Anyone who tries to force you into doing this is not a true dominant and is, indeed, just an abusive muppet. There are sadly some idiots out there who think they are dominants and just use it as an excuse to be rough... but do not confuse bdsm with abuse - they are two very different things. One is consensual pleasure - sometimes mixed with controlled sensual pain (depending on the level the couple wishes to go to), and covers a very wide range of fetishes.... the other is what it says - abuse.

I would have thought that an open but respectful conversation about it would've been a more appropriate starting point rather than sending you rules and pictures of bondage gear! Bit of a red flag in my opinion.

BoxingHelena · 16/12/2016 21:27

is DP someone you have met recently and on line ?
Sounds like he is after fulfilling his neglected fetish fantasies after years of vanilla marriage (if he is to be believed) than a relationship with you, sorry

sorryoldwoman · 16/12/2016 21:40

I discussed it further with him after telling him i was not interested in anything to do with locks. He said it was a bracelet that closed with a lock. He insisted he never asked me to do bondage and he would never ask me to do anything I didn't like. He said he sent me the info about being a summissive because he thought our previous encounters I seemed that way. Also stated he had been with women that enjoyed having their legs in stirrups or a arm or leg restrained. I told him it didn't interest me and he said fine he'd never ask me to do anything I didn't want to and would never want to hurt me. He seemed overly sensitive and took a big offense to me thinking he might hurt me. Almost to the point of wanting to break up. He keeps saying he thinks I'm gonna throw him away! Hmm

OP posts:
CookieLady · 16/12/2016 21:48

Ditch him. He's attempting to manipulate you being playing the injured and insulted party. Xmas Angry

CookieLady · 16/12/2016 21:50

Posted too soon. If he can't respect your decision now why on earth would he listen to you when he has you tied up? Xmas Angry

sorryoldwoman · 16/12/2016 21:51

i don't get the insecure talk . This is a worldly man and nobody's fool. You'd think I was quite the prize by the compliments. Don't most men who have been with several women in their life think theres one around every corner? Just wondering I sure don't want to be the fool.

OP posts:
sorryoldwoman · 16/12/2016 21:54

ThankscookieLady ] I have limited experience with men. Got married the first time at 19.

OP posts:
PeteSwotatoes · 16/12/2016 21:56

He will keep bringing it up and trying to guilt you into trying it. It is obviously a huge deal to him as he's already raised it.

BDSM can be great between consenting adults, but there are some bad, abusive men out there calling themselves Doms. This man does not sound like the type of person you want to experiment with.

NovemberInDailyFailLand · 16/12/2016 21:57

Why is he telling you what his previous partners enjoyed? Urgh.

sorryoldwoman · 16/12/2016 21:58

He said he thought my wanting to send him on his way to find the sexual partner he needed was about something else and it was my way of finding a reason to break up.

OP posts:
VanillaSugarAndChristmasSpice · 16/12/2016 21:58

Take this very slowly and be very very careful.

sorryoldwoman · 16/12/2016 22:00

Your right and I will also have that fear in the back of my mind.

OP posts:
GoldenSolait · 16/12/2016 22:00

Thank you alfagirl but tbh I'm beginning to think there's no point explaining about bdsm anymore, why I didn't. It's usually seen as some sort of abusive relationship by warped people who have past issues and I'm sick of it, as this thread shows.

Bondage does not equal pain
Dom/sub does not equal pain (or bondage)

Yes there are some into the s/m side of things but it's consentual and kind of hilarious people think that if anyone's into bondage they are into receiving or giving pain.

As an aside op I would stay well away from someone who would proposion me in this way knowing I have no experience of it and I do believe it's latent in you.

TheSpottedZebra · 16/12/2016 22:07

OP he's trying to manipulate you. Tell him you're no longer interested. Or just blank him a nd block him - called ghosting.

Really, he sounds horrid. You deserve better.

Summerlovinf · 16/12/2016 22:21

I would be very concerned if you were a friend of mine,OP...I've nothing against bondage or S&M between consenting adults...this though strikes me as high risk of manipulation and harm to yourself. Please listen to posters advising you to ditch.

Kr1stina · 16/12/2016 22:33

There are some things that confuse me in your OP

  1. Why you chose that user name
  2. You are in a new relationship yet you " totally trust him already "
  3. You are in your 60s, therefore old enough to know how unwise 2 is
Kr1stina · 16/12/2016 22:34

I'm also very confused to hear that AF is a sex person

sorryoldwoman · 16/12/2016 22:48

Oh I chose the name a while back. I was just trying to be funny not put myself down. I am a trusting person. I judge people by what they show me and my gut instinct. I also know there are odd people in the world. I've seem his Facebook page his friends and ex wife. They are still friends.He seems a kind caring man. Even though I feel safe with him the fear is still in the back of my mind. Im torn as to what to think.

OP posts: