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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Did I do something wrong?

102 replies

MrsMcBoatface · 15/12/2016 14:04

Just had H on the phone, fuming because I bought a new Christmas tree stand when we had, he claims, a perfectly good one... I think it's ridiculous. I bought the tree, got it into the house and set up by myself and I thought it was a nice surprise. The tree stand I bought was easy to use whereas the old one was difficult. New stand didn't cost much (compared to the price of the tree) and we're not struggling for money. I've had a nasty phone call and two texts telling me that 1) I never listen to him 2) he's going to take the tree out of the new stand and put it in the old one. Evidently he'd got it out for me to use (left it on the front seat of his car, I didn't know).

I know this is a bit of a self indulgent rant, but I'm at work right now and feel like crying Sad I think he's determined to spoil Christmas and I just don't want to deal with it.

OP posts:
Ineedmorelemonpledge · 16/12/2016 09:19

And don't forget his Christmas card...

Did I do something wrong?
Original poster
MrsMcBoatface · 16/12/2016 09:23

Longdiling... I'd been kidding myself that things were getting better. But this just sent me straight back Sad That's why I was wondering if I really had screwed up?! Btw I know I didn't! Not that badly!

Starsandcars...yes, that logic is what H uses to excuse his behaviour. At this point I'm inclined to agree with him and give him his freedom! Funny thing is he claims he loves me and doesn't want divorce.

OP posts:
Starsandcars9 · 16/12/2016 09:26

Not discuss - just say I bought a new one because it works much better - ill take the old one to the skip...

Hehe everything everywhere - this is def the way forward for the op!

Starsandcars9 · 16/12/2016 09:29

Op you know your relationship better than us and if you think it's abusive it probably is!

longdiling · 16/12/2016 09:34

I don't think an abusive relationship can be turned around really can it? The only thing in your power to really change is you, although I expect you have been made to feel pretty powerless. Try and imagine what next Christmas could be like if you weren't with him...

0dfod · 16/12/2016 09:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chickpearocker · 16/12/2016 09:44

You can buy what you wan when you want. This is england not Saudi Arabia, you do not need his permission to do anything. If it was a big purchase you could choose to discuss it but only if you wanted to out of courtesy. Just remember he can't make you do anything, you are your own woman. He may try to punish you in various ways but keep fighting back, let him know you will not back down. It's these kinds of men that usually wouldn't blink at throwing a couple of hundred pounds at a prostitute but yet torture their wives absolute fuckers.

AgathaF · 16/12/2016 09:46

So this is typical behaviour? And you're considering splitting up and have discussed it, since he says he doesn't want a divorce.

What do you want? Are your relationship problems sortable with counselling? Are there good things about it that can be built on?

Cricrichan · 16/12/2016 10:41

What a shocking overreaction to buying a stand!! Slight annoyance I'd understand, but the rant and that he can be bothered to take a decorated tree down and change stand just to make a point beggars belief. You know what, if it wasn't the stand, it'd be something else - this is no way to live op. How is he with the kids? Are they walking on eggshells too?

Hillfarmer · 16/12/2016 11:13

what Anyfucker said.

This is about much more than a tree stand. He is an abusive bully and moving house will not change that. He sounds exactly like my XH. Let me guess, Christmas - and whether you have a nice one or not - is entirely down to whether he decides to throw shit around/pick fights with you or not? That is also the recipe for 2017, 2018 etc etc.

Don't go to counselling - it won't give you anything. He won't acknowledge what he's doing. It's all about control, and punishing you (and the threat of 'punishment' ) is how he gets it. He will not 'come round' from this. This is who he is. Take yourself - or preferably take him - out of the equation.

He sound awful. You don't deserve the disgusting way he treats you. You are not doing anything wrong or 'making' him behave like this. He is a nasty contolling bully and there is nothing you can do to change him.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 16/12/2016 11:20

He should be glad you are doing the donkey work. If the old stand was a finger trapping fiddle it makes sense to replace it.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 16/12/2016 11:29

Sorry pressed Post instead of Preview.
He said he wasn't feeling well but that doesn't excuse biting your head off. The house move could be a big stress factor.

The counselling is a good idea. I hope he agrees to talking with a third party.
Not the atmosphere you want for first Christmas in your new home (or the rest of the time).

BarbarianMum · 16/12/2016 11:43

Whether he loves you or wants a divorce is not really the point here. Far more pertinent to consider whether you:
a) love him
b) want to live like this
c)can be bothered to try and make a go of this, OR
d) want a divorce (he doesn't have to agree)

Kr1stina · 16/12/2016 12:04

Don't go for counselling with him.

The counsellor won't tell him he's wrong . Even if she does, he won't believe her.

Besides you should not go for couselling with an abusive partner.

Go on your own . Use it to help you work out why you are staying with him and decide what you want to do.

Lambzig · 16/12/2016 12:19

It definitely feels like he is too abusive to go into relationship counselling with. A good counsellor should spot that, but might not until a couple of sessions by which time he will have stored everything you said in counselling to use against you. If you think it might be useful, then go by yourself.

Trifleorbust · 16/12/2016 12:23

I wouldn't send him any funny texts or engage in any swapping of tree stands. I would tell him I acknowledge his annoyance about the purchase but I can make up my own mind about whether I want to spend £20 and I am not prepared to be sworn at and shouted at over it. His behaviour is unacceptable. Then I would disengage.

bummymummy77 · 16/12/2016 12:23

Does he possibly have OCD?

Not excusing the rudeness in any way but I have OCD and this is the kind of thing dh would do and it really upset me.

Just putting it out there.

YokoUhOh · 16/12/2016 12:38

bummy there's a personality disorder called OCPD which is the first thing I thought of when I saw this thread.

OP Google 'things people with OCPD say'

TigsytheTiger · 16/12/2016 15:02

I pretty sure OCPD doesn't mean you have to send your significant other sweary texts though Hmm

bummymummy77 · 16/12/2016 15:17

No I said it doesn't excuse it. Hmm

YokoUhOh · 16/12/2016 15:49

No. Absolutely not an excuse (see my previous posts).

Stormtreader · 16/12/2016 15:58

I would have to swap it back and then ditch the old one. I would probably actually drive it to the tip or a charity shop to make sure it couldnt be swapped back.
The fact is they are not the same, you find the new one easier and I assume he doesnt find the new one more difficult than the old one. Therefore its actually better for you as a couple, even if its the same for him.

Satisfactorylemon · 17/12/2016 04:59

In this particular instant he was rude BUT i thin there is a lot more to it. Sounds like there is an underlying issue of how you two view money. And money can and does split people up.
He should apologise though.

Summerlovinf · 17/12/2016 07:19

The language and aggression in this text is just awful...I would be shocked and upset to receive this from a partner even if I had bought something we didn't need.