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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Did I do something wrong?

102 replies

MrsMcBoatface · 15/12/2016 14:04

Just had H on the phone, fuming because I bought a new Christmas tree stand when we had, he claims, a perfectly good one... I think it's ridiculous. I bought the tree, got it into the house and set up by myself and I thought it was a nice surprise. The tree stand I bought was easy to use whereas the old one was difficult. New stand didn't cost much (compared to the price of the tree) and we're not struggling for money. I've had a nasty phone call and two texts telling me that 1) I never listen to him 2) he's going to take the tree out of the new stand and put it in the old one. Evidently he'd got it out for me to use (left it on the front seat of his car, I didn't know).

I know this is a bit of a self indulgent rant, but I'm at work right now and feel like crying Sad I think he's determined to spoil Christmas and I just don't want to deal with it.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 16/12/2016 07:35

I think the tree would be going in the garden.

Does he act like this every year? I think I would be making other arrangements for Christmas tbh. It doesn't have to be miserable.

JoeyJoeJoeJuniorShabadu · 16/12/2016 07:38

He's a wanker.

Original poster
MrsMcBoatface · 16/12/2016 07:44

I'm feeling that I just want him to see that it's wrong. I thought he might listen to a counsellor especially if he knows 50% of the wealth is at stake.

He claims he 'isn't feeling well'. I know it's no excuse for taking it out on me.

OTOH, I've been reading threads on MN about people who have real problems, I have such a good life in so many ways. Perhaps I just need to brush it off. But I don't feel very loving towards H.

OP posts:
JoeyJoeJoeJuniorShabadu · 16/12/2016 07:51

Ah yes the old im not feeling well.
The last refuge of the cowardly and bullies.

jeaux90 · 16/12/2016 07:56

I think the thing that would piss me off on this is a) being told what to do b) being told how to spend my own money c) being sworn at over a fucking tree stand

You didn't listen to him Confused is he a teacher ?

I also bought the foot pedal stand this year, it's fabGrin

JoeyJoeJoeJuniorShabadu · 16/12/2016 07:56

Why is he like this at xmas?
Did he get the wrong coloured bike from santa when he was a child or something?

FantasticButtocks · 16/12/2016 08:02

He sounds like an angry bully... He wants this to be a big issue (or he wouldn't have changed the stand over) and seems determined to 'win' this and suck the joy out of christmas. Sad he didn't actually appreciate what you'd done in getting the fucking tree up and decorated, instead of turning it into a battle.

Now he says he's not feeling well. Tell him to piss off to bed and not come down until he has found his Christmas spirit. Tell him he is spoiling your Christmas and is that what he actually wants. Can't he just count his blessings and be glad that he is part of a loving family etc

FetchezLaVache · 16/12/2016 08:08

I'm Shock that he went to all the trouble of removing a fully laden Christmas tree from lovely, strokeable food pedal stand and transferred it to the fiddly screws one just to make a not very important point!

neonrainbow · 16/12/2016 08:11

What a bastard!! I couldnt get over it easily if my dh sent me that text. Just because it's not as bad as some people put up with doesn't mean that its not bad.

oleoleoleole · 16/12/2016 08:16

What a horrible controlling petty man. Instead of swapping the tree stand he could have found the lights. OP please wrap your tree stand up and put it under the tree as a gift to yourself for next year!

SixthSenseless · 16/12/2016 08:30

He worked himself into an all day rage over a tree stand?

He is either suffering some form of stress or other mental health / emotional issue, or is aggressive and controlling, or else has exploded over other long running problems unaddressed and unaired.

I would stay calm and resolute. Say 'I am not engaging in any more discussion about a tree stand' and 'it is not acceptable to swear at me' like a stuck record, and maybe 'shall we have s grown up check versatile about whatever all this is really about?'

I would be exasperated if DH bought another tree stand when I had indicated I knew where the d one was, but my reaction wouldn't go beyond a (well worn) eye roll.

SixthSenseless · 16/12/2016 08:32

And yes, swapping the tree stand hours after the initial text is way beyond rational.

Does he have anger issues?

fledglingFTB · 16/12/2016 08:32

I've had similar situations before, not such an aggressive reaction though. It's ridiculous that he thinks you're treating yourself to a new tree stand. The extravagance! Hmm

Sometimes when my DP is petty like this I realise he's projecting another issue (work, money, health). Equally not okay, but getting to the root helps him to realise he's being prick.

fledglingFTB · 16/12/2016 08:33

Also I bet if you handed him the receipt and said here you go - return it, that he wouldn't. Because it's not totally about that.

Starsandcars9 · 16/12/2016 08:38

Gosh I'm going to go against the crowd here and say you do sound annoying - if he had told you it was in the car and you didn't listen that must be pretty frustrating for him. Also purchases for the home should prob be joint purchases so you ought to have communicated over it - even if after the event saying 'I bought this because..' But then you don't sound like a very together couple saying 'his car' 'my money' - it does sound like this is tip of the iceberg.....

Starsandcars9 · 16/12/2016 08:38

Shouldn't have used that language on you though....

FlappysMammyAndPopeInExile · 16/12/2016 08:49

I guess I didn't listen hard enough

Do NOT take this on yourself.

Maybe he told you the wrong thing, or maybe you made a mistake. So what? Nobody died, but he is killing your relationship with his bullying, foul temper and language, and his petty need to be "right" all the time.

FlappysMammyAndPopeInExile · 16/12/2016 08:51

Starsandcars

Are you on glue?

Oliversmumsarmy · 16/12/2016 08:54

Another one for letting him to get on with things. Wouldn't even shop for Christmas dinner.

Let him do it all if he thinks you are so incompetent. I mean would he really trust you to get anything right.

longdiling · 16/12/2016 09:04

Blimey your posting history makes depressing reading op Sad. I hope 2017 is the year you finally find the strength to leave this horrible bully you're married to.

Roussette · 16/12/2016 09:04

Also purchases for the home should prob be joint purchases

Why? Unless you are thinking of buying something major, then why? Surely you are both able to buy something small for the home without checking with each other and the old tree stand wasn't working properly so the OP got a new all singing all dancing one. Sorted. Why does she have to bow to her DH's superior knowledge on tree stands? She made a good decision, and his tantrum about it is beyond pathetic

i have a friend who has to check with her DH for every single tiny thing, like he's the master of the house or whatever. It would drive me bonkers.

happychristmasbum · 16/12/2016 09:08

Is he always such a cunt or has he been picking fights recently? It would set alarm bells off for me.

You say he has form for spoiling Christmas, so saying it's just because he is ill isn't true. I don't feel too good today, I have managed not to shout or swear at anyone.

I am not convinced counselling will fix his apparent disrespect for you, but it's certainly cheaper than divorce solicitors.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 16/12/2016 09:09

I couldn't help myself, I'd HAVE to swap it back childish . I couldn't DEAL with being told off like a child over something so fucking trivial!! How DARE he tell you how to spend your own money?! He sounds vile. Swearing and going at you all day, so disproportionate.

Just reply "i acknowledge your Angst, rage and furious anger over my £20 Christmas tree stand. You have made your point, and i will no longer engage in any further discussion on this matter."

*And then rely to any further messages with..

"Fah lah lah la laaaaah, la la la laaaaaaah!"

This is the way forward.

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 16/12/2016 09:12

I wouldn't do it, but I'd fantasise about breaking the screws on his shit tree stand, pretend it was faulty and let him come home to find the tree lying on the floor in a pool of water and fizzling lights for him to clear up....

It doesn't matter that other people have huge problems in their lives op. A constant stream of shit like this to swim in can break you. And in a way that you don't notice before it's too late and you are broken.

And you don't sound annoying at all. What's more annoying is living with an abusive hoarder who expects you to understand vague instructions, and be psychic enough to know there's a tree stand in a fucking car!

I think you are right, next time you are with friends or family relive the amusing anecdote and read the text. I imagine he has a nice shiny facade he hides behind in company.

What kind of relationships are people really in, when they need to discuss in depth the purchase of small household items. Is there no trust and patience?

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 16/12/2016 09:15

Hear, hear, Roussette.