Did I do something wrong?

[MrsMcBoatface]

Just had H on the phone, fuming because I bought a new Christmas tree stand when we had, he claims, a perfectly good one... I think it's ridiculous. I bought the tree, got it into the house and set up by myself and I thought it was a nice surprise. The tree stand I bought was easy to use whereas the old one was difficult. New stand didn't cost much (compared to the price of the tree) and we're not struggling for money. I've had a nasty phone call and two texts telling me that 1) I never listen to him 2) he's going to take the tree out of the new stand and put it in the old one. Evidently he'd got it out for me to use (left it on the front seat of his car, I didn't know).

I know this is a bit of a self indulgent rant, but I'm at work right now and feel like crying I think he's determined to spoil Christmas and I just don't want to deal with it.

Fetchez

Yes indeed - form for spoiling Christmas! But as we're in the new house I thought he'd be happy.

I can't stand the waste. Its mental to buy one when you have one exactly the same actually better already. its plain dumb
I have a vibrator and a wage
please leave as you are expensive and surplus to requirement

665

Put the old one on eBay: Ruins Christmas but serviceable. The old tree stand could be given to your local charity shop.

OK so he's one of those. Tell him to get to fuck. My dad is one - don't know what it is but he had to spoil Christmas and have us all on eggshells. I suspect years of counselling would be needed to get to the bottom of it - suggest that maybe?

Maybe I pushed him over the edge and he had to scream at me like that.

Er - No.

Nobody "has" to scream at anybody. It is spoiled, self-indulgent, controlling behaviour. He is having a tantrum. This is only acceptable if he is:
a) under 4 years of age

b) prepared to be sent to the naughty step until he is prepared to say sorry and behave himself.

He is bullying you. Only you can decide whether his nastiness is worth putting up with for the sake of a quiet life. Personally I'd think carefully about it before clearing out the joint accounts and running off with the window cleaner .

I think that I would buy him a Christmas Dinner for One from some shop somewhere (there will be somewhere that sells them - or get toad-in-the-hole and stick a sprig of holly on it.) and then I would volunteer at a homeless shelter/ Salvation Army on Christmas Day. You will have a brilliant time - everybody will be happy and delighted to share REAL joy with you.

However, to go back to your question - You are well within your rights to buy a tree stand - or even a biddy forest if you want one and can afford it!

I bet your hoarder husband has cost the pair of you more over the years than a few quid for a stand (My husband NEVER throws anything away - it goes into the shed, which is a totally terrifying graveyard for screws, old kitchen appliances, lightbulbs and gardening stuff. When he wants something, he knows it's there but can't find it. Then he buys more . . . . However he never stops me buying anything I take a fancy to, so I let him get on with it. He is a nice man. It doesn't sound as though your's is, I.m afraid.)

665
Get another tree- that'd be his tree. You know, practicing for when you are in separate households next year. Does he always treat you in such a degrading, belittling, minimizing, dismissive, and yes, emotionally abusive way? Life is too short.
At any rate, he probably won't, so I will: I wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

I think counselling sessions will be my Christmas request. Though the joke's on him as a session costs 3x a treestand.

Liking the 'i have a vibrator and a wage
please leave as you are expensive and surplus to requirement!

Just annoyed as I will have to go home to a bad atmosphere. I really he wasn't there and Dd and I could watch Christmas specials on TV and drink eggnog!

Grrrr! This would push all my buttons. I'm afraid he'd get "fuck you arsehole!" texted back then when I got home I'd shove the bloody tree up his arse - new stand first.

Flappys-- thanks for the perspective.
And The Band-- I'm liking the 2 trees idea!

I'm surprised the old tree stand survived the house move OP. I'm a goady fucker so I'd've dropped the sideboard on it in the removals van but I can't stand other people holding me to their standards or getting aerated over a tree stand

for you this Christmas

Dd and I could watch Christmas specials on TV and drink eggnog!

God - that sounds goo! You would be living the dream! [grin}

8good, not goo

Bugger off autocorrect!

What an over the top reaction.

Just reply "i acknowledge your Angst, rage and furious anger over my £20 Christmas tree stand. You have made your point, and i will no longer engage in any further discussion on this matter."

And then rely to any further messages with..

"Fah lah lah la laaaaah, la la la laaaaaaah!"

I would not remain married to someone who spoke to me like that.

He shouted at you and then sent you a text full of totally unwarranted aggression - 'fucking' this and 'fucking' that - because you spent your own goddam money on something new you wanted?

He sounds like a real catch

Do you know his finances. My guess is there are some serious debts somewhere.

Just annoyed as I will have to go home to a bad atmosphere.

No you don't. Text him 'Have you calmed down about the tree stand yet? Wondering if it's safe to come home, or whether you're planning to kick off again.'

I would be texting back "if this is the biggest issue you have to face today you should be so lucky" oh and to get a fucking grip.

This is for a tree stand, that will host a tree that will be thrown away in a few weeks?

Talk about not seeing the wood for the trees :)

I would reply, 'not to worry, you can have your tree stand in the divorce, which I will be filing for at the next ridiculous rant. You always want to spoil Christmas so perhaps you should just move out now and be done with the stress?'

I came home to find he'd changed the lovely tree into 'his' stand. Mine is sitting by the front door. He says he clearly told me that it was in his car, what he'd said (to my memory) was that he thought it was in my car but it might be in his, this was within a long list of other things he was telling me, I guess I didn't listen hard enough and when I buying the tree I just thought I'd buy another so I could get the tree up immediately without spending time searching. I did go out and buy the tree myself as he was busy, maybe he'd wanted to choose it himself. But I thought it was nice of me to get it home and put up, including lugging a huge tree up a flight of stairs.

So I admit my part in this! But he made me feel so bad, like I had really done something wrong. He made me 'apologise' for not listening to him, he texted that he was 'sorry'. And now I'm wasting time overthinkng what I did wrong!

He can't see that shouting at me, texting f this and f that, is wrong. I'm really tempted to show the text to someone next time we are with mutual friends and see if he feels ashamed to be 'outed' as an a**hole. Or if a mutual friend would be shocked to know that he treats me like that about something which we all agree is trivial.

I want to ask for relationship counselling as a Christmas present...if he disagrees that we have problems then his and hers tree stands shall be a good reason to start divorce proceedings! Guess it's clear that we are incompatible as we have different taste in tree stands.

Ooh, it's not looking good. What did you say? How did you respond?

Relationship counselling is not recommended when one partner is abusive OP. Perhaps you could get some counselling on your own in order to work out how you feel about your horrible DH.

Ask him to read his own text thread and think about whether it is acceptable? Ask him how he would feel if you shared it with... Friend/DM/DCs.

Swap them back and tell him to fuck off.