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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I feel betrayed

70 replies

Redwings1 · 14/12/2016 13:01

My GF and I have been together for a while and when we got together we mutually decided we would take the step not to entertain members of the opposite sex with out the other there or unless in a public place.. however this week (Monday) my GF sent a text to me at 13:10 and said to me.. "oh my friend (lets call him bill) is popping by soon, is that ok?
I replied to say.. "popping over or asked, told that was ok and then asked me?" (13:21)

now even though I could see she had read the text she didn't respond to that but then began talking about other things.. her working hours over Christmas etc.. the convo about her work hours and availability were 2 texts one at 13:22 and another at 13:23.. then quiet.. now I was at work and was busy.. but then received a text at 14:05 in which she said, "I was actually asking re: Bill. But he is here now!!"

So I responded to say:

Well it's tricky cos while I don't want to appear that I don't trust you or cant trust you at the same time we did agree to do things differently and not entertain the opposite sex without the other being there.. so Bill must have asked to come by.. he always has checked in the past and then you must have agreed and then asked me? So whether you asked or not you must have told him it was ok ahead of time?

she replied: Well I did ask but you did not reply in time.. he did call and only ask an hour or 2 of actually being here.. she sent that at 14:32

so time line.. she asks me at 13:10
ignores my 13:21 response until 14:05 in which she tells me I did not respond in time..

anyway I did send one more in which I said well you did ask I did reply (I gave the message timings) and as I say it's not that I don't trust you but it's not how we agreed to do things..

she then messaged back: I love you with an emoji and several kisses..

Then today I went into her phone to get her mums mobile number (to plan a surprise) and I could see when I opened her phone icon on her iPhone that she called 'Bill' Monday.. he never called her.. and that call was at 12:11.. I thought hey that does not match what she told me.. so then I did look in her text messages as I thought he must have text her then.. but what I found was she text him.. at 12ish.. he replied to say he was driving home from a supermarket.. at 12:04 and at 12:10 he text her again to say 'I'm home'.. then as I say she called his at 12:11.. 1 minute after he text her..

So full time line..again

she messaged him at 12.02
he replied at 12:04 and 12:10
she called him at 12:11
she messaged me to see if this was ok at 13:05
ignored my 13:21 reply
messaged me at 14:05 to say I had not replied
messaged me at 14:32 to defend herself

when I saw her later that day (Monday this week) I asked her how 'Bill' was and she said.. yeah he had to get his car repaired and so was close by and wanted to pop in to kill time..

But how can his car be in the garage for repair if he was driving home from the supermarket at 12:04.. obviously not much wrong with it..

So now I know she called him.. arranged a meeting.. lied to me about it and the purpose..

should I question her and let her know how I know.. or let it slide?

I was not purposefully snooping I have to say, I genuinely wanted her mothers number.. the fact I found the other details out was as a result.. but now I am wondering if I can trust her at all..even over a small issue ..

anyway.. then I did snoop.. I went into her FB messenger and saw she had spoken to an ex booty call on Sunday and was joking about him living really close enough connect to her wifi (he has recently moved back to our area) and how he had poor taste for letting her go.. but she told me she broke up with him years ago and had not seen much of him ..

I am now wondering how much I should say and whether she is trustworthy at all..

thoughts?? What would you say or do???

I have to reiterate.. that I ONLY went ito the text messages when I discovered she had not been honest with the phone call.. she called him.. not, as she said, he called her.. it was then that I thought .. well I wonder if she has been honest and he text her but she mistakenly said he called.. but it was then that I discovered she had text him first..

so she text and called him to arrange this meeting despite saying he was needing his car fixed and wanted to 'pop by'...

what do people here think??

OP posts:
ageingrunner · 14/12/2016 13:02

Lololol. I didn't read it all sorry, but I assume it's a joke?

ageingrunner · 14/12/2016 13:03

Maybe she just wants the opportunity to decide what she does with her own life, and she can't do that because you're a massively controlling nut job? 😬

Costacoffeeplease · 14/12/2016 13:10

Do you really think you're being reasonable and rational here?

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 14/12/2016 13:11

Whether you have cause for concern or not, you did snoop before you said you actually did. You went from 'getting Mum's phone no', presumably via contacts, to checking out phone calls in and out to Bill. So own that, at least.

RoseOfSharyn · 14/12/2016 13:11

Are you 12?

TwitterQueen1 · 14/12/2016 13:12

WTAF is this about?

Cricrichan · 14/12/2016 13:12

Good grief.

Listen, you either trust someone or you don't. If you don't trust them then don't go out with them. She does not need to ask your permission to spend time with someone of the opposite sex.

Original poster
Redwings1 · 14/12/2016 13:13

Thanks ageingrunner..

however you may find it odd or controlling but this no time alone with opposite sex was not actually my idea but hers.. and I agreed to it.. but it seems she is not adhering and being a little deceptive over the details.

OP posts:
mortificado · 14/12/2016 13:14

The mind boggles. Is this a joke? If not I take it you've rotted through her phone tonne able to get that specific time frame???

mylittlephoney · 14/12/2016 13:14

Bloody hell stop snooping and go out and do something less boring instead.

baconandeggies · 14/12/2016 13:14

we mutually decided we would take the step not to entertain members of the opposite sex without the other there or unless in a public place

This isn't remotely normal or workable. What about gay or bisexual friends?

This isn't a relationship. If you don't trust her let her go (poor cow).

TantrumsAndBalloons · 14/12/2016 13:15

She has to ask your permission to see a male friend?

You checked her call log , read her messages and checked her FB?

TBH you probably don't want to hear my thoughts

Imknackeredzzz · 14/12/2016 13:15

You sound totally bat shit crazy

xStefx · 14/12/2016 13:16

OP, I cant believe I just wasted 5 minutes of my life reading your twaddle. Your controlling, get over yourself. she asked your permission and you came back with a childish remark instead of just trusting and respecting her. I can tell you play games. Your very see through ..

SaltySalt · 14/12/2016 13:17

🙄 Crikey! Was it your idea to do things differently?

abbsisspartacus · 14/12/2016 13:18

Are you teenagers? You sound younger than my 16 year old

bloodymaria · 14/12/2016 13:19

Wow. Maybe relax a little bit? You sound slightly obsessed.

RoseOfSharyn · 14/12/2016 13:20

we mutually decided we would take the step not to entertain members of the opposite sex with out the other there or unless in a public place

I particularly love this line. Because no affair has ever taken place in a public place. Oh no, absolutely not.

Happybunny19 · 14/12/2016 13:20

Wow you are insecure aren't you. I think you need to be on your own until you're ready for an adult relationship.

The list of times on the correspondence - I didn't know whether to laugh or shudder. I think you may be bonkers.

RockyBird · 14/12/2016 13:21

Stupid unworkable arrangement.

She should run for the hills.

lookatyourwatchnow · 14/12/2016 13:22

Wow, a real live domestic abuse perpetrator as an OP on a Mumsnet thread.

Good luck with this one, knobhead

SuffolkingGrand · 14/12/2016 13:24

Wow. Can't possibly begin to imagine why she'd want to socialise with other people.

Confused
nicetoseeyoutoseeyounice · 14/12/2016 13:25

I personally think that she wasn't completely truthful with you because she knew you wouldn't approve, not because there's anything untoward going on. The arrangement you have about seeing members of opposite sex is quite bizarre and maybe even if it was her who suggested it, she might now think actually it's a bit of a stupid agreement? Maybe you need to discuss that with her in more detail as it isn't a normal arrangement. With the other stuff you found. Perhaps you are reading too much into that. The fact you have kept note of the exact time you got a response, she responded to him, when she ignored your messages etc, makes you look really paranoid and obsessed about the whole thing. Just have a talk to her about it. I doubt she's up to anything.

Scarftown · 14/12/2016 13:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FoxesSitOnBoxes · 14/12/2016 13:28

it sounds like a really unhealthy relationship. Not normal at all to have to have these rules.