3 people in the marriage?or am I being paranoid?-long post sorry.

[Mumof3dogs]

I thought I would post on here to get some outsider views on my situation.
We have been together 25 years married 23 with 3 kids, 2 at uni, one still at school.
We live abroad ( won't put where in case someone on here recognises the situation).DH works in industry here and works long hours plus travels a lot for his job.
We have a family friend- female who lives back in the UK who I am increasingly uncomfortable and unhappy with her intrusion on our marriage and family life.
We met her a while ago on holiday,befriended her and started to chat with her online when we were home-what's app , Skype etc .She was very sad and lonely so we felt happy to try and help her out by keeping her company virtually .We also tried to help her by boosting her confidence and gradually welcomed her into the family, letting her holiday with us and visit with us here too.
She in turn was happy to chat with us, spend time with us and helped out a lot with things like shopping for us in UK, letting us stay with her when we were in the UK.
My concern is my DH's attitude towards her.He chats with her frequently sometimes more so than with me.He has a private chat with her that he seem so protective of , he has spent time In our holiday location with her when I was unable to go along or not wanting to go.
He stays with her when he visits his mum in the UK and assures me that there is nothing going on between them .
She in turn fusses him constantly,more than I would eg constantly making food for him , buying little gifts- anything he asks for she will do ,even driving him around for 4 hrs on her weekend if needed.
She is seemingly a constant presence at home as he will Skype her frequently and have her sitting on the I pad in the corner of the room all night .I have tried to get him to cut it down and he does for a while but then it goes back up again
I feel mean thinking bad about her as she has been a big help to us supporting him when we were living separate due to a job change and also being a friendly ear for me .
However our marriage has been suffering due to the previous separation time,DH stresses at work, anxiety and illness .He has been taking all his frustrations out on me and the family with extreme mood swings at times.He has said many cruel and hurtful things to me, often when drunk but the words still linger.
He has recently promised to change and put more effort toward me and the family ,to the point of constantly texting me telling me he loves me and then seeking constant reassurance from me.
I am open to his assurances and willing to move forward with working on the marriage, but having a younger woman also fussing around him in his life makes me feel very insecure and I feel I never get his full attention as he is always thinking about her and what she is doing or feeling.
Am I being paranoid or should I tell him to back off?

He's already left

If not physically, in mind....

OP, I really cannot understand why you are putting up with this crap, it can't really be all about money, can it?.

Even your kids are suspicious of what's going on

Are the assets you are waiting for in the UK?

When I got divorced I got nothing - make sure that everything secure for you because men who don't want to pay or have no morals will do anything to get out of giving you your share.

It happened to me - i got nothing and court can't do anything if someone determine to screw you over.

Good luck.

It's an awfully long time to wait...are these assets really worth it? Good lawyer might be able to help you secure your share of them anyway

So in fact there's no love in this marriage in any case? You are waiting for the assets and he appears to be pursuing another?

It might be that he wishes to leave the marriage and be with this other woman in 3 years when your great asset matures as well,in which case he won't stop seeing her as will see her as his future. In that case if you both wish to separate in 3 years you may have a better 3 years planning for it now. You don't have to sell all your assets when you divorce anyway. You can mutually decide to sell some at a later date.
You will both start behaving more selfishly once divorce is mentioned though and if he has the financial upper hand you may lose out.

My friend like that is now his wife xx

Well we are now on holiday for xmas in the U.K. With his mum and brother plus all our kids.
Writing this thread gave me the strength to put my foot down and tell him we would not be skyping the "friend" during our break and he was agreeable to this which is progress at least.
We had some chats about it all via texts when he admitted to being very depressed and stressed which apparently was the cause for his erratic behaviour ,
He claims that chatting to her when I wasn't available (over 4 day weekend I went to cinema for 3 hrs with our son ) helped him see the light .Still can't see why he couldn't talk with me as I was around when he wanted to chat - it's tricky though as there was a big time difference.
He has been more loving apologetic etc since, but she still seems to think it's all fine between them and he should still go and stay with her in a few weeks when he visits his mum . Her boyfriend is very unhappy about it and I can see why .
Anyway we will see how the next few days pan out, I am hoping he maintains his promise to stay calm with the family and no skyping ..

Being "depressed" is the oldest cop out in the book for a man who knows his behaviour is unacceptable.

Wow he got off particularly easily.

So she's anticipating him staying at her house again (for weeks!?) - has he told you what his plans are?

So she was "there for him" when you weren't?

Classic line from The Script. Stay firm and keep putting your foot down.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script

i'd stay in the uk with the kids and not return.

Omg. It's all SO wrong. They really are taking you for a fool. Seriously, she's on the iPad on FaceTime all night , just sat there?! She sounds pathetic and your DH does too. How the fuck do you put up with that!? With any of it?

Get shot of both of them. You deserve better than this!

This is your one precious life, which chances are if you have a child at university, is already half way through. How many years of good health are you confident you have in front of you to squander three of them in a relationship with a man who has no respect for you in the hope of a better financial return? Three years in which you could be happily single or meeting someone new who does respect you. Three years in which you could be taking your current assets and investing them in your new life.

All the money in the world can't give you three years of your precious life back. You can't take it with you. Where are your priorities?

At the very least get legal advice about a split in your country. Not just financial advice but about who decides where your younger child lives etc.

Value your time higher than you currently do. You are important. Show your children that they shouldn't stay with a partner who disrespects them.

Please say that he is not going to stay with her in a few weeks. I think you need a final ultimatum here.

And the moral of the story is: don't be breathtakingly naive inviting lonely single women into the heart of your marriage.

I think at the heart of the issue is that he is very successful and powerful at work and is used to people hanging on his every word and when he says jump they say how high.

I am not always willing to do that and he finds that annoying, needless to say our femail friend is in awe of him and always wants to please and not upset him.

Hopefully her boyfriend will give her a new person to please and look after

OP you need to wake up and see the bigger picture he is openly having an affair most likely sexual, if hes stayed at his house without you there and went away together. You're naive to not think otherwise hes feeding you classic lines and keeping you sweet but believe me hes planning to leave and I assure you it will hit you out the blue not in three years time. This is no way to live. What type of message does this send to you're kids they know his behaviour is inappropriate yet you welcome this woman into your home with a hug and a smile when no doubt shes slept with your husband. Sorry for the blutlness but its blatant for all to see.

Why can't he stay with his mum when he's in the UK? I'd be threatening to sue for adultery, no idea if that would mean anything financially in this day and age if the divorce is his fault?