Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

3 people in the marriage?or am I being paranoid?-long post sorry.

94 replies

Mumof3dogs · 14/12/2016 10:13

I thought I would post on here to get some outsider views on my situation.
We have been together 25 years married 23 with 3 kids, 2 at uni, one still at school.
We live abroad ( won't put where in case someone on here recognises the situation).DH works in industry here and works long hours plus travels a lot for his job.
We have a family friend- female who lives back in the UK who I am increasingly uncomfortable and unhappy with her intrusion on our marriage and family life.
We met her a while ago on holiday,befriended her and started to chat with her online when we were home-what's app , Skype etc .She was very sad and lonely so we felt happy to try and help her out by keeping her company virtually .We also tried to help her by boosting her confidence and gradually welcomed her into the family, letting her holiday with us and visit with us here too.
She in turn was happy to chat with us, spend time with us and helped out a lot with things like shopping for us in UK, letting us stay with her when we were in the UK.
My concern is my DH's attitude towards her.He chats with her frequently sometimes more so than with me.He has a private chat with her that he seem so protective of , he has spent time In our holiday location with her when I was unable to go along or not wanting to go.
He stays with her when he visits his mum in the UK and assures me that there is nothing going on between them .
She in turn fusses him constantly,more than I would eg constantly making food for him , buying little gifts- anything he asks for she will do ,even driving him around for 4 hrs on her weekend if needed.
She is seemingly a constant presence at home as he will Skype her frequently and have her sitting on the I pad in the corner of the room all night .I have tried to get him to cut it down and he does for a while but then it goes back up again
I feel mean thinking bad about her as she has been a big help to us supporting him when we were living separate due to a job change and also being a friendly ear for me .
However our marriage has been suffering due to the previous separation time,DH stresses at work, anxiety and illness .He has been taking all his frustrations out on me and the family with extreme mood swings at times.He has said many cruel and hurtful things to me, often when drunk but the words still linger.
He has recently promised to change and put more effort toward me and the family ,to the point of constantly texting me telling me he loves me and then seeking constant reassurance from me.
I am open to his assurances and willing to move forward with working on the marriage, but having a younger woman also fussing around him in his life makes me feel very insecure and I feel I never get his full attention as he is always thinking about her and what she is doing or feeling.
Am I being paranoid or should I tell him to back off?

OP posts:
Happybunny19 · 14/12/2016 17:00

He is clearly very jealous. He doesn't want her talking to her boyfriend when staying with you? Ffs op rock the fucking boat and stop being a doormat.

Goingtobeawesome · 14/12/2016 17:14

Please stop being so British and as a lot of women are and rock the fucking boat! All his doing.

JeepersMcoy · 14/12/2016 17:26

Your husband and friend are playing happy families to the extent that your husband is jealous when she has a relationship with another man. Despite them doing everything togethr except getting jiggy on the sofa in front of you, you are happy to sit back and let her come round to hang out with him some more just so you don't rock the boat.

My dear lady, the boat is rocking and it ain't you causing the waves.

Adora10 · 14/12/2016 17:34

Oh wow, I can't believe you are actually asking if all this is alright, erm, NO, it's not!

Jesus, he's openly conducting a relationship with another woman right under your nose, he has her on the IPad all night sitting in the corner, WTF!

I think you need to realise this woman is no friend, but right now neither is your husband.

Fontella · 14/12/2016 17:37

DH was getting stroppy about him ( BF) and her obsession with him , even saying he didn't want her talking to him while she is here , which I said is grossly unfair

I'm starting to think this is a wind up. You can't seriously tell me you had a conversation where he said he doesn't want her talking to her own boyfriend and you replied 'that is grossly unfair'.

How about 'it's got fuck all to do with you if she speaks to her boyfriend 20 times a day. You are my fucking husband, and she's not coming anyway so it's a moot point'.

Rock the boat?

Jaysus wept.

AnyFucker · 14/12/2016 17:38

He is having an affair in plain sight

Your problem is not this woman, it is your cheating husband who gets drunk and verbally abuses you because he prefers another

You wonder if you are over reacting, will "try" to stop the skyping and private chats and are still going to welcome her into your home ?

It's hard to believe anyone can be this much of a mug

P1nkP0ppy · 14/12/2016 17:47

Not rocking the boat?
I'd be sinking the bloody ship!
He's having an affair, right under your nose and in full sight of your DCs fgs!
If this is real I'd be telling her to F off and him to get lost, as for having her to stay......

Gordon Bennett!

Boolovessulley · 14/12/2016 17:53

Ok let me give you some facts.
When men who had cheated on Their partners were asked why, the vast majority said it wasn't down to sex or even that the ow was more attractive.
What they did say was that the ow was more attentive, put them on a pedestal and make them feel special.
It certainly appears that this is happening here.

My advice would be to put your foot down.
Give your dh an ultimatum.
Her or you.
It may not be anything other than an emotional affair, but that's how full blown affairs often begin.

2rebecca · 14/12/2016 17:55

If she was really that in to her boyfriend she'd be stopping all the skyping with your husband and concentrating on her primary relationship. As it is it sounds as though her primary relationship is with your husband and vv.
He should be more concerned about your feelings than hers, and he should be the one not wanting to rock the boat by cutting the communication back to normal friend levels.
The way to get over loneliness is not to develop an intense friendship with a married man, unless you want him to leave his wife and be with you.
he sounds quite unpleasant so I'm not sure why you're so keen to stay with him when he treats you like this.

jeaux90 · 14/12/2016 17:56

OP you are fucking kidding me. Currently you are giving him permission to have an affair. Why? And him getting arsey about the bf Jesus h Christ, you don't need more of a klaxon in your face to wake you up than that!

Helloooooitsme · 14/12/2016 18:09

Well the affair under your nose is ridiculous but befriending someone on holiday to the extent that they come and visit you in another country and you let them holiday with you (wtf) is extremely weird in itself.

MotherTeresasCat · 14/12/2016 18:20

Some of the stuff you read on here... what the actual fuck?

OP, what is the matter with you that you would even consider putting up with this for a moment longer? That's what you need to explore. Not whether your husband is out of order, or whether she is, but what the hell is going on with you that you are not - right this very second - chucking that damn ipad in the river and telling your husband that he will no longer be treating you with utter, utter contempt, as he is leaving. Pronto.

Huskylover1 · 14/12/2016 18:41

Let's not forget, that he also went on holiday with this woman, without the Op. I'm sure they played scrabble all week, yes? Wink

I'm sorry, but this has to be a wind up. Otherwise, I have never encountered anyone so naive in my life.

Op, if this is real, let me tell you, there aren't 3 people in your marriage. There's 1 (you). Your DH left it a long time ago, when he began all this shennanigans with the OW. If they aren't fucking like rabbits, I'll eat my hat. Hell, I'd eat 10 sombreros.

And let me guess, you got together young, you were one of his first relationships. He's now in his 40's/50's and wondering what he's missing. Classic mid life crisis. Twat.

But you are enabling it all, by putting up with it.

Happybunny19 · 14/12/2016 18:49

This can't be real can it?

WonderMike · 14/12/2016 18:54

saying he didn't want her talking to him while she is here

What the jeff makes him think that he can dictate that his friend cannot talk to her boyfriend while she is staying with you? Oh - because 1. he's jealous because 2. she's not just his friend Shock

Why are you not going apeshit, OP? Has this relationship snuck up on you? This "friend" is playing the role of your husband's girlfriend. Fuck staying quiet in case you ruin Christmas, are you really going to enjoy it anyway with him in the corner on the phone with his girlfriend?

happychristmasbum · 14/12/2016 18:56

Welcome to Mumsnet OP - reported.

ThePinkOcelot · 14/12/2016 19:50

This can't be real. Nobody could be this, for want of another word, stupid!!

Original poster
Mumof3dogs · 15/12/2016 09:12

Welcome to Mumsnet OP - reported.- @happychristmasbum ....not understanding that comment?

@ThePinkOcelot yes it is real , hence why I am asking for advice .
I have very few friends here that I don't know well enough to discuss this with

I have really appreciated your comments, whatever they were.It has helped me to gain to strength to step back and look at this situation more logically.

I am not in a position to leave him at the moment and am planning to stay until he retires early as by then we will be more financially secure . I have put up with a lot of shit the past few years and won't walk away now and not be able to live comfortably as I may be able .This may sound grabbing but I have to be practical and realistic.

I have find a way out of this mess first for us to move forwards I think without this toxic OW around we will have a chance as a couple.

OP posts:
WellErrr · 15/12/2016 09:25

You don't have to walk away but you don't have to put up with this shit. It's literally unbelievable, which is why people are reporting.

What will happen if you just tell this woman not to come, and tell your husband how ridiculous and disrespectful it is? Really?

alvinp · 15/12/2016 09:29

Sorry to say this OP but it doesn't look like you're calling the shots now, let alone in the future. You're right to think ahead and look after yourself but it's dangerous to plan for only one outcome.

I think you need to firmly and calmly draw a line, give him an ultimatum. But also plan ahead - secure your finances, get legal advice etc. You have no guarantee he won't leave you anyway and if you split you'll be entitled to a share of your joint assets.

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

Original poster
Mumof3dogs · 15/12/2016 09:58

Thanks @alvinp
The plan to stay is planning ahead and the assets I want my share of don't come to fruition for 3 more years at least and my share would be a significant sum.
I will reasearch my position properly and also plan to start a log of my issues so I have ammunition in any discussions/ rows .

I have a very supportive BIL who I will see over the holidays and I plan to bend his ear too

OP posts:
PetraStrorm · 15/12/2016 10:28

OP, as a PP has said, don't bank on getting to choose if/when you leave. He may be trying to do the thing where he behaves like more and more of a shit, so you leave and then absolve him of guilt/responsibility.

If this plan of his doesn't work, if the marital assets will be significantly bigger in 3 years, and if they are having an affair (which they are, btw, be it physical or emotional), you may find yourself being left before this 3-year deadline, rather than choosing to leave. You need to get your financial ducks in a row with this possibility in mind.

2rebecca · 15/12/2016 10:47

If you are just staying with him for financial reasons then you should stop enabling his relationship with this woman. Refuse to have her in the house, if she is there make her feel extremely uncomfortable and comment if they start flirting or wanting to be together.
Make it clear to both of them that this relationship is inappropriate.
You can't stop him contacting her in secret and continuing to stay with her if you are unwilling to split at the moment but you can make them both feel extremely uncomfortable about their behaviour if they are in your company and stop her wanting to come anywhere near you.

TempusEedjit · 15/12/2016 11:01

Three years is a long time, how do you know your H won't leave anyway or spend loads of your assets on this woman? Are you clued up regarding divorce law in the country you're in?

AnyFucker · 15/12/2016 12:50

He will leave you before the 3 years are up.

Swipe left for the next trending thread