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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

3 people in the marriage?or am I being paranoid?-long post sorry.

94 replies

Mumof3dogs · 14/12/2016 10:13

I thought I would post on here to get some outsider views on my situation.
We have been together 25 years married 23 with 3 kids, 2 at uni, one still at school.
We live abroad ( won't put where in case someone on here recognises the situation).DH works in industry here and works long hours plus travels a lot for his job.
We have a family friend- female who lives back in the UK who I am increasingly uncomfortable and unhappy with her intrusion on our marriage and family life.
We met her a while ago on holiday,befriended her and started to chat with her online when we were home-what's app , Skype etc .She was very sad and lonely so we felt happy to try and help her out by keeping her company virtually .We also tried to help her by boosting her confidence and gradually welcomed her into the family, letting her holiday with us and visit with us here too.
She in turn was happy to chat with us, spend time with us and helped out a lot with things like shopping for us in UK, letting us stay with her when we were in the UK.
My concern is my DH's attitude towards her.He chats with her frequently sometimes more so than with me.He has a private chat with her that he seem so protective of , he has spent time In our holiday location with her when I was unable to go along or not wanting to go.
He stays with her when he visits his mum in the UK and assures me that there is nothing going on between them .
She in turn fusses him constantly,more than I would eg constantly making food for him , buying little gifts- anything he asks for she will do ,even driving him around for 4 hrs on her weekend if needed.
She is seemingly a constant presence at home as he will Skype her frequently and have her sitting on the I pad in the corner of the room all night .I have tried to get him to cut it down and he does for a while but then it goes back up again
I feel mean thinking bad about her as she has been a big help to us supporting him when we were living separate due to a job change and also being a friendly ear for me .
However our marriage has been suffering due to the previous separation time,DH stresses at work, anxiety and illness .He has been taking all his frustrations out on me and the family with extreme mood swings at times.He has said many cruel and hurtful things to me, often when drunk but the words still linger.
He has recently promised to change and put more effort toward me and the family ,to the point of constantly texting me telling me he loves me and then seeking constant reassurance from me.
I am open to his assurances and willing to move forward with working on the marriage, but having a younger woman also fussing around him in his life makes me feel very insecure and I feel I never get his full attention as he is always thinking about her and what she is doing or feeling.
Am I being paranoid or should I tell him to back off?

OP posts:
2rebecca · 14/12/2016 11:26

I'd be giving a her or me ultimatum.
We can split up and he can then chat to her as much as he likes.
Otherwise no chatting and visits. All correspondence to be on a public computer and not more than once a week (if that to be honest they seem far to enmeshed in each other and this is an emotional affair with the intensity and secrecy.
I wouldn't be allowing the visit. She can stay elsewhere.

Original poster
Mumof3dogs · 14/12/2016 11:27

Yes she has paid to come over to see us ..

OP posts:
abbsisspartacus · 14/12/2016 11:29

I've been in this situation it was an emotional affair he left his wife and we got together

Dozer · 14/12/2016 12:05

Tell her it's no longer convenient. You - and your DC - are WAY more important than her inconvenience/finances. If she genuinely wanted to stay friends with you all and visit the country where you live, she should have behaved differently.

But of course the primary issue is your H.

Happybunny19 · 14/12/2016 12:15

This woman is not YOUR friend, no friend would behave like this. They are having a full on emotional affair minimum (very much doubt it's just been that when they're alone). You can't carry on and let her visit, your feelings are being put behind everyone else and she certainly hasn't shown any concern for you.

Put your foot down and give him an ultimatum, her or you. You have nothing to lose when what you currently have is a husband that blatantly interacts with his ow in front of you and won't share the conversion with you. I don't mind my dp having female friends, but they would never be prioritized over me and our relationship Flowers

HouseworkIsASin10 · 14/12/2016 12:24

I'd be having a word with your 'so called' friend. How can she think it's normal that she is monopolising your DH so much?

As for your DH, you have told him it's bothering you but he won't stop.
Therefore time to tell him to get to fuck.

WellErrr · 14/12/2016 12:25

How awful. Don't let them gaslight you. It's an affair.

Bluntness100 · 14/12/2016 12:43

The only word of caution I would add here is normally affairs are secretive. Once feelings or sex comes into it, people usually start to hide it. So the fact he's so open about everything other than messages is unusual. It is inappropriately excessive, but it could be just very close friends. However he should tail it back based on your feelings and the fact he is not is concerning. Either he is having feelings he shouldn't or he thinks as they are friends he's objecting to being told how often to speak to her.

As said, just trying to pull it back a little here, but the bottom line is if you're uncomfortable then he should lessen contact.

Original poster
Mumof3dogs · 14/12/2016 12:58

I think it is close friendship certainly and he can't see it as inappropriate at all.
I think he is playing both of us as he gets her to drive him all over when he visits his mum and stay there for free . Plus she arranges train tickets, day out for oap etc

But then I am left here feeling out of it when they talk about - remember when we went there and did that etc
She was here last xmas and they spent an uncomfortable amount of time together e.g. When I went out for dog walk/ shopping/ visiting g local town with BIL etc
I would ask them and would get , no I have work to do (her) no my foot hurts too much(him)
Hence no invite this year .
It's one of those things when alarms go off in your head but you cannot put a specific finger in why ..

OP posts:
xStefx · 14/12/2016 13:03

Make sure they get no time alone together this year, if you notice excuses being made so they can spend time together without you then make sure you go with them.

why does you DH dislike her new boyfriend? is he jealous? Also why doesn't he stay with his parents when he goes to the UK (sorry if you have already answered that I cant see it) im sorry to say I think if its not physical by now then its defo an emotional affair. Your being too nice OP x

Matrixreloaded · 14/12/2016 13:07

She is seemingly a constant presence at home as he will Skype her frequently and have her sitting on the I pad in the corner of the room all night

Blimey. I'd get up and turn it off. What a horrible intrusion regardless of who it is.

oleoleoleole · 14/12/2016 13:23

When she next visits set up a situation for the two of them to be alone together.....you need to go out for the day or whatever. Leave them alone for a while and u expectedly return home early due to illness, cancellation or whatever and you'll catch them together....i have no doubt.

Dozer · 14/12/2016 13:27

It's "in plain sight".

Dozer · 14/12/2016 13:33

You can simply rescind the invitation to visit and end your "friendship" with her without his prior agreement.

If he then gets angry about this and refuses to discuss your (well founded) concerns, eg in couples counselling (if of course you wish to remain in a relationship with him given what's happened), he is essentially choosing to prioritise his relationship with her over your marriage.

Fontella · 14/12/2016 13:46

It's one of those things when alarms go off in your head but you cannot put a specific finger in why

Fuck me, if there was an ‘understatement of the year’ award on Mumsnet, that sentence alone would win it.

Never mind ‘alarms going off’ in your head. I can hear them from here and I’m pretty sure everyone reading this thread can too.

Where to start ... he stays in her house and she buys him gifts and drives him all over the place, she comes to your house … and they prefer to spend time together than come out with you and other family members. She’s a constant presence in your home, on skype, on private chats, (messages deleted) on the ipad in the corner of the fucking room Shock, he’s always ‘thinking about her and what she is doing or feeling’ It’s upsetting you and your kids, and yet still he keeps on.

And you cannot put a ‘specific finger’ on why you are bothered? Confused

Find me a wife who wouldn’t be bothered at her husband carrying on like this and I'll run naked down Clapham High Street with a rose stuck up my arse!

FFS love, it’s time to sort this out. As someone up above wrote, tell him it’s ‘her or me’ no arguments and cancel that visit of hers immediately. Don’t let this woman anywhere near your home and your kids. And tell him no more staying at her house or contact when he visits the UK and if he breaks your trust again, it’s game over.

Time to put a stop to it, and if he won’t, then you know exactly where you stand.

FatOldBag · 14/12/2016 14:28

Fontella that was so accurate and direct I actually laughed - only because it's what everyone wants to say but completely without sugar coating. Sorry OP, it isn't funny at all, it's your real situation, but I agree that you are not seeing this situation clearly at all because you're in the middle of his. The relationship is really inappropriate, at least an emotional affair through level of contact and deleting messages, and I'd be surprised if it wasn't physical already. I also think you should cancel her visit right now, then talk to your dh about choosing her or you (or just tell him to fuck off).

toffeeboffin · 14/12/2016 14:33

As Fontella said.

Are you fucking shitting me or what? Some woman is coming over to go out on dates with your husband and you are wondering if you are OK with it?

Seriously?

Cancel the visit and cancel her.

Finito.

Helloooooitsme · 14/12/2016 15:11

Omg I've never heard the like. She's on the iPad all evening in the corner? How is that any way near normal?

I can only think this has happened so gradually and out of a sense of politeness you have not told him/them they are totally out of order and they had better stop now.

I would do what a pp suggested. Contact her and say enough is enough. Tell him to stop the contact or he leaves. Tell her she is not welcome for the visit.

Helloooooitsme · 14/12/2016 15:13

Agree with fatoldbag. I would be telling her and him both to fuck off.

PollytheDolly · 14/12/2016 15:17

Put a stop to it all now!

I understand it had gradually grown into this but tough shit, really. No way I would tolerate this.

Original poster
Mumof3dogs · 14/12/2016 16:37

Thank you everyone for your comments so far, it is helpful and making me look again at the situation.
My plan at the moment is not to rock the boat too much as I don't want to ruin xmas .
However I will be logging the Skype calls thAt occur and also try and put a ban on them happening on our family xmas break at least .
I think if lack of contact with her causes him upset then I have serious ammunition for the me or her chat.

OP posts:
Summerlovinf · 14/12/2016 16:37

Is her boyfriend coming across to stay too? This could get 'interesting'...

Original poster
Mumof3dogs · 14/12/2016 16:41

No boyfriend coming, just her .
DH was getting stroppy about him ( BF) and her obsession with him , even saying he didn't want her talking to him while she is here , which I said is grossly unfair.

OP posts:
oldlaundbooth · 14/12/2016 16:44

Rock that boat, op. And don't just try to stop the Skype calls, bloody stop them altogether.

Civilservant · 14/12/2016 16:56

Don't want to rock the boat! Confused

As a PP says, you are underreacting here.

You already have plenty of "ammunition". Your H is behaving like a cheating idiot.

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