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Original poster

son isn't allowed in our town. would you move for him?

59 replies

matthews12 · 13/12/2016 12:57

my son is 17 and very troubled, i have done my best for him and my daughter (who is a dental assistant, so obviously a difference). he has no gcses, and was supposed to start attending college part time when he was 14 but sometimes just never went and i couldnt physically drag him there. he has recently been moved out of our town (due to a gbh charge, but cannot go into it) he is living in a hostel type thing under ss. all he does it hang out with his 'gang' every day and refusing any help with education and training etc.

would you move to be in the same town as him?

OP posts:
Mix56 · 13/12/2016 13:02

No

hellsbellsmelons · 13/12/2016 13:02

That is really hard.
I'm not sure.
I think it would depend how far away it was.
Would it affect the rest of the family?
Would if affect my job?
How much would it cost/impact me?
How would it actually help him?
Is he willing to accept your help?
If not then it's a waste of time and money.

MoreThanUs · 13/12/2016 13:03

No

Isyss · 13/12/2016 13:04

Not until he realizes that his gang are a bag influence on him and he wants to better is life. You have another child to think about.

Original poster
matthews12 · 13/12/2016 13:05

its just so hard, he is still my son, i feel like i should have tried to have gotten him help sooner, i tried my best to sway him from making friends with the wrong people, but he was only about 12/13, maybe i should have done more, but i really did try. i cant believe this is how his life is going to be.

OP posts:
HeyMacWey · 13/12/2016 13:05

Would you want him to live with you?

I'd say no. He needs to learn to be an adult, and as hard as it will be he probably needs to learn this himself.

How long is he banned from your hometown for?

Original poster
matthews12 · 13/12/2016 13:06

of course i have another child to think about but she is 24 and lives with her fiance. i feel like i have her set up for life.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 13/12/2016 13:08

I do get it.
My DD was awful at that age (early teens).
Really bad.
She eventually made the decision herself to move to Spain to live with her dad and get away from all the 'bad influences' in her life.
Although it didn't work out and he was a cock, she really did come back a different person.
She's great now - nearly 19.
She doesn't really have any qualifications but she does work hard.
Always has.
I'd probably do anything for my DD as well.
But I did have to let her go for a little while and it did wonders for her!

TempusEedjit · 13/12/2016 13:09

No. He's clearly not interested in whatever help you've offered so far, and sadly whatever you've done/are doing hasn't had much effect it would seem and what if you move then he gets banned from that town also? I would concentrate on looking after yourself and your daughter.

sansoucitherednosedcariboo · 13/12/2016 13:10

What Tempus said.

Original poster
matthews12 · 13/12/2016 13:11

he hasnt lived with me for months, hasnt been living with me since he was 14, as he has been sofa surfing, ss was involved but as long as i kept my door open there wasnt a lot they could do. he was at such risk at that age. i admit there got to a point i wouldnt accept him back but he was 16 and they found him somewhere. the neighbour (who doesnt know the half of it) tells me how sweet he is, he always used to stop and ask if shed like anything from the shop (an elderly lady) and this was when i had not let him back and i felt awful, as it was clear he was still a nice kid, i feel like he could have done so well

OP posts:
sonlypuppyfat · 13/12/2016 13:12

You could end up following around the country

CashelGirl · 13/12/2016 13:13

Has he asked you to move? You can still be his Mum and support him from a distance. But until he is ready to make the changes himself, you are best to get on with your own life.

Original poster
matthews12 · 13/12/2016 13:13

but its my fault isnt it? he was bloody 12, i should have done something.

OP posts:
SheldonsSpot · 13/12/2016 13:15

What would your moving to a different town actually achieve? Because it sounds to me like all that will do is provide him with a doss house or a place for him and his 'gang' to hang out?

What about when he gets barred from that town - which sounds highly likely as he doesn't seem to want to change - will you move again?

Stay in contact, visit him wherever he is and meet for coffee, take him out for dinner occasionally... but move towns? Nope.

Lucked · 13/12/2016 13:17

I certainly wouldn't move to the town he is in now with his 'gang'. He would have to be begging and sincerely looking for a fresh start. The way you paint the picture at the moment you would move and still barely see him.

Original poster
matthews12 · 13/12/2016 13:18

no as i wont have him in my house i just feel like he wants an out but its too hard to when he is so far in, and i remember him saying it once when he was about 15 'mum, i love you more than any of them all put together but i could lose my life picking you' it broke my heart and i spoke to the police but they said they just couldnt do anything

OP posts:
LIZS · 13/12/2016 13:18

Is he in contact with you , does he want t be, what have ss said. Tbh at 17 your powers are limited. There is no point upping sticks and being no further forward. What happened when he was younger? Did you ask for help to encourage him to go to school/college ?

Flisspaps · 13/12/2016 13:19

Nope.

I work for a supported housing provider working with young people like your son.

We have mums like you who move heaven and earth to support their children but mostly it means the young people are less inclined to take the help we offer and they end up in a bigger mess than they started with.

TheCakes · 13/12/2016 13:20

What happened when he was 12? Is that when he got in with his gang?
It's very hard to control teenagers. Even if you keep them under lock and key they go to school (or not) and have social media.
It sounds like you have done your best with him.
Try not to be so hard on yourself. You can't change the past, only work with what you have now.

TempusEedjit · 13/12/2016 13:21

But what could you have done? Your parenting can't have been that awry or your daughter wouldn't have turned out so well. Stop blaming yourself, if your son needed surgery you wouldn't be beating yourself up for not knowing how to operate on him - likewise you can't "fix" his personality either...this sounds like it's beyond normal parenting/teen issues and you're not actually qualified to help him. All you can do is let him know you love him and keep the door open for when he's ready.

TheCakes · 13/12/2016 13:22

Just seen your update. If I moved anywhere I'd move far away, with him, to get him away.
But I'd need to know he was in the right frame of mind for a completely clean break.

Arfarfanarf · 13/12/2016 13:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wotsitsorcheetos · 13/12/2016 13:28

17 is still so young. you also have a life to think of as well as the rest of the family. He needs to want help before you change your whole life for him. Try visiting him, making sure he sees dr, counsellor etc (sorry don't know if this is applicable) let him know you will help him when he decides to change friends. You can't lock him up all day - no life for anyone. hope it gets better x

FlappysMammyAndPopeInExile · 13/12/2016 13:35

No - keep in contact but don't move. He needs to know you are there for him, but he also needs to sort himself out. If you start to "follow him round" (I know you aren't but he may not see it like that) he may deliberately behave badly just so you know you "aren't the boss of him".

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