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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

son isn't allowed in our town. would you move for him?

59 replies

matthews12 · 13/12/2016 12:57

my son is 17 and very troubled, i have done my best for him and my daughter (who is a dental assistant, so obviously a difference). he has no gcses, and was supposed to start attending college part time when he was 14 but sometimes just never went and i couldnt physically drag him there. he has recently been moved out of our town (due to a gbh charge, but cannot go into it) he is living in a hostel type thing under ss. all he does it hang out with his 'gang' every day and refusing any help with education and training etc.

would you move to be in the same town as him?

OP posts:

SquinkiesRule · 13/12/2016 13:44

No.
Don't cut him off, but stay where you are.
It's better he hits rock bottom at 17 and decides to live a better life out of a gang, than have you help bail him out and keep him afloat till he's 30 or 40 and then has less hope in a better life.

SunnyNights · 13/12/2016 13:52

It sounds like he is scared to leave the gang. I would try and get him away, even if just for a limited amount of time. Is that feasible?

Agerbilatemycardigan · 13/12/2016 13:52

If I'd read this post a while ago I would've said yes. But after a recent experience would definitely say no with bells on.

JigglyTuff · 13/12/2016 14:00

I mean this kindly but how do you think things will change for him if you're there? You being close by hasn't made any difference until now.

I'm really sorry - it must be terribly hard

krustykittens · 13/12/2016 14:00

No. You have already tried to help him when he was younger and under your care. It didn't work. Soon he is going to be an adult and there is going to be NOTHING you can do for him that he does not want. He can change, he's still young, but he needs to want to change. It doesn't sound like he has hit rock bottom yet. Let him do it on his own, don't let him drag you down with him, but stay in contact so you are there for him when he needs you. Don't beat yourself up as your daughter is obviously doing well.

Want2bSupermum · 13/12/2016 14:00

Let him come to you. One day he will wake up and realize he has screwed up. Let him know when that day arrives you will welcome him but until then he is own his own. He needs to want change.

When he does eventually come around be very careful of people who suggest putting him in the Army. It worked well for a girl at school but she was exceptionally bright and just needed a structured environment, which the Army offered. Most males do not need that environment and my brother has often said that the troubled teenagers that would come to him really struggled with MH issues. My brother would help them leave and get them onto a course training in a trade. Huge ability to earn a good living.

ALaughAMinute · 13/12/2016 14:01

I certainly wouldn't want him hanging out with a gang so I would encourage him to move back home so I could help sort out him problems. Easier said than done I know but it's worth trying if you haven't done so already.

I wouldn't move town for him because until he's sorted out his problems he's likely to be in the same situation again.

This must me a terrible situation for you and your family. Just remember that you can only do your best, after that it's up to him. Good luck.

Original poster

matthews12 · 13/12/2016 14:06

i cant let him move back home, he has a gbh charge and the court has put an order in so he cannot be in our town.

i think he has hit rock bottom lots but his mates in this gang pick him back up, he has been in hospital through stabbing and assault, etc.

OP posts:

Mistletoetastic · 13/12/2016 14:10

Meet him at a regular time, at the same place, somewhere he can go to easily, Offer some stability but from a distance.

Don't move

Natsku · 13/12/2016 14:13

I wouldn't, unless you would move with him far away from his gang, and he would actually want that (he has to be willing to change, otherwise it will just be a hurtful experience for both of you)

One of my brothers was very difficult as a teenager, it got to the point that he couldn't live at home any more as he was too violent and he ended up moving far away. My parents kept contact with him, and we visited, and just basically made sure he knew that they still loved him and cared about him. It took a long time but he sorted his life out (after a short stint in prison and having to escape from some very bad company who tried to follow him and a period in which he decided to re-connect with his bio-mum) and he is doing well now, married with kids and is on excellent terms with my parents and there's lots of visiting back and forth and generally its all happy families now.

So if I were you I'd keep the lines of communication open, keep re-iterating that you love him and you want him to do well in life but don't move to his town.

DixieWishbone · 13/12/2016 14:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hutchblue · 13/12/2016 14:25

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

romanrainsalot · 13/12/2016 14:32

I'd say no until he changes his ways, if he ever wants to. Then you can be there for him as his Mum.

If you move a short distance away, you risk him bringing all his 5h1t to your front door.

OlennasWimple · 13/12/2016 14:41

You would need to move a very long way to give him the clean break, though

Is that feasible? What about everyone else, such as DD?

Peregrane · 13/12/2016 14:41

What others said - move far, if he is willing, with him out of the reach of his gang and ready to start a new life.
How heartbreaking and sad that the police said they cannot do anything.

MsGameandWatch · 13/12/2016 14:47

It's funny that Simone said don't suggest the army. Because I read this thread and thought "the army could be the making of him". I'm ex forces myself and have seen some very troubled youngsters join up and without exception it was the making of them. But the best thing is, it's a totally clean break, no gangs in the army, they learn to look after themselves and build a massive support network of friends plus they're usually posted far away from the "friends" that keep them pulled down. It's not for everyone but it can channel their interests and discipline them in a way you wouldn't believe and they often love every second of it. Basic training has every second of every day controlled for them and sometimes that can be exactly what floundering youngsters need.

TimidLividyetagain · 13/12/2016 14:48

But there is a risk u move far away and he
Picks up with the local similar gang type kids in the new area particularly if he likes being out drinking smoking weed and taking drugs etc u haven't mentioned these but for my son anywhere he goes he meets the same people seeks them out.mine is 17 and a similar story. I wouldn't move unless by some miracle he wants to stop all of those pass times and basically stay in and completely change which can be done.but it's difficult and some live that way a long time. Unless he has turned his life around u can't do much for him the odd bag of food and clean clothes but is a tough line between caring and enabling. However keep talking and be available if he need to talk or visit and then if things change there is still hope

MsGameandWatch · 13/12/2016 14:48

someone

MrsMattBomer · 13/12/2016 14:59

This happened with a friend of mine. The only way you're going to recover him is to up sticks and completely move away from the bad influences and don't tell him where you're going with him.

My friend took her entire family to Ireland to get away from the bad influences and it worked. Her son had been in youth detention and everything but 18 months later he's now a great kid and has nearly finished his A-Levels at good grades.

Sometimes you really do just need to make a completely new start.

ElectronicDischarge · 13/12/2016 16:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

matthews12 · 13/12/2016 16:56

I never said he was abusive to people, that's one thing he has never been is nasty to innocent people. He is awful to people who do something (look at gbh charge) but look at the example of him with the elderly lady. It's also very easy to say you wouldn't care. I don't believe that, wait for your child to grow up, you always care. When I had refused him access to my house and got a phone call to say he had been stabbed, you think you wouldn't care? You do, you're worried sick and feel awful that your child has grown up like that, after all, it does reflect you as a parent.

OP posts:

Haffdonga · 13/12/2016 17:02

Does he want to live with you? Have you asked him?

(Little point thinking about relocating yourself and upsetting your whole life if he has no interest in trying to leave his gang lifestyle)

Cricrichan · 13/12/2016 17:15

I would move if I thought it would help. Have you spoken to him about it? I'd speak to him and if he agreed to try and sort his life out (look at a trade/get a job etc) then I'd move far away so that he'd be away from his gang influencing him.

But he has got to want it and he's got to be prepared to put in the work.

Hope it works out for you op xx

Cary2012 · 13/12/2016 17:31

Has he been banned from where you live for a set amount of time OP?

FlappysMammyAndPopeInExile · 13/12/2016 19:13

MsGameandWatch

Actually - i hadn't thought of this, but you could be right.

My friend's son was a lovely lad who got into really bad company. His dad pushed him to join the army and it absolutely has been the making of him! He would have ended up in jail, I have no doubt (as his brother did - and then tragically took his own life) ut has made a career of the army and loves it. (He trains other soldiers - not sure what the technical term for that is)

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