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Original poster

Contraception issues and relationship

54 replies

Fuzzypeggy · 13/12/2016 06:52

I'm not sure if I'm posting this in the right place but here goes.
We have 2 young children, married for 10 years, family complete and don't want any more. Using condoms since the kids. We don't have a lot of sex, which is my issue not dh's. We have all the issues of tiredness, young kids and busy lives etc but I also realised something recently. A few weeks ago I had a lot of breaat tenderness and started to panic about being pregnant. Completely ridiculous as we hadn't had sex since my period!! What this showed me is that becoming pregnant is playing on my mind a lot. I mentioned to dh that I would go to the docs to talk about the coil or similar and asked him if he would consider a vasectomy. He just said no, we don't have enough sex for him to consider an unnecessary and painful op. Now I get that totally and I wouldn't want to do it either but I feel he was missing the point a bit. I feel a bit sick at the moment of all of this kids and contraception stuff always being about my health and risks to me. E.g., being on the pill for 10 years previous, remembering to take it and also the health risks. Being pregnant and childbirth, breastfeeding etc etc etc. I'm just tired of all of this stuff coming down to my body and not his. I suspect I'm being unreasonable though as a vasectomy is an unnecessary op but I don't know what the answer for us is. I also don't fancy having the coil inserted although I'm sure it's probably fine, lots of women have it, but I do think I would still worry and want to use condoms as well. Can anyone offer me any advice? I don't want to be someone who pushes their partner into an op but I just don't feel like having anything chemical or foreign bodies in me, I've had enough of it. Aibu??!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 13/12/2016 06:57

It only takes once to get pregnant

Original poster
Fuzzypeggy · 13/12/2016 07:06

I know. You are right. Once id written all this down, I started to think I am def being unreasonable, it's not fair to ask someone to have an op I they don't want it. But I can see I'm starting to be resentful. Of course, he doesn't worry about me getting pregnant because that's not the mans worry is it, we as women have that all through our early sexually active years and I just feel I've had enough of that now. I feel like it's his turn to take the burden. But then taking his fertility away from him is a huge thing isn't it?

OP posts:
forumdonkey · 13/12/2016 07:09

YABU to say you don't feel like having chemical or a foreign body, but expect your DH to have a vasectomy when he doesn't want to either.

For what it's worth, my exh had the snip and it was more of a quick, pretty easy procedure rather than operation. The merina coil for me has been life changing for me. I wished I'd had it years before. My very painful heavy periods stopped completely as did my pmt. I'm on my second one and don't want it removed.

Original poster
Fuzzypeggy · 13/12/2016 07:15

I don't expect him to, I'm just trying to weigh it all up in my mind. I understand what you're saying but I would rather have a small op than some chemicals and a foreign body. That may be strange but that's how I feel. Although of course that doesn't mean that he feels the same way.

OP posts:
AmberEars · 13/12/2016 07:16

When your DH said that he doesn't want a vasectomy because you don't have sex often enough to make it worth it, did you point out that part of the reason you don't have sex very often is due to your pregnancy concerns so a good solution might mean more sex? That might help him change his mind!!

Original poster
Fuzzypeggy · 13/12/2016 07:17

And yes this is probably hugely unreasonable but I don't want to go through childbirth, pregnancy, take the pill, have the coil but all of these things fall to me if I want a family and then to not have any more. When does the man share some of this? Maybe it all comes down to this, that I resent it all being me and that probably is ubreasonable, most of its nature after all. Can't help feeling it though.

OP posts:
scaevola · 13/12/2016 07:17

His body his choice.

Now, vasectomy might boften e carried out under local, but it's still surgery in a delicate area and the rate of serious complications (those causing significant pain for a minimum of 3 weeks, some being essentially untreatable and lifelong)

You are being unreasonable about the vasectomy. If he does not want the operation, you cannot insist. Just as he cannot insist you have your tubes tied.

You have dealt with reversible contraception for a decade. It would be fair to expect him to take responsibility for reversible contraception for the next 10.

But wrong to expect someone else to have surgery to permanently remove their fertility. That's their choice.

Original poster
Fuzzypeggy · 13/12/2016 07:17

Amber, I didn't. I thought it but I didn't want it be seen to be bribing him with more sex.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fuzzypeggy · 13/12/2016 07:21

You're right iof course I can't insist and I wouldn't. I just wish he was more open to considering it, he won't even talk about it

OP posts:
forumdonkey · 13/12/2016 07:22

Having had my exh who had the snip and also having a merina coil for nearly 9 years, I wouldn't change my merina even if I was with someone who had had the snip.

There will always be someone who it doesn't suit but on the whole in RL I've found the women I know who have had it all feel the same as me. I have only found one who it didn't suit. For me once it's in, you can't feel anything and wouldn't know it's there, except no horrendous periods and PMT

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 13/12/2016 07:22

If you are adamant you want no more children, why don't you get yourself sterilised?

I am due DC3 any day now and then will be getting myself done- DP would happily have a vasectomy but I know people who have fallen pregnant anyway and I'm not prepared to risk it!

Original poster
Fuzzypeggy · 13/12/2016 07:24

Good to know that about the coil. Is it even possible to get sterilised without having to pay a lot of money? I guess it's not an NHS op?

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 13/12/2016 07:25

"he won't even talk about it"

Sounds like your real issue is communication, not contraception.

Drop the idea of the vasectomy (because he's in the right, doesn't matter what you think of his reasons, it's his body)

How are you communicating in other areas?

Original poster
Fuzzypeggy · 13/12/2016 07:27

Good. We are great really. He just closes a discussion down when he feels he's Given his decision and this is one of those times

OP posts:
Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 13/12/2016 07:28

No, it is NHS Smile

www.nhs.uk/conditions/contraception-guide/pages/female-sterilisation.aspx

AmberEars · 13/12/2016 07:29

I wouldn't see it as bribing him... just giving him the facts!

scaevola · 13/12/2016 07:32

You can get a sterilisation on the NHS (though down from about 40,000 performed in the 1970s down to about 8,000 now) but still worth seeing your GP. Most areas seem to have a policy of offering LARCs (because they are way cheaper than surgery)

Otherwise, get in touch with a provider like Marie Stopes fro private costs (the link isn't working on their website right now so don't quote, and I tried a couple of other providers who were opaque about their price structure).

forumdonkey · 13/12/2016 07:32

My GP wouldn't sterilise me, she told me the merina coil was being used instead of hysterectomies and sterilisation. I'm so glad I went down that route, because I would still have been suffering awful periods, that just got worse each month.

I can wear light coloured clothes now, not worry about holidays, I don't have to carry spare underwear and a bag full of sanitary products, no worries about suddenly flooding out of nowhere, no more ruined bedding. It's literally been life changing for me. Only benefits :-D

EvenTheWind · 13/12/2016 07:34

HIBU to say that the reason he won't have it is that you aren't having enough sex!

This needs another discussion. Ultimately, you each need to consent to whatever contraception but if he doesn't want any more children either, he should give this serious consideration, not a flippant and grumpy comment.

Original poster
Fuzzypeggy · 13/12/2016 07:38

That sounds brilliant forum. I don't have any problems with periods so I don't think I'd feel such a huge benefit but good to know.
Thanks for the link, I'll have a look.
And for the record, I would hate dh to have a procedure he didn't want, I think I would even talk him out of it if he was prepared to do it but didn't want to. My big issue here is just that he doesn't seem prepared to see or understand the woman's point of view and if I go down the route of me being sterilised it's the same thing yet again, me going through something contraception or child related while he does nothing apart from have sex with me!! I know that's a bit childish but I can't help it!

OP posts:
Original poster
Fuzzypeggy · 13/12/2016 07:39

That's what I think Even

OP posts:
Cinnamon2013 · 13/12/2016 07:39

No form of contraception is perfect, but I have really appreciated having the copper cool. We just don't have to think about it. Insertion is 15 mins and you're protected for years. It's a bit worse than a smear but not much, in my experience

Original poster
Fuzzypeggy · 13/12/2016 08:21

I didnt say this at the start of the thread because I just thought it was silly but now I think of it more I am just pissed off about it. When I mentioned it to dh, along with the not wnough sex thing, he also said he didn't want the side effects of the snip, a fat bum and boobs. I googled it and couldn't find anything about that, he has heard it anecdotally and believed it, he has done no research. Now I can't state for sure it's not true but I couldn't find any reference to it. As I type this I actually want to cry because pregnancy and childbirth changed my body in ways I didn't want and I can't help but think his attitude is just selfish, he just doesn't want the snip because of things like this. If it was more about losing fertility permanently then I would understand more, I just feel like this is all a one way street for him. Am prepared for you to say I'm being unreasonable, I'm just not sure anymore. Of course no one is ever excited about the snip and really wants it done but they do it for the sake of the family etc. I don't know. I'm upset now because writing this last post makes me feel awful and I'm not 100% sure why. I knownits not going to happen and I will drop the subject with him but I can't help feeling resentful.

OP posts:
AmberEars · 13/12/2016 08:25

OP, you need to talk to him. He probably has no idea you are feeling like this.

EvenTheWind · 13/12/2016 08:41

Yanbu

And there is no reason to drop the subject. Contraception is an ongoing issue for a couple.

Ask him why he is happy for you to have side effects!

Separately, would you consider monitoring your cycle and not having PIV when most fertile and trusting to condoms when less fertile? Or is that too much to contemplate?

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