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Original poster

Contraception issues and relationship

54 replies

Fuzzypeggy · 13/12/2016 06:52

I'm not sure if I'm posting this in the right place but here goes.
We have 2 young children, married for 10 years, family complete and don't want any more. Using condoms since the kids. We don't have a lot of sex, which is my issue not dh's. We have all the issues of tiredness, young kids and busy lives etc but I also realised something recently. A few weeks ago I had a lot of breaat tenderness and started to panic about being pregnant. Completely ridiculous as we hadn't had sex since my period!! What this showed me is that becoming pregnant is playing on my mind a lot. I mentioned to dh that I would go to the docs to talk about the coil or similar and asked him if he would consider a vasectomy. He just said no, we don't have enough sex for him to consider an unnecessary and painful op. Now I get that totally and I wouldn't want to do it either but I feel he was missing the point a bit. I feel a bit sick at the moment of all of this kids and contraception stuff always being about my health and risks to me. E.g., being on the pill for 10 years previous, remembering to take it and also the health risks. Being pregnant and childbirth, breastfeeding etc etc etc. I'm just tired of all of this stuff coming down to my body and not his. I suspect I'm being unreasonable though as a vasectomy is an unnecessary op but I don't know what the answer for us is. I also don't fancy having the coil inserted although I'm sure it's probably fine, lots of women have it, but I do think I would still worry and want to use condoms as well. Can anyone offer me any advice? I don't want to be someone who pushes their partner into an op but I just don't feel like having anything chemical or foreign bodies in me, I've had enough of it. Aibu??!

OP posts:
EvenTheWind · 13/12/2016 08:42

Ask him if he will go and talk to a doctor about the benefits and risks, as you are prepared to do for the coil.

MoreThanUs · 13/12/2016 08:48

I totally understand where you're coming from op. I would feel the same in your position and either want him to step up and take responsibility for contraception.

Dozer · 13/12/2016 09:00

Which is entirely his right. It's his body.

scaevola · 13/12/2016 09:05

If he did research it properly, he would find out about complications such as PVPS for which treatments are limited (reversal, denervation, orchidectomy), plus haematoma and granuloma.

Would that put you in any 'better' position?

That only women go through childbirth is a basic part of deciding you want a family.

How you choose which reversible contraception you use when you don't want children is between the two of you and saying 'your turn' is perfectly reasonable. But permanent surgical removal of fertility isn't that.

Joysmum · 13/12/2016 09:07

I too went through a feeling of resentment re contraception with feeling it was me who was always the one bombarding myself with hormones and being changed physically by having a child.

I suggested a vasectomy, DH didn't want to, e.g. 'Less of a man' etc but I was expecting numptiness soundbites like that as he's not great at expressing himself at the best of times! It took a little patience and empathy on my part to try to get to the nub of what he was trying to say.

In reality, apart from vasectomy, what is available for men? Not their fault there's no pill for men and they don't give birth or get pregnant.

What helped was knowing he understood my resentment, despite the fact it was unfounded and not his fault. There's no way I'd pressure him to have a vasecotomy as my dad's was a dreadful experience and our longest friend was regretting his vesectomy and trying to save for a reversal and coming to terms with the fact it might not work and he'd never father a child.

I too have been improved by the merina coil and wish I'd had one years ago as I'd been through so many types of pill because of my mood swings. Now I have no periods and couldn't plot when they would have been as my mood is consistent. That's by the by though. What important is that you both feel able to express yourselves, however badly that may be, and that you clearly show one another empathy, understanding and compassion.

EvenTheWind · 13/12/2016 09:11

Scaevola

Unfortunately biology means different options and different risks are available to different sexes. There is no reversible hormonal contraception for men; there is also no risk of pregnancy for men.

Being pregnant is also irreversible, in a way: Even if you abort, your body had to go through a procedure to bring that about. This should be weighed in the balance too.

I suspect op would take a considered response from her DH about the risks and a constructive discussion about how to minimise risks if they stick to condoms a lot better than the response he has given, which is dismissive and rude.

0dfod · 13/12/2016 09:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AuntieStella · 13/12/2016 09:25

The (entirely reasonable) wish for a more considered response is a communication issue, not a contraception one.

EvenTheWind · 13/12/2016 09:30

I do think the disproportionate risks for women should be much more acknowledged between partners.

At least there's no protest on using condoms but that's a base line, not a cookie worthy event.

Original poster
Fuzzypeggy · 13/12/2016 09:35

Thank you all for your responses, some Things to seriously consider here

OP posts:
namechange102 · 13/12/2016 09:51

YANBU. My OH has just had the snip, and sailed through it. It is not a completely irreversible procedure. Yes, if reversed, the chances of fathering a child can be greatly reduced, but compare this to a hysterectomy, which carries greater risks and definitely is NOT reversible.

If you can bear two children, with all the associated risks, in order to raise a family, I find it extremely selfish that your OH cannot undergo a straightforward procedure now that your family is complete. Especially considering that risks of pregnancy and childbirth increase with age, and you have been largely responsible for contraception for the past ten years. While women put up with this selfish behaviour, I can bet the research into better contraception for men will go nowhere fast.
I hope he mans up and realises how selfish he is being, OP.

Dozer · 13/12/2016 09:56

It's not at all selfish not to want permanent sterility and a procedure with risks.

namechange102 · 13/12/2016 10:01

Dozer, its not permanent, reversal is usually successful, especially in the first 10 years.
It is selfish not to discuss other options, and to rely on the woman to take all the responsibility and risks.

EvenTheWind · 13/12/2016 10:02

Dozer

Absolutely if he might want more children, it's a no.

Otherwise, it's a choice between which party bears what risk, isn't it? The only risk free option being no PIV, which gets shot down on here.

Op is bearing the risk of condom failure and it's not selfish of her to look for alternatives.

Dozer · 13/12/2016 10:12

No, she's not selfish, but nor is he.

XinnaJane · 13/12/2016 10:13

It's fine for him to say he doesn't want a vasectomy. What isn't fine is for him to 1. Rule it out without doing any research and 2. Make no suggestion about what the alternative might be.

It's also fine for you to say, I don't want to use the coil, pill etc, and I'm not happy about having sex with just condoms. As pp have stated, an unplanned pregnancy poses considerable risks for you.

it sounds like you are trying hard to see his point of view, but he is not giving you the same courtesy.

Joysmum · 13/12/2016 10:14

It is not selfish not to want a vasectomy.

As I said upthread, my DF's was not pleasant and straightforward and our friend has now had his reversal at great cost and him and his partner are trying to conceive.

The sooner there is alternative mainstream contraception for men the better.

Dozer · 13/12/2016 10:19

Namechange, that's incorrect, as the NHS info makes clear.

namechange102 · 13/12/2016 10:24

Which bit, Dozer, I checked my facts before posting.

Dozer · 13/12/2016 10:26

Reversibility.

namechange102 · 13/12/2016 10:27

What exactly did I say that was incorrect?

namechange102 · 13/12/2016 10:38

Sorry, was it my use of 'usually' successful?

WebMD:
"Chances of a successful vasectomy reversal decline over time. Reversals are more successful during the first 10 years after vasectomy.

In general, vasectomy reversal:

Leads to overall pregnancy rates of greater than 50%.
Has the greatest chance of success within 3 years of the vasectomy.
Leads to pregnancy only about 30% of the time if the reversal is done 10 years after vasectomy."

Yes, maybe 'usually' was a bit optomistic. Worth noting that the specialist had also mentioned the fact that some vasectomies reverse themselves in time, most often around the 7 year mark, post-procedure.

scaevola · 13/12/2016 12:00

The failure rate for vasectomy is about 1:2000 (source FPA) but about half of that is down to abandoning other contraception before the all clear. Spontaneous recanalisation is a well known possibility, and should be mentioned in both pre-op counselling and in take-away information.

Surgical sterilisation of either sex should be considered permanent, even though both procedures can spontaneously reverse.

EvenTheWind · 13/12/2016 12:01

I agree re permanence.

namechange102 · 13/12/2016 12:11

Don't think removal of the uterus can spontaneously reverse though Grin. Tied tubes, yes...

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