It's my sex-death-eversary! Where do from here?

[FrankensteinsSister]

Today marks 1 year since my last sub-par shag with DH.

To cut a long background short, his drive has always been lower than mine - in fact, we nearly broke up a couple of times pre-marriage for that reason, but he always assured me it (sex, kink, in our case) was as important to him as it was to me, and that things would change. Obviously, things never changed for more than a fortnight at a time.
In the last couple of years I've given up fruitlessly initiating because the constant rejection was too much (and to take pressure off him). Even when we did have the occasional quickie before this dry year, it was never good for me. He refuses to touch me below the waist. I've told him in the past how hurtful that was for me. He apologised and promised to change... we know how that goes.

The major problem is, he won't talk about it. When I try and start a conversation, he stares silently ahead and refuses to speak.

So as not to drip feed, with his permission, I sought kink/sex outside the marriage in 2014. Saw a guy maybe once a month for just under a year, probably less.

I think he's punishing me for this.

Where do we go from here?
Our sex life has always been an issue (we had sex once on a 2 week honeymoon), and honestly, I've always been a little bit heartbroken by it.

I don't think I am attracted to him anymore. (He is older). I don't think he is attracted to me anymore (I have put on weight).
i have no idea what to do from here. The idea of breaking up is terrifying (young dc). I can't stomach the thought of dragging us through all that heartbreak. I love him lots and he's a great coparent, but we are friends who inexplicably share a bed.

Tl;dr: DH has not wanted sex for a year. Won't discuss it. Attraction fades. What do we do?

It sounds like he wants no sex at all. And you want some or maybe lots. So you are not really compatible are you ? Unless you are both happy with an open marriage.

I think that's what it boils down to really.

Sorry, I know that's not what you wanted to hear.

If you get on generally and he says he's OK with you seeing other people, why not continue more or less as you are? But agree the sexual part of the relationship is over, so you're not hoping anymore.

There's the risk you will fall for someone else and leave, (in fairness that he might too), but in the meantime why not make the best of co-parenting and live separate lives sexually? Long term, plan for separation.

I'm looking for clarity, thank you! I go round it in my head so much I can't see for the tangles.
Not compatible - exactly, in a nutshell.

Category - I don't think he was actually ok with the open marriage. I stopped because I could sense resentment from him, even though he gave permission. I realise it's a difficult thing for a marriage to weather.

I think you're right, and my ideal solution would also be for us to live together for now but seek companionship elsewhere.

The sexual part of the relationship is over - thank you for validating that. It's actually super helpful to hear it from someone not in my brain.

I await the usual crowd who leap on these threads to inform you that you are a manipulative and horrible person for trying to get your dh to do things sexually he clearly doesn't want to. Oh but I see you are a woman, so it will not be framed in that way.

It sounds like you have already tried talking about and to no avail. I've no other advice than to suggest you leave him otherwise thing will only get worse. Bear in mind there was a man who was told last week in your situation on here that he would get even less sex if he left his apparently asexual wife, I would completely forgot ignore such posts should they appear.

I did get that he wasn't actually OK with it - but what are you going to do? He can't have it all ways. You can only endure a sexless not change stonewalled sorta relationship for so long. You have to take him at his word, really, otherwise it's just him being reasonably OK while you're suffering, and no changes being made.

He and you could read books like 'opening up' , 'more than 2' and 'the ethical slut' to get more of a handle on the open relationship thing. Although those are aimed mostly at people still having sex.

But I think if you agreed between you that sex is never happening again, then that frees you both up. Mentally as much as sexually.

Your situation sounds heartbreaking and I would have to leave in those circumstances. I think you have done all you can and while your dh refuses to address the problem there's no way of rectifying things. You are only asking for the normal loving intimacy of marriage and shouldn't feel guilty for ending things. From what you've described he can't tolerate an open marriage or make a compromise and give you what you need, so I don't see any other options open to you, sorry

I can't see how it could ever work to live together but have relationships elsewhere but I suppose you could try it.

Grow a pear - the OP doesn't say she's a woman. And in fact you are the only poster who has even mentioned his / her sex. So please stop trying to cause trouble,the OP is asking for help and a space to work out his /her feelings. Stop dumping your own issues here .

Do you feel he is still punishing you for having sex outside the marriage with his permission?

Because tbh that would worry me more than the lack of sex, worrying enough as it is.

The sexual side of your marriage is OVER. I certainly would draw a line under it and stop sharing a bed.

That depends of course on whether you have a spare room?

Do you do your share of the housework? ;)

Seriously, its a horrible position to be in and I've read a lot of these threads and seen very few positive outcomes, so following with interest...

'Won't touch you below the waist' ? Sorry frankensteinssister I think that he's probably gay.

Unfortunately, I have to say you knew what you were getting into. If it was like this before marriage, it was only going to decline and not improve.

When you marry someone, you are taking them happily as they are, not hoping for change.

Back to the here and now. Your options are :

• Start up the open relationship and have your needs met
• Live without sex in misery, to keep the family
• Leave the marriage and find happiness elsewhere. It will be hard initially, but the children will adjust. What they need is love from you both and a good coparenting relationship.

Remember ... you only get one life.

I can relate sadly. H and I have had sex only 3 times this year. For years it was always me who initiated and it happened maybe once every 6 weeks. Though the sex was good, H did not show me any affection at all in between.

I have now given up completely. The last time we slept together was in August, and I am no longer in the same bed as him as I cannot take the constant feeling of not being wanted. It feels better now that I am not hoping for anything. Our relationship is also very difficult in general and I would say is completely over (H also has bad tempered / stonewalling tendencies).

We are now living in complete silence as I refuse to play his emotionally abusive games.

This last year I could see that H had completely lost interest in sex (he is older than me), but he cares not a jot to even discuss it with me... Basically he is his only concern.

I think no sex means leave but I appreciate that if your relationship with your husband is good in general, it is a harder call.

I too am terrified of divorce. Mainly because of the dc, and because of how nasty H could get.

Does he give you any non-sexual physical affection? Kiss good morning/night, cuddle on the settee watching TV, etc?

Do you think he might be gay? No personal experience but if he won't touch you below the waist, it may mean that he's not into women?

This must be heartbreaking.

Would he consider counselling?

Jesus Christ, not wanting to do a particular sex act does not make somebody automatically gay. OP, he doesn't want to have sex with you and he doesn't seem to have been ok with you going somewhere else. Your marriage is over.

Ive never heard of sexual contact below the waist described as " a particular sex act " .

Look, he can't have his cake and eat it. He can't expect you to be faithful to him, if he isn't having sex with you. You have needs and desires that you can't just turn off, and why should you anyway?

How old are you both? How old are the kids?

I think you only have 2 choices really:

1. Separate and pursue other relationships.
2. Stay together until the kids leave home, and in that time you are free to sleep with whom you please.

Has he considered testosterone treatment? I think that may help. I've no experience in this area, but I have read about it.

Do you think he "sorts himself out" or just has zero desire?

Thanks very much for replies, hugely appreciated.

Ha! Yes, I definitely do my share of the housework ;)

I have also wondered if he may be gay, but if he is, he's so deeply closeted even he doesn't realise. I think it's far more likely that he's pretty close to asexual.
I don't think he even sorts himself out, no.

Testosterone treatment - he won't even register with the doctor.

Other affection - yes. We cuddle.theres the occasional kiss, he pulls away first. If I attempt to touch his bum or similar he twitches (and obviously I don't push it).

Counselling - he didn't think we needed it, then agreed in principle months ago, but, like all this stuff, I think he was hoping I'd stop talking about it if he ignored me hard enough.
I have a psychologist for anxiety, and he says we can go to relate to break up in the least bad way, which I think is the most likely counselling outcome. I didn't want to go to counselling to be told to massage each other and hold hands etc. I don't think I want to rekindle our sexual relationship, though I have left the door open for him to do so this year.

Sandy - I agree completely. I was an idiot to go through with it. I always think a marriage is a bit like a juggernaut once it gets geared up, and I didn't have the guts to stop it, nor to admit to myself that our basic sexual incompatibility wasn't magically going to sort itself.

Scaredoffallout- I understand the feeling of rejection! I'd love to sleep separately, but we only have a box room spare. Still, I'm planning to empty it out and squeeze a bed in there. Sorry your DH can be nasty. I also feel that he is being hugely disrespectful by not even deigning to discuss it with me - essentially giving the message that it's ok for me to be unhappy as long as I don't rock the boat.

Dc is nearly 3 and adores him.

growapair I do feel hugely guilty for potentially breaking up a marriage for sex - but then I remember that yes, it is normal to want it and have good sex in a relationship.

fetchezlavache yeah, I pretty much do think he's still punishing me.

Its still not a reason to stay in a poor relationship - this is the model you are also showing your child here for he to potentially repeat as an adult.

A poster called ItsgraceAgain once wrote this and it bears repeating here:-

"Nonetheless, it might be worth remembering that all children 'adore' their parents, simply because they're hard-wired for it. This does not necessarily mean the kids have made a balanced judgement that their parent is adorable. They're children; the parents they've got are the only ones they know.

It's more reasonable to look at how much give-and-take of love, affection and respect there is between parent and child. Balanced judgements can be made by you, the parent, because you have the benefit of wider knowledge & experience. How the child appears to feel about its parent is, in & of itself, a reflection of a child's instincts: nothing more. You need to look at grown-up evidence".