Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It's my sex-death-eversary! Where do from here?

61 replies

FrankensteinsSister · 12/12/2016 08:43

Today marks 1 year since my last sub-par shag with DH.

To cut a long background short, his drive has always been lower than mine - in fact, we nearly broke up a couple of times pre-marriage for that reason, but he always assured me it (sex, kink, in our case) was as important to him as it was to me, and that things would change. Obviously, things never changed for more than a fortnight at a time.
In the last couple of years I've given up fruitlessly initiating because the constant rejection was too much (and to take pressure off him). Even when we did have the occasional quickie before this dry year, it was never good for me. He refuses to touch me below the waist. I've told him in the past how hurtful that was for me. He apologised and promised to change... we know how that goes.

The major problem is, he won't talk about it. When I try and start a conversation, he stares silently ahead and refuses to speak.

So as not to drip feed, with his permission, I sought kink/sex outside the marriage in 2014. Saw a guy maybe once a month for just under a year, probably less.

I think he's punishing me for this.

Where do we go from here?
Our sex life has always been an issue (we had sex once on a 2 week honeymoon), and honestly, I've always been a little bit heartbroken by it.

I don't think I am attracted to him anymore. (He is older). I don't think he is attracted to me anymore (I have put on weight).
i have no idea what to do from here. The idea of breaking up is terrifying (young dc). I can't stomach the thought of dragging us through all that heartbreak. I love him lots and he's a great coparent, but we are friends who inexplicably share a bed.

Tl;dr: DH has not wanted sex for a year. Won't discuss it. Attraction fades. What do we do?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/12/2016 14:07

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What has or is keeping you within this? Staying for the sake of the child is no good reason at all to continue in this marriage. You and he are between you teaching your child that this awful example of a marriage is his norm too.

Divorce is hard going but there is an end point to the proceedings. Staying within this at all seems to be a lot bloody harder than divorcing him. This child cannot and must not be used as glue.

Where do you see yourself in a year's time; still with this man?.

Original poster
FrankensteinsSister · 12/12/2016 14:13

To be fair, dc wouldn't be privy to our sex life even if it were good! But I'm sure he picks up on resentments and tensions.

What do I get from it?
Companionship. A coparent in the house to share the load with. Financial security (I provide house through my family, but I don't work and he pays all bills).
I'm scared of the unknowns, but I'd imagine that's normal.

OP posts:
FrankAndBeans · 12/12/2016 14:16

Ive never heard of sexual contact below the waist described as " a particular sex act " .
Well it's the female equivalent of a handjob really isn't it? You don't see this on threads with reverse genders people accusing her of being a bloody lesbian. The double standards are ridiculous.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/12/2016 14:24

Is he really a companion though to you?. Financial security? Neither are reasons for staying. There is nothing here about actually still being in love with him and the attraction between you is no longer there.

Your son is learning about relationships from the two of you; he is likely to be picking up all the unspoken things between his dad and you.

Is this really what you want to teach your son about relationships; that because of your own fear of the unknown and for him you stayed. He will call you daft for doing that and perhaps even worse wonder why you put this man before he.

growapear · 12/12/2016 14:25

Agree 100% with Frank the double standards on here when a woman complains (quite rightly IMO) that her partner doesn't want to have sex with them are something else. I have seen men who post very similar stories to the OP called rapists if they had sex the wife didn't seem that into.

However, putting all that to one side in my opinion there is nothing wrong with leaving because you want a decent sexual relationship, and nothing to feel guilty about either.

FrankAndBeans · 12/12/2016 14:27

grow I actually disagreed with you on the last thread about the double standards but it's very visible here.

theredjellybean · 12/12/2016 14:30

you could have been me...
exact same story...sex was lack lustre in the beginning, barely happened thereafter and stopped altogether at approx 16 yrs of marriage...we co-parented well, had a good friendship, lovely home etc, and i thought i could live like this, but as dc got older and needed me less in the exhausting demanding physical way toddlers do i got lonely . I sought out affection and validation i was attractive elsewhere...had an affair thinking i could keep it 'just for sex' ...how stupid of me! affair partner and I fell utterly for each other, but both worried about our children, had 150 miles between us etc...we ended it and i just resigned myself to waiting until children were older. I have never felt so miserable in all my life...

Anyway affair partner and I got back in touch, both felt what we had was real deal and we left our marriages and have now been together for 5 years. The children are young adults, it has not always been easy, he is much more guilty than I, his exwife is still bitter and angry , my exdh is now in a same sex relationship ! he and i get on well and still co-parent well etc.

I now know that it is possible to have a long term relationship with someone and still feel passionate about them, still desire them and still fancy the pants of them , even at the end of a long day and a stressful week. I always thought my exdh and I had a poor or non existent sex life because we were tired/working hard/had children etc...now i know that those these things affect our libidos there can and should still be some desire in a relationship, otherwise it is just a friendship

scottishdiem · 12/12/2016 14:34

If I attempt to touch his bum or similar he twitches

Not wishing to dwell on something unpleasant but could have be been sexually assaulted or abused when younger? That is a very specific reaction.

SassyPants19 · 12/12/2016 14:40

It's true that a marriage is made of many parts but I do believe a physical connection brings a sense of belonging, strength and happiness to a person and a couple. You deserve happiness and to be touched and not physically rejected. There's a big difference between loving someone and being in love with someone and sadly, I think your marriage is over.

You deserve to be loved, adored, respected and touched in a way that fulfills you.

Your dc will adjust to a new norm as long as it is a stable, happy one. You may even find that you and your husband might be relieved to have a decision made, freeing you both.

Good luck.

Original poster
FrankensteinsSister · 12/12/2016 18:19

scottish I had thought of that. But it never used to be the case, only in the last 2 years or so.
theredjellybean thanks for sharing your story. I hope I can experience the same someday.

OP posts:
Original poster
FrankensteinsSister · 12/12/2016 18:20

Thanks sassy. I already feel relieved having mentally allowed myself to explore my decision.

OP posts:
Original poster
FrankensteinsSister · 12/12/2016 18:34

Just to clarify, I mentioned the 'doesn't touch me below the waist' thing to illustrate how indifferent he is to both my sexual enjoyment and to me sexually, not because I feel entitled to him touching me.
Like The majority of us, I really don't want attention that's half hearted or begrudging. It's just depressing.

OP posts:
SassyPants19 · 12/12/2016 18:53

I so admire your honesty. I think the greatest hurdle in these life changing decisions is acknowledgement and acceptance. You're seemingly conquering both with great dignity. As someone else wrote, you only live once, make it a happy fulfilled one.

EvenTheWind · 12/12/2016 19:03

Op, your child is 3.

15 more years of this. Can you even bear the thought?

EvenTheWind · 12/12/2016 19:07

Pear

That was a different situation and you seem to be setting out to hurt the op for the sake of your own ego.

Post reported.

Esoteric · 12/12/2016 19:24

I feel for you, I think this is how my husband must feel, I just no longer feel 'sexual' or that bothered but care about him a lot, at 55 for me it's not good. I've never been that bothered in either marriage after the first 18 months or so, I don't know why, if I could just magic up a libido I would!! I much prefer 'self sorting out' occasionally

FetchezLaVache · 12/12/2016 20:09

yeah, I pretty much do think he's still punishing me.

He sounds pretty immature, tbh. Firstly, in lacking the self-awareness to realise that he wouldn't be comfortable with your seeking sex outside the marriage, agreeing to it and then continuing to punish you for it years later. Secondly, in refusing to address his lack of libido in any way - doctor, counsellor, and most of all, stonewalling your attempts to discuss it.

I can imagine that there's more than just the lack of sex that's pushing you away from him.

scaredoffallout · 12/12/2016 20:26

Thanks FrankensteinsSister Smile.

MyWineTime · 12/12/2016 22:37

You have to leave. I cannot see any way of you staying in this 'relationship' and keeping your sanity. It's never going to get better - do you really want to live like this forever?

QueenLaBeefah · 12/12/2016 22:45

If your child is only 3 then you must be relatively young. I think the best thing to do is to separate- you really do only get one life and you can't put it hold until your child leaves home. Your situation sounds unbearable.

Original poster
FrankensteinsSister · 13/12/2016 08:18

Thanks again, all.
There's never a 'good time' to have a proper discussion, is there?
My issue/fear now is getting sucked into the minutiae of daily life and never getting round to making changes. But I think that's just because I'm so tired right now (ds sleep problems).

FetchezLaVache yep. That's what bothers me.

And PPs are right, it's not going to get any better.

OP posts:
growapear · 13/12/2016 08:23

Even

I offered the OP advice. Something I see you did not do.

In what way was it different ? The only significant difference I, and at least one other poster can see, is the sex.

girlwiththeflaxenhair · 13/12/2016 08:42

We all know that if the OP was a man, there would women telling him that he was unreasonable, his wife was just too tired and he should help her, there would be women telling him that actually never wanting to have sex again was perfectly fine etc, that if he did have sex even if she initiated, she would only be doing so to keep him happy and he was a rapist. Everyone knows that is what happens on MN.

None of this advice is of course valid or of any use, the OP has identified a problem, something that makes her very unhappy and has tried to speak to her husband about it and it hasn't really worked. I think she should cut her losses, there's nothing wrong with being upset about a lack of sexual interest from your partner and I think the OP is perfectly entitled to feel very hurt and worried about wasting her life.

OP - I always wonder in these situations, if he did change - would you really trust that he really wanted to have sex or would a bit of you think that he was just doing it to keep you happy ?

growapear · 13/12/2016 08:44

Even

Looks like you did offer advice, apologies.

EvenTheWind · 13/12/2016 08:45

Pear

Huge differences. That you can't see them may be something to do with a focus on egotistical point scoring.

I asked OP if she thought she could live with this for 15 years. A useful point to consider.

Not your thread, or mine, so I shan't address you again.

HTH.