It's my sex-death-eversary! Where do from here?

[FrankensteinsSister]

Today marks 1 year since my last sub-par shag with DH.

To cut a long background short, his drive has always been lower than mine - in fact, we nearly broke up a couple of times pre-marriage for that reason, but he always assured me it (sex, kink, in our case) was as important to him as it was to me, and that things would change. Obviously, things never changed for more than a fortnight at a time.
In the last couple of years I've given up fruitlessly initiating because the constant rejection was too much (and to take pressure off him). Even when we did have the occasional quickie before this dry year, it was never good for me. He refuses to touch me below the waist. I've told him in the past how hurtful that was for me. He apologised and promised to change... we know how that goes.

The major problem is, he won't talk about it. When I try and start a conversation, he stares silently ahead and refuses to speak.

So as not to drip feed, with his permission, I sought kink/sex outside the marriage in 2014. Saw a guy maybe once a month for just under a year, probably less.

I think he's punishing me for this.

Where do we go from here?
Our sex life has always been an issue (we had sex once on a 2 week honeymoon), and honestly, I've always been a little bit heartbroken by it.

I don't think I am attracted to him anymore. (He is older). I don't think he is attracted to me anymore (I have put on weight).
i have no idea what to do from here. The idea of breaking up is terrifying (young dc). I can't stomach the thought of dragging us through all that heartbreak. I love him lots and he's a great coparent, but we are friends who inexplicably share a bed.

Tl;dr: DH has not wanted sex for a year. Won't discuss it. Attraction fades. What do we do?

girlwiththeflaxenhair I pretty much know at this point that any changes he makes have a shelf life of up to a fortnight, usually less.

I think the answer is, if he wanted to be doing this stuff, he would be doing it. And the thought of him offering me sex because he wants to keep me happy is just bloody depressing.
A large part of this is, I want him to want me. I don't want pity sex, or 'doing this so you won't leave me' sex.
I remember sitting on the bed in a corset and stockings while he gave me a cursory smile and went back to watching tv. So many little things like that! So I gave up initiating, or bringing it up, as I said in my op.

This thread is a fascinating read when compared to the answers given in the recent thread (now deleted) who was in a sexless marriage.

I think it was a massive mistake and cruel of you to have an affair. It sounds like the relationship is over and that it would be better for both of you to split.

Huge differences. That you can't see them may be something to do with a focus on egotistical point scoring.

Or, it could be because, yaknow, there aren't actually any.

I dont think there is a mutually acceptable solution to this sort of problem

Who is suffering the most?
Who has the most to lose by ending the relationship?

The relationship was already over before she had sex outside their marriage. He had made it clear that he had no interest in sex so if it mattered to her she had to go elsewhere.
There is a ridiculous difference in how men and women are treated on this forum when they complain about a sexless relationship.

The fact is, he doesn't care that this is a problem. He is not willing to do anything about it. That shows his complete lack of commitment to the relationship.

Good luck OP, you deserve better than this.

The fact is, he doesn't care that this is a problem. He is not willing to do anything about it
I would suggest that he feels he can afford not to care, either because he is confident that the op won't end the relationship, or because wouldn't matter too much to him if she ended it.
He feels that he is the one with the most power

It's more that he's a great head-burier when it comes to problems.

You're right, mywinetime, he made it plenty clear before the extra-marital. For example, we got a day and a night off baby duty for our first anniversary- he didn't want sex.

The fact is, he doesn't care that this is a problem. He is not willing to do anything about it. I would suggest that he feels he can afford not to care, either because he is confident that the op won't end the relationship, or because wouldn't matter too much to him if she ended it. He feels that he is the one with the most power

This is an excellent point.

The major problem is, he won't talk about it. When I try and start a conversation, he stares silently ahead and refuses to speak
He can't risk a conversation about the problem because he doesn't have a leg to stand on, the inevitable conclusion of a rational discussion would be that the situation benefits him more than it does you and therefore you would be better off without him

He's a head-burier because he has nothing to gain by acknowledging the problem, stonewalling is a tactic to stay in control

Makinhg you feel guilty about looking elsewhere for sex is another handy lever that he can pull to control you
He is pulling the strings here