AIBU or is my partner a selfish arse?!

[blcr8333]

I'm new to the site so my acronyms might not be right and advanced apologies for the length of the post! I have a 3yr old and am 4 months pregnant with second. Shortly after we found out I was pregnant my OH was offered a promotion, the catch was he would need to work away 3-4 nights a week. Not ideal timing but we agreed he should take it. I was really supportive and told him I was proud etc but that it was going to be tough and we would both be tired and that we needed to work as a team. He made all the right noises. Fast forward a couple of months and things are not going well. He is away 4 nights most weeks. My 3yo is going through shall we say a 'challenging' phase and so by the time my OH gets back I am ready for a break! I should say I am also working full time and having to commute approx 1 1/2-2 hours each way, often meaning I work late at home to catch up as I need to finish earlier than usual to get LO from childcare. I'm careful not to just hand over the reigns immediately when OH gets back, but even then he's reluctant to pull his weight. I know he's tired and under pressure to do well in his new role but frankly his attitude stinks. For example I went away with LO last Sunday and didn't return until Friday eve. On Sat I took LO out on errands and in the evening I asked OH to put him to bed and he flat out refused as he was watching the boxing with a friend. He said he'd do it later?! I ended up putting LO to bed. Today I took LO to a party (OH refuses to EVER take him or even come with). OH had then arranged to go for lunch with 2 other couples and I'd suggested I meet them after with LO but he said it wasn't a good idea as neither of us would get to relax. I took LO out at 10:45am and OH then didn't return until 17:30. I had to sneak upstairs to get a bath in peace and pretend I'd gone out so LO would let OH put him to bed. Then at 9pm LO appears downstairs and says Dad's gone asleep and he's not tired! I went up to find OH in bed. I asked if he could put LO to bed and he said 'I've tried, he doesn't want me. If you just do it it'll take 5 minutes'. LO was crying and OH says 'mummy doesn't want to put you to bed?!' I mean WTAF! Then he's here one night this week, tomorrow, and he's booked to play 2 games of 5 a side with mates?! AIBU or is he a selfish w@nker?! When I try to have a reasoned conversation with him he just makes out like I'm a martyr and I should stop complaining. HELP! Xx

He's a giant wanker frankly. He's not even making basic efforts with his own child let alone your family life.
Serious chat time. If he's not in it as a team then you have to think about your future.
And I wouldn't tolerate living with the other parent who completely absolved themselves of any parenting whatsoever. That's disgusting behaviour

He's a selfish wanker.

What are you gonna do?

YANBU. He's being a selfish arse.

I suggest you take yourself away on a business trip during his Christmas annual leave. Book yourself into a hotel, take some books to read, some nice bubble bath and leave him to do his stint of childcare.

YANBU and he IS a selfish wanker.

And as for telling your child that Mummy didn't want to put him to bed...what a shit thing to say. He is willing to upset your child rather than do one small thing to look after him.

Has he always been like this?

I don't know if I would leave the child there if he isn't going to do any parenting

I'm not sure tbh. This is just my side obviously he may well cut it differently...'he works hard to provide for us and comes back to me nagging.' I honestly try not to but he is sometimes the most selfish person I've ever come across! I need advice on how to get him to see things from my perspective!

He has always been selfish and it was ok when it was just us, but now we have a child and one on the way it's not.

He doesn't get a medal for having a job. It's how he supports his family emotionally that really matters.
He comes back to you nagging because he is a crappy man baby who doesn't like responsibility

you bloody well work hard to provide for your family and you come back to selfish indifference and no support in doing all the shitwork. And you are pregnant.

Why are you putting up with it? I would literally be getting up at 8am on the next Saturday or Sunday he's home and saying "see you later then I'm out all day" and leave him to it. Come back at bedtime. Then when I got back we would be having a serious talk about why what you did wasn't cool and thus why- when you've done all of that x3 or 4 and are working full time- what he is doing isn't cool either.

He can see it from your perspective

He just doesn't give a fuck

So what I just up and leave?!

You need to leave the house first thing, and leave him to it.

Actually, I think I'd be tempted to LTB, but appreciate that's easier said than done when you're pregnant.

You make it clear that this is unacceptable in a relationship and his parenting is dire and that you expect more effort. Then you go from there with his reaction

LO has gotten really clingy with me and often tells OH 'I don't want you, I don't like you etc' which must be hard as that would hurt my feelings, but it's like OH just used that as an excuse not to do anything with LO. Don't get me wrong he does try and play with him and put him to bed but when it gets tough he just sacks it off!

That does happen with toddlers but at the same time he's basically fobbing you off as well and just doing all the things he wants to do. So not only is he not doing what he should do with his son, he's making it your problem and mess to sort out and just wants to be left to do what he wants

He will end up with no relationship with his kids if he makes no effort

Tell him he will have to work harder at bonding with you DS now, as he doesn't put him to bed in the week. So weekends that will be his job, to keep that important connection and stop DS becoming dependent on you which will be problematic when new baby arrives. Also, which day would he like to be responsible for, Saturday or Sunday, as you both have things you need to do while child free? Maybe he'd prefer to do mornings, and you afternoons? Either way, you're sure he agrees, it's easier to plan it so neither of you gets disappointed or needs to nag the other. Quality time is so important now you both work so hard...

Thanks for the reassurance that I'm not an unreasonable, hormonal, crazy lady and for advice on constructive ways to try and tackle the issue. At this stage I'd rather try and work through it than give up. We were happy once upon a time when we had little responsibility but things change when you've got little ones - think OH just needs to realise that!

It's not about giving up it's about being direct. I think your sneaky ways of trying to make him take responsiblity are too subtle and just not cutting it. You are hiding away hoping he will do things? You have to be direct in your relationship that no, this is not ok

You are possibly aiding his behaviour here by allowing it

He's so stubborn! When I say I don't think it's reasonable and that I'm tired too and just want a break - things just descend into a silly tit for tat argument. He often says it's like I keep tally of what I've done Vs him, which to be fair I can see but it's only because I feel like I do the lions share of the childcare. He isn't good at finding things that engage our LO and if it's something he's not into he just won't bother. The other day our LO asked OH to make a rocket with him and OH replied 'I'm only good at making money'! I despair.

He's manipulating you into leaving him alone by causing a row about it

It's avoidance
The fact you are trying to con him into being a dad by hiding in your own house speaks volumes

I've just gone through a big ole box of photos in the loft. Had a good ole root through. Been separated from exH 3.5 years and the preceding ten years were mostly horrendous/miserable/nearly broke me because I was married to a lazy man child.

Looking through the pics there are picture of me and him happy together, but only in carefree days in the city with money and a busy social life and freedom.

But as soon as children came along (we had had 2 dc quite quickly) he was a selfish arse and would do anything to avoid rolling up his sleeves and parenting. When the chips are down he still can't.

I think some men just don't step up because they are wankers. Or whatever. It isn't really worth wondering what's behind it.

Just know that sometimes you need to LTB.

This kind of shit is bad enough to leave. It will kill all the love you have for him.

I hope you can give him a wake up call OP. But I fear it will tke something drastic.