AIBU or is my partner a selfish arse?!

[blcr8333]

I'm new to the site so my acronyms might not be right and advanced apologies for the length of the post! I have a 3yr old and am 4 months pregnant with second. Shortly after we found out I was pregnant my OH was offered a promotion, the catch was he would need to work away 3-4 nights a week. Not ideal timing but we agreed he should take it. I was really supportive and told him I was proud etc but that it was going to be tough and we would both be tired and that we needed to work as a team. He made all the right noises. Fast forward a couple of months and things are not going well. He is away 4 nights most weeks. My 3yo is going through shall we say a 'challenging' phase and so by the time my OH gets back I am ready for a break! I should say I am also working full time and having to commute approx 1 1/2-2 hours each way, often meaning I work late at home to catch up as I need to finish earlier than usual to get LO from childcare. I'm careful not to just hand over the reigns immediately when OH gets back, but even then he's reluctant to pull his weight. I know he's tired and under pressure to do well in his new role but frankly his attitude stinks. For example I went away with LO last Sunday and didn't return until Friday eve. On Sat I took LO out on errands and in the evening I asked OH to put him to bed and he flat out refused as he was watching the boxing with a friend. He said he'd do it later?! I ended up putting LO to bed. Today I took LO to a party (OH refuses to EVER take him or even come with). OH had then arranged to go for lunch with 2 other couples and I'd suggested I meet them after with LO but he said it wasn't a good idea as neither of us would get to relax. I took LO out at 10:45am and OH then didn't return until 17:30. I had to sneak upstairs to get a bath in peace and pretend I'd gone out so LO would let OH put him to bed. Then at 9pm LO appears downstairs and says Dad's gone asleep and he's not tired! I went up to find OH in bed. I asked if he could put LO to bed and he said 'I've tried, he doesn't want me. If you just do it it'll take 5 minutes'. LO was crying and OH says 'mummy doesn't want to put you to bed?!' I mean WTAF! Then he's here one night this week, tomorrow, and he's booked to play 2 games of 5 a side with mates?! AIBU or is he a selfish w@nker?! When I try to have a reasoned conversation with him he just makes out like I'm a martyr and I should stop complaining. HELP! Xx

I meant in the sense that you have to resort to these tactics because you aren't allowed to discuss it

I know, but I'm really at a loss as to what else to do. It breaks my heart to think that we'd have to split. I just want him to be a partner. I think he feels that he provides as in the house, bills, lifestyle (he earns a lot more than me and therefore contributes a lot more financially) but I'm quite sensitive and I just find the lack of emotional investment hard to swallow. Hopefully it won't come to us splitting but by the sounds of things I guess I shouldn't hold out much hope!

You have to be strong in your own mind as to what you want from him and for your kids.
Some men do get a wake up call when they realise they could lose it all but some are selfish bullies who will never change. I don't know him so I don't know what one he is. But you will end up hating him if this isn't tackled because this is how it will be for 20 years. That's a long long time.

Your last post! Basically tell him your last post. You are completely in the right, you are not being hormonal.
What I will say (without remotely condoning his behaviour) is that he sounds like he feels redundant at home. The part where DS is saying he doesn't want him -totally normal btw for most kids to have a phase of this, coupled with you 'managing really well' may well have his nose out of joint.
I don't think you're quite at LTB yet, but I do know you'll need to resolve it between you before the next one arrives, however little time you have now, halve it

Suggestions I have are getting a babysitter or choosing a free night and sitting him down and telling him that things are not working for you in these kind of terms:

-He has almost no bond with DC, is this what he wants?

• he is not being supportive

-You get no free child time outside of work whilst he gets 5-6 times as much -this will only increase with new baby

• you aren't coping like this
• present a suggestion of equally split times for when he is home where you leave the house or he takes charge
• tell him the consequences for your relationship if things don't change
• tell him that you do not wish to be sidelined by tit for tat (and don't get drawn in)

Agree you have got to be clear and resolute about what you need want from him. About what is acceptable and what is not.

All I ever wanted with my exH was a partnership. I craved it for years. Never happened.

Whoever said that some of them change with a wake up call and some being just selfish bullies is right.

I hope yours can change but he will have to realise what he stands to lose.

Thanks so much for all your advice. Think I'll try to get some shut eye and plan a date where we're on our own and can talk things through....

IMO if he can see that you are easily pushed over, he will just push it all to one side, he already is. He just hears blah blah blah blah blah when you 'nag' and there are no consequences. You end up doing it anyway. He's probably more hard work than 3yo in this way!
Then he feels hard done by when he returns to the nagging pit of nag after his freedom of working away

Some men feel looking after children (even they're own) a woman's job. Years ago the 'traditional' roles were that a man brought home the bacon, while the woman stayed home, kept house and looked after the children.

We've come a long way from there OP, but basically this is what your OH's mindset is. Personally I would do what PP have suggested, leave him with LO and hv a lovely carefree day! But I appreciate that isn't easy, (I was also with a lazy MF).

Hopefully you will have a sensible conversation with your manchild and he may see sense, if not then you really do need to LTB!

God I'm sick of men who think they're tragic heroes for having jobs, yet their neglected partners and children are whiners. What did you ever see in this godforsaken prick?

One more thing, OP, get this sorted out now

Because you don't deserve a minute more of his shitty, disrespectful attitude.

You say he was selfish before you had kids,, but it didn't matter then.

Unfortunately that is the problem. He has always been selfish, he is unlikely to change. His priority is him.

How can anyone watch their partner run themselves ragged whilst relaxing and going out for lunch/activities with friends and extra naps in bed... He doesn't care op. He knows you want to 'make it work' and is happy to watch you run yourself ragged.

Do you intend to keep working post 2nd baby? Are you married?

What do you get out of this relationship and why also is your relationship bar so very low.

He was selfish before you had children by him; he has not fundamentally altered since that time.

All he hears from you is white noise, he will only tell you what you want to hear. He is not and will never be the man you so want him to be to you or his children. He is a poor role model to them too. He wants you to be the bad person here so he can go around saying, "poor me she left me".

Don't forget that while he's away 3-4 nights a week, he only has himself to please. He doesn't have to cook, wash up, or make his bed/clean his bathroom (I presume he's in a hotel?).

He won't be having a long commute like you do, as I presume he would be staying in a hotel close to his work.

So, all he's doing really is going to work. Like the rest of us do. Big deal. OK, so it's a promoted post, but most of us manage that and have to run our homes and families too. Male and female.

You need a serious talk and dont let him attempt to shut you up with the accusation of nagging. Prime deflection technique.

He has a flat near to the office but he won't be cooking or anything like that! He never cooks at home, he brings all his washing home. We have a lady that cleans once a fortnight and does his ironing - so to his mind that's his contribution (as he pays for it). His dad went out to work and was the breadwinner and Mum did all the gender stereotypical stuff - childcare, cooking, cleaning etc. If I say I work full time he replies with stuff like 'but what is all this stuff you say you are doing? We have a cleaner and she does my ironing, you're not having to make me tea anymore, so what is it you think you're doing above and beyond me?' If there are any 'man jobs' that need doing either I do them or he pays for someone else to do them and as far as he's concerned that's as good as him doing it. I was planning on going back to work after 2nd baby, but maybe drop one day a week. I know what it will be like, then he'll say I have a day off to do all the chores!

If I do want to go out with friends or whatever he does care for LO, it's not like I NEVER get time to myself. Just that when we're both in the house together he just seems to leave it to me.

Book a week away and leave him so see how "easy" it is! Sorry, not much advice to give but you have my sympathy and I hope you find a way through it.

Wow he's a massive wanker isn't he. You work full-time, commute a stupid distance, keep your house together, do all childcare and are pregnant and he still behaves like a spoilt brat. I would also advise that you book a break just for you and leave him to it all for a week. Then you can swan in and see how he's coped with it all. You deserve a medal for all you've tolerated so far, but it needs to change before you become seriously ill.

Seconding "book a week off". Not a day or two where he can leave stuff to slide for you to pick up, a solid week. Reply to panic and disaster with short breezy replies where you are sure he can handle it, like he would get from his boss at work. Hes a grown adult and can work it out.

He has a week off and thinks he does as much as you, so it shouldnt be any more work for him then, should it?

He is at home all next week so I may well do that! Just go and stay with a mate or my mum for the week. He'll just get his mum to pick up the slack.... and say I'm childish and pathetic for 'abandoning' my LO

Aw OP you have my sympathies...he really is a selfish bugger isn't he? Shame on him...but I doubt he'll feel any. He thinks it's all fine and you're the nagging wife.
What a swine.

So he's got a property elsewhere. This is good.

While you're off for the week take all relevant financial docs go and see a solicitor. Phone and book the appt today. A solicitor can help you figure out the lie of the land if you end up going it alone. It might sound drastic, it isn't really.

His power is he thinks you won't leave him.

But honestly you can and you have to believe that. A solicitor will give you knowledge and therefore power.

Everything he responds with is to deflect his responsibility and your perspective. I don't know what you're realistically supposed to do with that.

Therein lies the rub. I'm. I'm not on the mortgage. He owned the house with his ex wife and has been reluctant to put me on after his experience there. He doesn't own the property he stays in for work but he does own another small property and we have another together. He always says if anything happened he'd see me right, which I do believe. I'm not worried about going it alone and I think he knows that. I just think he doesn't care....

That is awful, if he can't even be arsed to look after his own child then I'm afraid I wouldn't believe the he'd see me right1, he's treating you very badly so no you're not BU, he is.