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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

AIBU or is my partner a selfish arse?!

61 replies

blcr8333 · 11/12/2016 22:21

I'm new to the site so my acronyms might not be right and advanced apologies for the length of the post! I have a 3yr old and am 4 months pregnant with second. Shortly after we found out I was pregnant my OH was offered a promotion, the catch was he would need to work away 3-4 nights a week. Not ideal timing but we agreed he should take it. I was really supportive and told him I was proud etc but that it was going to be tough and we would both be tired and that we needed to work as a team. He made all the right noises. Fast forward a couple of months and things are not going well. He is away 4 nights most weeks. My 3yo is going through shall we say a 'challenging' phase and so by the time my OH gets back I am ready for a break! I should say I am also working full time and having to commute approx 1 1/2-2 hours each way, often meaning I work late at home to catch up as I need to finish earlier than usual to get LO from childcare. I'm careful not to just hand over the reigns immediately when OH gets back, but even then he's reluctant to pull his weight. I know he's tired and under pressure to do well in his new role but frankly his attitude stinks. For example I went away with LO last Sunday and didn't return until Friday eve. On Sat I took LO out on errands and in the evening I asked OH to put him to bed and he flat out refused as he was watching the boxing with a friend. He said he'd do it later?! I ended up putting LO to bed. Today I took LO to a party (OH refuses to EVER take him or even come with). OH had then arranged to go for lunch with 2 other couples and I'd suggested I meet them after with LO but he said it wasn't a good idea as neither of us would get to relax. I took LO out at 10:45am and OH then didn't return until 17:30. I had to sneak upstairs to get a bath in peace and pretend I'd gone out so LO would let OH put him to bed. Then at 9pm LO appears downstairs and says Dad's gone asleep and he's not tired! I went up to find OH in bed. I asked if he could put LO to bed and he said 'I've tried, he doesn't want me. If you just do it it'll take 5 minutes'. LO was crying and OH says 'mummy doesn't want to put you to bed?!' I mean WTAF! Then he's here one night this week, tomorrow, and he's booked to play 2 games of 5 a side with mates?! AIBU or is he a selfish w@nker?! When I try to have a reasoned conversation with him he just makes out like I'm a martyr and I should stop complaining. HELP! Xx

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/12/2016 13:56

"He always says if anything happened he'd see me right, which I do believe".

No he will not see you right. He cares not a jot about you. You are in a house which is solely in his name; with respect to that particular property you have no legal status. His excuses re his ex wife are simply these. He could throw you out and you would have no legal comeback whatsoever on him doing that to you. You are not married to him and your legal position as a result is also very poor indeed. He is only responsible for his children.

"I'm not worried about going it alone and I think he knows that. I just think he doesn't care...."

Yes he indeed does not care. And why not go it alone; you want your children to absorb this crappy male role model they are seeing?. He thinks you won't leave him, prove him wrong. An individual like this man does not really want a relationship, he simply wants a maid/housekeeper to look after him and keep house.

TwitterQueen1 · 12/12/2016 14:02

Hi OP. I think that if you want the marriage back on track he is going to have to get a new job, or stop staying away. He's got a very cushy life - away from children, responsibilities, chores etc and can please himself.

Alternatively, you give up working completely - but I wouldn't advocate that as a solution...

Some very hard and honest discussion is required here.. Flowers

Joysmum · 12/12/2016 18:31

Suggest to him that he keep a diary of all the things he does to be a father, husband and contributor to the house for one week and you'll do the same with a birds to swapping roles the week after.

If he doesn't want to that's because he knows he's a lazy arse.

Naicehamshop · 12/12/2016 19:01

I agree with Joysmum - write down absolutely everything that you do in the house, including all the things that you do to look after your LO. Then talk to him about it. If he still can't get your point then I despair tbh. Sad

happychristmasbum · 12/12/2016 19:34

Yes, he is definitely a selfish arse, sorry.

Agree with PP - ultimatum time. He shapes up or ships out. If that means he changes his job then that's what he needs to do to keep his family intact.

blcr8333 · 12/12/2016 19:39

Funnily enough I did a 'week in the life of' today to illustrate to him the disparities between what he does to support with childcare Vs me but it was just me listing it all and tbh it was a bit facetious! Getting him to do it on his own is a good suggestion, I'll try that thanks. He has admitted today he needs to make more effort with LO, be more sympathetic towards me and generally more sensitive and caring but at this point I'll not hold my breath! We shall see.

OP posts:
EweAreHere · 12/12/2016 19:55

Having read all your posts, OP, I would say you work a lot harder than your husband.

He works full time. He has 3-4 nights without having to deal with child (meals, reading, bathing, playing, bedtime, etc). His mornings away aren't spent wrangling child trying to get him out the door to daycare (waking, dressing, eating, shoe searches, etc.) He doesn't do the household chores. He has lovely meals out nightly, no doubt. He makes sure his own ironing it taken are of, yet brings home the rest of his laundry to you presumably. And complains mightily and doesn't pull his weight with the childcare/household care when he is home.

You, otoh, commute daily quite some time and distance which is tiring to do a full time paid job. You deal with the child in the mornings. You deal with child in the evenings. And you're pregnant to boot, which means you're extra tired! And you deal with cooking for yourself and the child, and cleaning up after yourselves, and keeping the house in some kind of order, and doing the laundry for everyone, etc. And you get to do it all when he's around, too! Lucky you!

Who cares if he earns more? You work just as hard at work, no doubt, and you're doing way more than he is out-of-work hours and at home.

He is a selfish prat. Shame you're having another baby with him. He sounds like a real gem.

blcr8333 · 12/12/2016 20:20

Yeah started to think myself, god knows what it'll be like when baby No 2 arrives but hopefully by then he won't have to work away as frequently. Until recently (when he started working away) we were relatively happy, the odd moan and grumble here and there but nothing major. It's only really since he got the promotion that things have become fraught....

OP posts:
PaulDacresConscience · 12/12/2016 21:06

He always says if anything happened he'd see me right, which I do believe

He can't even be bothered to put his own child to bed and treats your home like a B&B, so why on earth would you believe he'd be a decent human being if you split? Look on this board; MN is littered with numerous women who thought their Exes would be reasonable post-split. I suspect that most of them would read your post and be screaming at their tablets and phone screens to protect yourself financially.

You aren't married, so you have no rights to anything that doesn't have your name on it. The best protection you can give yourself, is to go to work and keep your own income coming in and an active credit record. He brings his dirty washing home FFS; that's not a man I'd be relying on for family financial security.

43percentburnt · 14/12/2016 06:32

He's proven he won't take care of you financially if you split - by not putting you on the mortgage. (Especially with the excuse he was previously fleeced). Does he have kids from the previous marriage? Minimum CMS or more?

Love51 · 14/12/2016 06:42

Why would he see you right if you split up, when he won't even put your name on your home now, when you are together with a child and one on the way? That's bullshit, people don't get nicer when they break up!

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