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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

had an argument with dh about .....got few slaps from him....help

72 replies

sasa15 · 17/02/2007 08:24

feeling really down....
dh is a nervous type...he can't control his temper..........sometimes.......I'm always
try to be careful, I learn the way to
talk to him...in 8 years we only had big arguments 3 times..and we pinched each other and small slaps few times.....
but yesterday.......I was upset with him...just about the washing up left over...from lunch+dinner up to the morning after.....while I was working all day.
Anyway I strt to moan and ag loudly around the house, of course was smelly...and for technical reason there was not water where I live for few hours in the morning...he got up and in aggressive way slapped me...
not really hard not sign in my face---but he said I deserve.........
he said that he could do harder next time...
he said other things like the marriage is over.........and bbla bla .....we all do when we argu....
but I'm not happy about the slaps.....
he usually apologyse....but now he think I need to apologyse.........and I deserve so!!!!!!!!
I want someone talk to him....shall I call his sister.......we are in a foregn country and he doesn't speak the language...
but he needs to know that is not right to put hands on me!!!!!!!!!111

OP posts:
saadia · 17/02/2007 08:27

no he shouldn't slap you, will you be able to discuss it when he calms down?

Original poster
sasa15 · 17/02/2007 08:29

he was calm yesterday..and he said he thinks I deserve!!!!!

OP posts:
saadia · 17/02/2007 08:30

oh no, what would happen if you said that you certainly don't deserve it and if he ever does anything like that again then it's over?

Original poster
sasa15 · 17/02/2007 08:30

I slapped him back .......
ending fighting in the floor.......ds 2.6 came there.......few minutes..later and he laugh...didn't he understand?

OP posts:
saadia · 17/02/2007 08:31

Just tell him calmly that it's not normal for couples to be violent towards each other, no-one should have to put up with it and that whatever happens you need to be civilised to each other. If he can't see that then he has a serious problem.

Original poster
sasa15 · 17/02/2007 08:37

he already said to me marriage is over....!!!

but just because we were arguing.....
he often say he's happy with me and ds...and our life abroad...has an easy money job based
at home.........and bla bla ----

I know that he still love me...in the deep of his heart........

but his father was a bit violent with his mother, but really violent and drunk........they divorce.......he grew up...a bit insecure

he did a lot for no be like that...never drink much...stop smoking and going to the gym...together.,...btu I think he still got that little thing in his gene!

OP posts:
saadia · 17/02/2007 08:41

would he consider some kind of counselling to deal with his anger and violence issues?

PeachesMcLean · 17/02/2007 08:44

Oh sasa, I'm sorry I have no words of advice but you shouldn't have to tolerate that. Hitting is never ok. Personally I simply wouldn't stay around if DH hit me, but I know real life is never that straightforward. I hope someone here comes up with some better suggestions for you.

sazjaz · 17/02/2007 08:46

sorry to but in but does he do it in public like in front of friends?

BandofMothers · 17/02/2007 08:51

There are 2 things that would make me leave the relationship immediately, and that is cheating and physical violence.
Dh knows that, and I don't think there's ever really a good enough excuse for it!!
Perhaps some sort of anger management course, I'm sure there is someone there who speaks his language who could do that. And some relationship counseling for you both to teach you how to communicate without resorting to hitting, esp in front of your ds.

Original poster
sasa15 · 17/02/2007 08:52

no because he thinks that was right!!!
I've got to be honest...he was still in bed and I start to nag and scream around him nad around the house.....!!!!!

but it's few months that I said...to do the washing up straight after lunch or dinner
it's the only thing he has to do...and we agreed that....I work full time, I look after the baby when I'm at home...and I cook...I have a cleaner for the rest....once a week...
but he still does washing up in his own time......and yesterday i esplode about it

OP posts:
Original poster
sasa15 · 17/02/2007 08:53

no in front of friends!

OP posts:
Chandra · 17/02/2007 08:56

Sasa, I'm sorry this have happened but... it seems from your posts that you have changed quite a lot on yourself to adapt/avoid your DH anger. Which is totally unfair. He has no excuse, I guess many of us moan about the washing up without fearing being slapped. I think that appologising is not enough, he has to do something to learn to control his anger.

You also said "but his father was a bit violent with his mother, but really violent and drunk........they divorce.......he grew up...a bit insecure " Unfortunately these patterns are easy to be repeated unless HE does something about it, otherwise your child may be telling the same story when he grows up.

MamazonAKAfatty · 17/02/2007 08:59

Sweetheart it doesn't matter if you scream till your face turns red he has no right to hit you!

You need to leave. You are already having to moderate your behaviour around him for fear of being hit, he is now telling you that the abuse is deserved rather than the usual apologising and trying to say sorry....he feels he doesn't need to beg and scrape around you afterwards because you just accept that what he has done is normal.

Your child is at risk if you stay.

That is the cold hard reality. You need to get in touch with WOMENS AID or REFUGE and speak to a professional. I am not going to say leave him as i have been there and it is a very difficult and personal decision but you do need to speak to someone so that you know where you stand and what is available to you if and when you make that decision.

the number for Womens aid is 0808 2000 247.
PLEASE CALL THEM

BandofMothers · 17/02/2007 09:00

I don't think it's unreasonable to do that one little thing, esp if that's all he does and you do the rest!! and work full time.
It is not alright to slap you, even if he thinks it is. You need to let him know it's not alright or he'll keep doing it.
If he continues to think it's ok, tell him to f**k off.
Am not being horrible, but only you can decide whether you want to be that woman. Do you really want your ds to grow up thinking it's ok to hit women???

EllieHsMum · 17/02/2007 09:01

sasa15 He needs to seek help, or you have to put you & your lo first. I am sorry to be so blunt, if this was me I would be out of there in a shot. Good Luck.

Original poster
sasa15 · 17/02/2007 09:04

how do manage....to leave........
how much ds will suffer.......?

I think we can fix it!!!! somehow...

I don't want to leave him!!!

OP posts:
sazjaz · 17/02/2007 09:07

iv been with my partner for ten years . hes a 16 stoneskinhead .he has never once hit slapped or pushed me. he at the moment has a broken hand from giving someone a pasting last weekend ,so i know he has it in him .but if it came to the point where i was scared of him .which im not .then i think the relation ship would be over .i couldnt live in fear of a man. my dad used to hit my mum . and say everything is her fault . but on his own i would see him cry because he couldnt control his anger . i really think u should try and get some help for him . and if he truely loves u he will .

Chandra · 17/02/2007 09:12

You don't have to leave him, but be sure that something is done about it... have you considered Relate?

If he totally refuse to change, I think your child and you would be much better without him. Besides... you already take care of everything but the washing up, is not as things would change a lot, are they?

BandofMothers · 17/02/2007 09:12

If he will get help and you can fix it then that's good, but if he thinks it's ok to hit you your ds will suffer much more.
One of my best friends was beaten up by her own sister, in front of her dd-8yrs and her ds-2 yrs.
Her dd was so scared she wet herself and is now convinced that her mum can't protect her any more.
Your ds will suffer more if you stay with an aggressive/violent man.

EllieHsMum · 17/02/2007 09:15

sasa15 I think you should call the number MamazonAKAfatty quoted

sazjaz · 17/02/2007 09:22

i was taken away when i was 4 to live with grand parents because of the violence . she went on to have 2 brothers and a sister who all see it .my eldest brother has now started hitting his girlfriend and is following in dads footsteps . so these things can follow on . if he rufuses help then its in ur sons interest to get out of there

Original poster
sasa15 · 17/02/2007 09:24

there is not WOMENS AID or REFUGE in Italy!

OP posts:
Original poster
sasa15 · 17/02/2007 09:27

I should go for few days...
but I don't want family getting involved at this stage!!!!!

but I feel really sorry to leave ds!!!

he works from home internet based...he can't leave

OP posts:
Chandra · 17/02/2007 09:28

Sasa, you will be surprised, try to look for it, it may not be called like that but there should be some organisation protecting women against violence.