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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

had an argument with dh about .....got few slaps from him....help

72 replies

sasa15 · 17/02/2007 08:24

feeling really down....
dh is a nervous type...he can't control his temper..........sometimes.......I'm always
try to be careful, I learn the way to
talk to him...in 8 years we only had big arguments 3 times..and we pinched each other and small slaps few times.....
but yesterday.......I was upset with him...just about the washing up left over...from lunch+dinner up to the morning after.....while I was working all day.
Anyway I strt to moan and ag loudly around the house, of course was smelly...and for technical reason there was not water where I live for few hours in the morning...he got up and in aggressive way slapped me...
not really hard not sign in my face---but he said I deserve.........
he said that he could do harder next time...
he said other things like the marriage is over.........and bbla bla .....we all do when we argu....
but I'm not happy about the slaps.....
he usually apologyse....but now he think I need to apologyse.........and I deserve so!!!!!!!!
I want someone talk to him....shall I call his sister.......we are in a foregn country and he doesn't speak the language...
but he needs to know that is not right to put hands on me!!!!!!!!!111

OP posts:
sazjaz · 17/02/2007 09:29

do u have any friends out there other than his family that could help u

Original poster
sasa15 · 17/02/2007 09:31

they are italian and they can't speak to him.....for counselling

OP posts:
sazjaz · 17/02/2007 09:32

do they have a citzens advice centre out there . they could help with getting a translater

Original poster
sasa15 · 17/02/2007 09:33

My mother an hour and half away..but I need to work...
I can't lose my job....otherwise I can cope with maintenance, for ds......also working in shift
8-16...16-24 and once A WEEK 24-8

OP posts:
Original poster
sasa15 · 17/02/2007 09:33

italian services...don't work really well...I 'll try...

OP posts:
Chandra · 17/02/2007 09:34

Don't even think about leaving DS! he needs to be in a safe place as much as you do. Interesting you take his needs so seriously when he is obviously ignoring yours.

OK, would it be possible to think of an strategy to sort this rather than resorting to drastic and surprising moves? what about you spending one week researching all your options, help available (for the 3 of you), what would happen and what would not. And once you have a very clear picture of how things could go whatever decission you take, sit with DH to discuss the situation calmly, if he refuses to acknowledge the problem you would have already a planned route to follow. Does it sounds a bit easier?

LoveMyGirls · 17/02/2007 09:35

Why don't you take your ds away for a few days, tell him because of his behaviour you are not staying then go to family/ friends and say you have had a row and you need some space you don't have to tell them the whole story if you don't feel ready.

sazjaz · 17/02/2007 09:35

i think thats good advice

sazjaz · 17/02/2007 09:37

please dont think of leaving ur child .

Original poster
sasa15 · 17/02/2007 09:46

thank you for you advice........
I can't leave work..they are really busy.......!!!

ds is safe with dh...he never touched him once....he's not that aggressive...

he always feel sorry if we argu in front of him....

family will get involved and mum will suffer....she is an old women...!!!!!

I was going to contact his family...
her mother knows but she is taking antidepressant

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/02/2007 09:46

"how do manage....to leave........
how much ds will suffer.......?

I think we can fix it!!!! somehow...

I don't want to leave him!!!"

Sasa,

Your children and you will suffer more if you stay with him. Where d'you think your husband learnt this behaviour from - this behaviour is often learnt. I note that his father did the self same thing to his Mum and the pattern is now being repeated with yourself.

He does not want to fix this - you do and you think you can fix him. Sorry but you cannot. You cannot "fix" this no matter how hard you try because he does not want to.

You saying you don't want to leave him only condemns you and by turn your children further to a life of misery. I hope that for your sake as well as those of your children you find strength within you.

Original poster
sasa15 · 17/02/2007 09:48

do you really think so?
for small slaps and pinch....
mainly holding and pushing hands to each other.........

OP posts:
sazjaz · 17/02/2007 09:49

as chandra said i think u need to find out your options and see where u could go if one day u need to leave suddenly . there must be sites on line that could help

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/02/2007 09:50

Sasa,

"I can't leave work..they are really busy.......!!!"

Sorry but that's an excuse. They will cope without you. No employee is totatlly indispensible.

"ds is safe with dh...he never touched him once....he's not that aggressive..."
Commonly seen with such violent men, the woman bears the brunt of his violence and anger.

"he always feel sorry if we argu in front of him...."
Remorse is short lived with such people, the child seeing this does not stop him arguing and slapping you. He won't stop hitting you for your son or anybody.

"family will get involved and mum will suffer....she is an old women...!!!!!"

Why would your Mum suffer?. Are you frightened of perceived shame this would bring upon your family?.

sazjaz · 17/02/2007 09:51

slaps and pinches lead to worse things iv seen it

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/02/2007 09:52

do you really think so?
for small slaps and pinch....
mainly holding and pushing hands to each other......

Yes I do. Your son will in all likelihood go onto carry out these same sorts of behaviours on his wife/partner if no action is taken.

Children learn about relationships first and foremost from their parents, what are you teaching your children?. That its okay for Mummy to be Daddy's punchbag?. There is no justification whatsoever for abuse.

Original poster
sasa15 · 17/02/2007 09:53

very poor services---here..........but I will try...

he might turn up (I'm at work close to home,ds at nursery) any time to say sorry...
I sent an email to him...with few words that I have from you....!!!

should I call his sister,,,,she is nice girl....but I haven't spoke to her since ages....seems I call only for help!

OP posts:
sazjaz · 17/02/2007 09:54

u need help so call the sister if she can help u

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/02/2007 09:58

yes call the sister.

You need help.

DH will probably be all remorseful and full of apology - till the next time he hits you.

Chandra · 17/02/2007 10:02

I wouldn't call his sister (but having a lunatic SIL I might be biased). Family is family... I think that if you are calling her just for her to to talk to him, offer help, he would be deeply irritated and probably she would not side with you, after all... she is his sister.

Original poster
sasa15 · 17/02/2007 10:14

ok...will see.......
3 times in 8 years for few slaps...is not acceptable?

do I need to divorce him?

OP posts:
sazjaz · 17/02/2007 10:18

iv just looked on net and there are refuges for women in italy . there are phone numbers u can call .

sazjaz · 17/02/2007 10:19

if u need them

Original poster
sasa15 · 17/02/2007 10:23

have you got them....

south Italy is crap!

OP posts:
Original poster
sasa15 · 17/02/2007 10:24

they are horrible places.......
I have a nice flat

OP posts: