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Original poster

Paying for something for his ex

91 replies

Lostandfound1 · 07/12/2016 16:46

AIBU to think that my partner should not be taking out a phone contract for his ex girlfriend ? And paying the bill for her.

We've been together for nearly two years.
They have children yes.
They don't communicate between visits etc so it's not like it's for the kids to remain in contact.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Itsnottheendoftheworld · 08/12/2016 05:55

I'm not sure why there are so many negative comments. I think you are perfectly in your rights to ask this and I would find it strange also given the circumstances you have described.
All you can do is ask him to explain his reasons why. How would he feel if you were paying for your exs phone when you didn't need to?

Idodo · 08/12/2016 06:21

I would say it is one of two reasons. One is that he is very generous and he is doing it out of the goodness of his heart. The other is that he is controlling and doesn't want her to move on and this is a way of knowing what she is up to (a poster upthread suggested he could look at online bills.)

There is no way on earth I would accept my ex paying for my phone contract because that is exactly what he would do.

mrssapphirebright · 08/12/2016 09:37

Hi OP. I have been divorced for 4 years (seperated 5). My exdh still pays for my Phone contract for me. When we were together he had mine, his and our ds on a family perk bundle and the direct debit came out of his account. When we seperated (amicably) he still carried on paying it. When the contract ran out he offered to carry on paying for it for me (its only £12 a month). I offered to take it off his hands but his view was i often end up paying more out for dc (like a pp said, I pay for school photos for us both, cake sale money, school dinners etc) as the dc are with me more in the week.

FYI I earn more than him now and I am re-married. He has now added our dd to his contract and gets a good deal (£50 a month for 4 i-phone contracts). We are very civil and I often do nice stuff for him i.e he was off sick from work with the flu last week, i dropped in a sausage casserole on my way home.

My dh knows exdh pays for my phone and doesn't have a problem with it as he knows we are just civil and help each other out.

mrssapphirebright · 08/12/2016 09:39

I would also add that my exh is not controlling at all. he does not pay for my phone so he can see what i am up to, if he did he would see that I only call my dh, dc and him usually!

Arfarfanarf · 08/12/2016 09:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 08/12/2016 10:10

if he is the contract holder then I presume he can scrutinise the details of the calls and texts she makes.

Ellisandra · 08/12/2016 10:28

mrssapphire you are able to quickly and easily explain a logical reason for your XH paying for your phone.

That's the problem here - OP's boyfriend hasn't told her why.

Yourarejokingme · 08/12/2016 10:53

Do you live together?

I take this comes out of his own money and not a joint account if living together as that's not on. He chose to pay this as previously and yes they are tied but not to give her a 24 month contract on a phone she can get her bloody own.
I read they only communicate through email so why the phone and no real explanation
I'd be asking him that and not being fobbed off
Very odd indeed.

Cuttingthecheese · 08/12/2016 10:59

It's nice to be nice and if this isn't causing him to live in poverty and he wants to, he can. He doesn't need to, but it's nice to keep relations nice. Especially with the mother/father of your children. That's why.

You on the other hand. Jealousy of his ex will get you nowhere. It is what it is. Leave and find yourself a man with no children if you can't handle it.

Desmondo2016 · 08/12/2016 14:15

Well id be pissed right off, so im with you OP.

Graphista · 08/12/2016 14:18

There could be any number of practical/financial reasons why it makes sense for them to do this

Family contract
She's got poor credit (despite earning more it can be the case)
The calendar thing
It's part of the maintenance agreement they have - unusual but could be.

I don't think op and boyfriend are living together/joint finances which would mean definitely not her business. I'm struggling to understand how the boyfriends ex wife's finances would ever be any of her business to be honest.

If you don't like it op you don't have to stay with him and I don't mean that in a flippant way I mean if being in a relationship with someone with a good relationship with their ex for the sake of their dc is too hard to handle then look to be with someone without dc from a previous relationship.

NeeNahh · 08/12/2016 16:51

Of course this is odd. It isn’t necessarily sinister but it isn’t usual. I can’t imagine why anyone would want their ex to have the power to access their itemised phone bills either, no matter how amicable the split is.

I think you should ask him why he does it. It might just be that her credit rating isn’t good enough to get the best deal and I think some providers give a discount for family contracts where there are multiple phones (although I am not sure about this).

If you are to have a future he needs to be open and honest with about his relationship with his ex as she will be a part of your lives because they share children. If you are afraid to ask or he is defensive then I don’t think that that is a good sign.

"You aren't his owner, if you don't like it leave."

That’s not that helpful. You could give that answer to every single thread on here where someone doesn’t like something their partner does, from being messy, to gaslighting to cheating. The real world is less simple.

stealmyhappiness · 15/12/2016 16:21

i would find it weird too, my ex pays the minimum support for our kids , if he wanted to pay my phone bill that would be great Grin however i would expect his current girlfriend to be pissed off, my fiance would not be happy with it either if my ex paid my phone bill. i agree it is another tie that is not needed. not sure why people think you are wrong for thinking like this. yes i have children with my ex but i dont see myself tied to him.

stealmyhappiness · 15/12/2016 16:23

people saying you are jealous are just goading you in my opinion. I would hate it and it would have nothing to do with jealousy, just give an extra £30 a month maintenance instead...

Atenco · 15/12/2016 16:40

I second everything Graphista says.

I would imagine it takes a special kind of person to be in a relationship like this.

LesisMiserable · 15/12/2016 16:41

OP, I'll answer your question.

Because he wants to.

You ok with that or not? Not sure what you can do if you're not but there you go....

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