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Original poster

Paying for something for his ex

91 replies

Lostandfound1 · 07/12/2016 16:46

AIBU to think that my partner should not be taking out a phone contract for his ex girlfriend ? And paying the bill for her.

We've been together for nearly two years.
They have children yes.
They don't communicate between visits etc so it's not like it's for the kids to remain in contact.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Manumission · 07/12/2016 19:21

I think she called US "jumped up" Bubble Grin

TheNaze73 · 07/12/2016 19:25

I think you're being ridiculous OP.

He sounds like a rational man who needs to keep in contact with the mother of his children. You should be applauding that, not having a hissy fit

BubbleGumBubble · 07/12/2016 19:25

I think she called US "jumped up" Bubble grin

Oh oops Blush

Erm I am not jumped up i am just a grown up Wink

TheDramaLlama123 · 07/12/2016 19:26

Genuine question OP, are you a little jealous of them having children together? you haven't said if you have any, just a hunch as its such a little thing to let bother you.

Original poster
Lostandfound1 · 07/12/2016 19:43

I don't expect to come onto a site and be grilled and put down.
I was just asking for opinions not to have people lamenting that he is a father and they have children together.
I am a perfectly capable adult and understand there will be ties - I just do not understand why he needs to pay for her phone bill and buy her a new phone.

She earns more than him etc etc.
People just seem to want to put me down when I'm asking a perfectly reasonable question.

OP posts:
BubbleGumBubble · 07/12/2016 19:45

I was just asking for opinions not to have people lamenting that he is a father and they have children together.

But he his and they have. That is fact Confused

Nobody put you down they just gave their opinion that its not a big deal.

Put your toys back in your pram OP.

BumDNC · 07/12/2016 19:45

My boyfriend pays for all sorts. He feels sorry for her as she doesn't earn much and doesn't want her to go without. He even tries to offer her extra money and stuff she doesn't always take it. It's what makes him a nice person. It makes me fall for him. I wish my ex treated me with half the compassion that these men do. It kind of makes me feel half jealous Half proud.

StopLaughingDrRoss · 07/12/2016 19:46

You've had lots of responses saying that it is weird - the opposite view certainly don't vastly outnumber them.

I think it's odd but not unheard of. I won't repeat the 'they have DC' stuff but it's a relatively minor thing and if it bothers you that much, either have it out with him and explain to him what your problem is or find someone else to be with.

Atenco · 07/12/2016 19:46

I don't think mumsnet removes every thread that the OP doesn't like the replies to.

I do think you need to get yourself a man who doesn't already have children with someone else, if the phone upsets you so much.

2became3 · 07/12/2016 19:50

Sorry but this doesn't sit right with me.

Yes, I personally would prefer him to pay £20/30 in maintenance extra instead of a contract.

You do know you can spend silly money doing things on phones, don't you? 'This Morning' and 'Lose women' competitions come to mind a lot - not to mention adding on data etc

BubbleGumBubble · 07/12/2016 19:56

I would imagine she is using the phone appropriatly considering he has decided to pay for another contract 2became

KatelovesJames · 07/12/2016 20:33

Honestly, you're only going to know his motives if you're honest with him and try explain exactly what it is you're uncomfortable with.

She makes more money than him - erm, wtf has that got to do with you? I would hate to think exh's future woman thinks they can comment on my finances because, quite frankly, that's nothing to do with you. My finances are my concern and not exh's unless it may pose a problem for dad. (I left my ex btw, no scorned exwife hating on the new here).

. If you're in a relationship where finances become combined it still has nothing to do with you what his ex earns. His finances, fine. The bare minimum for maintenance is nothing though. Having an idea of a salary doesn't mean you have any idea of the individuals circumstance.

Talk to him. That's all you can do

Lelloteddy · 07/12/2016 20:34

He sounds like a mature, responsible supportive dad who is keen to maintain a good co parenting relationship with the mother of his kids.

RUM2 · 07/12/2016 20:45

As I've said OP. It's odd. Get rid of him. Find a bloke without kids. You will save yourself a lot of mither. I speak from experience!

HappyJanuary · 07/12/2016 21:05

OP, if she earns plenty and doesn't need to communicate with him about the children, there's really only a handful of reasons that make sense isn't there?

He likes buying her things. He enjoys being generous. He likes having this tie to her. They are obviously communicating more than you think, certainly about the phone contract if nothing else. He doesn't hate buying it, he likes it but previously pretended to hate it for your benefit. You asked and he got defensive because he can't justify it.

BaDumShh · 07/12/2016 21:11

OP, I completely agree with you that it's very weird and for the reasons you have outlined (several times!) there is no good reason for him to still be paying for this. I don't know why you're getting such a hard time.

It never ceases to amaze me how many MNers still seem to think it's a man's responsibility to pay for a woman's shit. Welcome to 2016...Hmm

KatelovesJames · 07/12/2016 21:25

It doesn't seem like the op knows exactly why he's doing this though. Nothing to do with men paying for things (I was the higher earner in my marriage) but there's obviously a reason he's happy to do it for the mother of his dc. The ex's salary are irrelevant tbh, certainly when it comes to the op.

2became3 · 07/12/2016 22:38

Bubble and what if that doesn't continue?

Why would you pay for a contract for your ex? Children or not, he could've bought her a Nokia for emergencies/necessary contact.

BubbleGumBubble · 07/12/2016 22:49

Then he will foot the bill.
He knows the risks but has chosen to do it anyway.
You are making alot of assuptions 2 do you know the ex?

Ellisandra · 07/12/2016 23:13

Well, I think it's a weird thing to be doing. Yes it's nice. It would also be nice if he took out a contract for the man next door Hmm But he won't because generally people don't do that. Just as they don't buy their exes phones. OK maybe he is just nice - but I'm surprised more people aren't saying it's weird. Not necessarily bad, but weird.

But what would put me right off this man is that OP has asked him why, and has:

  • done an about turn from previously
  • fobbed her off without a proper answer
  • left her confused enough about why that she's resorted to internet opinions

If your boyfriend cares about you, he doesn't leave you in that state of confusion and discomfort.

Whether or not you think the phone is weird or not, I think his lack of explanation is enough to question the quality of the relationship.

If we're throwing in guesses as to why he's buying the phone, here are mine:

  • they use iPhone calendar and she wouldn't buy an iPhone herself and he wants to keep using that calendar
  • he wants her to perceive him as nice, reasonable, friendly (and that could be for 100 reasons from his own self esteem, to trying to get her back, to feeling guilty about the split, to showing off to others that he pays it)
  • he likes getting the online bills and knowing who she is contacting and for how long
SandyY2K · 07/12/2016 23:27

I would be curious in your shoes too,,but they have clearly discussed him continuing to pay for it and agreed to keep it that way. He obviously hasn't let you know why and on a simple level I guess it's because, he's not strapped for cash and he's happy to help her out.

Perhaps he wants to be able to contact her in an emergency, should one crop up.
Even if that hasn't happened as yet.

As far as contact between visits ... they don't have any that you are aware of., but they actually could be communicating on other non child related matters.

Cricrichan · 07/12/2016 23:43

I find it weird too. I don't see why she can't take out her own contract like every other adult in the world.

Montane50 · 08/12/2016 00:35

It would definitely make me feel a bit Confused, i agree they have a permanent tie because of the dc, but thats where it would end for me? If it benefits them and its a safety issue then hes being responsible, anything else and its unnecessary. If i were the ex? I wouldn't accept the phone anyway-id stand on my own two feet

whattodowiththepoo · 08/12/2016 01:46

You aren't his owner, if you don't like it leave.

whatminniedidnext · 08/12/2016 05:28

I think he sounds generous and utterly lovely. I wish he was my ex. He may be a little bit of a soft touch, and prone to getting walked all over as a result but I think it is sweet that he gives so much for his DC and also the mother of his DC when a lot of men don't and are spiteful / mean towards them.

I actually think he sounds like a keeper. Yes, the set up is strange but you don't know her financial situation and a mobile phone is important for contact re: DC. If she is out she won't be able to talk on the land line and a phone would enable her to answer DC related calls and texts / emails whilst out and about.

The real issue here is not the phone, it is one of communication between the two of you. The fact you have asked him about this and are seemingly unhappy with his vague response makes me wonder if you questioned him a little more forcefully than you needed to and got his back up. Ultimately it is his DC and his decision. You seem to be unnecessarily defensive in some of your replies.

I think you need to accept the set up or maybe think about ending this relationship, if his ongoing generosity towards his DC is not making you happy x