I think I've gone and done it - told the sod to fuck right off

[ExpatTrailingSpouse]

Nervewracked - just lost my cool and told him to fuck right off. Have collected necessary documents and passports, ds birth certificate and locked myself in ds room. Stupid to do it in middle of night but when I lose it I lose it big time.

His idea of trying to make up to me that he had an affair (emotional and probably physical, who even cares) for over a year, missing our ds 2nd birthday and so on is that:
a) my life has changed so much since I found out which I should be grateful for - by this he means he sort of does a share of the parenting and I'm no longer doing 24/7 for ds as I was before I found out about the affair and that ds now goes to preschool (which company pays for since we're on expat assignment).
B) he "pays" for everything, so I should be happy I get to go on trips to see my family - aside from the fact I gave up my phd and moved away from all my friends and half my family to follow his career that he insisted he wanted to the US where I never wanted to live in the first place but I should feel fucking grateful he "pays" for me to see my family. and that if we didn't move to the states I would have my own fucking income.

Thanks for listening. Needed to rant - so much more I could say. Sitting here shaking while ds sleeps. Gonna be a long night.

I'm sorry, I'm only just catching up. I'll dig out my divorce papers in the morning and let you know what was written.

math - appreciate the input. H is not a us citizen and is miles away from getting a green card. I'm not sure those provisions apply to us. Wrt the insurance stuff - H could also be the H in the "incompetent husbands" thread - I can well believe he literally just forgot. We do have regular medical insurance, it was just the dental and vision he forgot to add so that's something. I'd have been a lot more pissed if he'd forgotten about the main plan.

Not sure what he's doing with the money, so far he's moved most of it into a joint account that we don't use.... Perhaps he is opening an individual. It doesn't bother me too much as my half is tucked away should I need it in emergency.

Also my work authorization has finally been approved, altho only good til visa expires. So job hunt is on on Monday. Have my eye on a few which I like to think I have a good chance at.

Need a lot of patience at the moment. DS (3yr old) really into Xmas decorations etc this year. Told his dad he wanted to get a wreath and lights for outside. I have zero interest in this stuff at the moment - tree is enough for me. DS didn't want to go shops to choose decorations right away yesterday morning so H decided to go by himself. Comes back with stuff, then stomped off and had a massive loud cry complete with banging on the floor, as I refused to give him any attention and couldn't care less about the wreath he picked out. "But I care what you think!" Um, no you should care what your DS thinks since he's the one who asked for it. I don't do emotional manipulation, it just pisses me off worse. Need to keep reminding myself he will get what's coming to him.

Be very careful. A physical display like that - loud crying, banging on the floor - is a loosening of inhibition that could be the precursor of further physical displays, possibly including displays of rage.

Theatrical emotional displays and physicality are designed to communicate physical dominance.

So glad you now have permission to work, ExPat.

Expat, it's under the custody and visitation section of the agreement and says
"The parties shall have joint legal custody of the unemancipated child of the child, with physical custody being with the mother subject, however, to the rights of visitation of the father as set forth st the foot of this Article. Despite the forgoing, it is expressly agreed that the mother shall be entitled to relocate the child to the U.K., without obtaining the permission of the father, or any court of competent jurisdiction to do so. However, the mother shall provide the father ninety days prior written notice of her intent to relocate the child"
I hope this helps. When I got legal advice I was told that you can have anything written into the agreement as long as both parties agree to it. It took me a long time to get him to agree.

math - i appreciate the thought but am not at all concerned about that type of issue. He ought to know by now I don't go for the overtheatric, omg i'm crying every night kind of stuff by now, especially as he's been directly told. also, he ought to know the instant he crossed the line i'd be calling the police.

stuck - yes, i'm afraid it will take a while to get him to agree.

on the other hand, he's some kind of idiot... he's currently in the final recruitment stages for his "dream" job. two things here - a) integrity is the number 2 requirement for candidates (HAHAHAHAHA) and b) he needs to have security clearance. before things really went to shit, i asked my mother if she was ok with him putting her details down for the security clearance and she said absolutely not - i don't mess around with this, as my dm is intensely private and we have had major major falling outs over this type of stuff. anyway, he's hassling me in the car last night about how i should just give him all the info anyway, even though i clearly told him weeks ago she'd already said no, and he's like, "this is embarrassing for me" and "doesn't your DM know what this is for?". um, first, i don't give a fuck, and second, she doesn't give a fuck (not even knowing about OW yet!), and third, why the fuck would he think i would help him now? and fourth, if after 11 years together and 6 married, you don't know your mil's name and dob...

i think this is partly why he's backed off a bit and trying to be super nice, as it might have just got through to his thick skull that he needs me to save his chances at this job. to say nothing of what will happen if we go to court.

don't know if that was all just rambling, but so lovely getting it off my chest. and to top it off, i've picked up a lovely stomach bug.

stuck - thanks again. i got some good legal info yesterday.

lots of plans being roughed out and finally thinking of myself and DS first... why did i let it get this far? argh, hindsight and all that.

we should all live by this:

“The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.” (Maya Angelou)

I'm glad you were able to get some good advise.
I'll admit that the four years it took to finalise my divorce were far from easy but it does get better.
Putting you and your DS first is the most important thing. Not just short term but what's best for both of you long term. (This is why I fought so hard to be able to move home).
Oddly, after four years of fighting to be able to leave I'm now here because I want to be and am in no rush to leave.

stuck - so you decided to stay in the US? If I already had a green card and the option to stay permanently and work in the US none of this would be as stressful for me at all.

stuck - so you decided to stay in the US? If I already had a green card and the option to stay permanently and work in the US none of this would be as stressful for me at all.

For the moment at least.
Two years ago we were all set to move back. Had tickets booked and everything. But my divorce wasn't finalised and so I decided to stay. I'm probably happier here now that I've been the whole time I've lived here. I'm still not completely settled but I'm not looking to move.

I was company sponsored when I came out here, exh is American. Although I needed him to get my green card after I stopped working to have DS, I waited until I had had my green card long enough to apply for citizenship on my own. Even though I was planning on moving back I felt it important to get citizenship so that I could come and go with minimal problems. I would, after all, be making regular trips back to the US.

Finding companies to sponsor you isn't easy but is it something that may be an option for you?

okay, so you were in a stronger position than i'm in now. he is the work sponsored one. theoretically i could try and get my own sponsorship, but i'm not sure how easy that will be due to the long career break. if i could see him being reasonable i'd be willing to wait it out here, but i can't see that happening - it's all about what he wants all the time.

just had a shitty day working out different scenarios of how this could go, and none are great in any way.

Update - so conflicting legal views between the two countries so waiting to see how that pans out. And ... Looks like green card is probably a go through his work but haven't got an idea yet on timeframe. So now a little bit of a waiting game.

What do you all think - worth it to wait for the green card or not?

What are the conflicting views? (Assuming you are talking legal advice here?)

If you can stick out the wait it will give you some extra flexibility. From what I remember I think it took about 6 months from the time I applied to actually getting it. Immigration is a slow process.

I'm not sure if it's the same for all green cards but my first one was only good for two years. The second one was good for 10 I think.

Is his job here on a set time contract or will he be able to stay here indefinitely?

math - I don't want to get into too much detail but basically the other country lawyer thinks I could get away with getting away a certain way while the us lawyer thinks that this jurisdiction may have a problem with it. So they are going to talk together and I am going to wait a bit - good chance I will have to do it completely above board and go to court here which I was trying to avoid.

stuck - I was trying to read the processing times for our area and it might be 9-12 months. He will be a permanent local employee...

Also there is the complication of the other application process he is in - if he was selected as a final candidate he would take it for sure. Which would throw me back into the unknown. And that process would be within the next 8 months also.

I have a strong suspicion that the law of the jurisdiction you are residing in is the law that applies.

math - yes. I was trying to find a way to establish residency elsewhere and that's what the two lawyers don't agree on.

I think the only way you'll be able to establish residency elsewhere is if he agrees to it (regardless of what the lawyers think). When I sort legal advice I was told it was unlikely I'd be able to leave but i still managed to get it. NY law also says neither of us can move more than 30(ish) miles from where we were living but I don't have that written into the agreement at all which means either of us can move away.

stuck - so the bone of contention is that even with permission the jurisdiction here could potentially still override it if it hasn't been a significant amount of time. Basically the idea that nothing can circumvent a court order.

You are at the mercy of how insistent your H wants to be wrt custody and visitation/contact with your DS. If he wants to dig in and petition for what he is entitled to, and it doesn't matter if his motivation is vindictiveness against you, then you are screwed.

math - that's about it in a nutshell. Horribly stressful so I'm putting off action until after Christmas. No point spoiling DS' day. Gathering lots of follow up legal questions to send off. That's about all I can do right now.

In the event that DH getting a GreenCard is going to worsen your situation, couldn't you have a 'word' with his boss and tell him/her the truth.

It's playing dirty but he started it. Self preservation and all that.

Expat what a shitty situation. I'm so sorry.
And to think you gave up a really high level qualification and potential career for this arsehole and this is how he repays you.

I had heard that quote before (didn't realise it was Maya Angelou).

Really hope this can be unpicked and you can get back to the UK with him. Surely it helps that he has a UK passport?