My wedding is breaking me

[pandarific]

I've posted about my family situation before. Now I am getting married - I got engaged 3 weeks ago. Yay! Or not yay.

I am really struggling with my mum and my in laws to the extent that for the second night in a week I am awake in the middle of the night with a knot in my stomach.

We don't have much money at the moment and with aiming to try for a baby from early next year we want to get married early next year. We are also trying to finish the renovations to our flat and want to apply to build an extension.

My mum will not leave me alone, she keeps pressuring me to not have it in a marquee, spend lots more money on it than I can. She gave us 1k toward it when she visited, which is fine, and my dad has said he will match it and despite in laws also pressuring us into accepting 5k we have said 2 is maximum - nice you want to contribute etc but no way are we taking that off anyone. This way it's all even Stevens and everyone if they insist gets to contribute.

But my mum won't stop pressuring me - saying 'I'll have 5k for you by then, I'm saving' and linking me to and texting me about venues that are just way out of my price range and other shitty things. She said the concept of us getting the booze in and a box behind the bar which people could contribute to if they wished was embarrassing - 'I would be mortified and so would your dad'. FFS.

I HAVE to invite old neighbours, friends of hers. Why, I ask? Because she was invited to all their children's weddings. FFS 2.

She wants me to keep my plans private - she 'doesn't want people laughing behind our backs that you're looking for a field'. Because I posted (under a filter for only close friends, my sister must have been on it and told her) on Facebook that I was looking to hire a marquee site.

This one has made me really angry with her, and it's really hurt me too. She treats me like an absolute idiot and gives me no credit at all. When she was having dinner with my fiancés parents she went on about what a weird kid I was and how I got bullied at school - she honestly is so obsessed with the idea that because I want a relaxed, non-hotel alternative wedding that I am going to horribly embarrass her in front of her friends. Who of course MUST come.

She told me that because 'people' will be giving (what people? My friends are not that wealthy) at least 200e pp as a wedding gift 'they expect' a nice standard. FFS3.

She told me and my fiancé in front of inlaws that we needed to go on a diet. FFS4.

We just want a big relaxed party with good food and booze and everyone we like there, so guest list is big, but it's doable.

But she's making me feel like shit about it and it's really getting me down, particularly as I've been killing myself finding venues within our very tight parameters. It's already stressful enough, I just don't need the emotional blackmail.

I won't be telling her shit about the wedding from now and ive blocked her and my sister to stop me reading the text messages. I'm just really upset.

Oh and apparently I need to ring the ILs tomorrow to tell them we won't accept their 5k because they won't listen to OH. It just feels like nobody is listening to me and no one respects me and it's making me want to scream and cry at the same time. I am not calling anyone - OH needs to stand up to his parents too because this is ridiculous.3

Elope.

You won't regret it.

Then come back and have a huge party.

I think I'd be inclined to give everyone back their money, get married in a registry office and then hold your party in exactly the way you want. If it's not labelled as a wedding then it will be much cheaper and you get to invite whoever you want (and not your parents or ILs if you'd have more fun without them). Maybe use the money you would otherwise spend on a wedding on your extension and have the party in your bigger home?

I got married in July and several things happened that I didn't want and I'll always regret them. YOUR wedding, YIUR choices and I think your plans sounds great. Your mum is a twunt who wants to use your day to show off. It's about you and your fiancé, ignore her and offer her money back saying she's not buying the wedding she wants as it's about what you want

Oh you poor thing. Don't ask your mum any questions, don't invite her opinion. I know it's tough but try and assert yourself and she'll back off. She acts like this because she thinks she can get away with it. Try and stay strong!

And for what it's worth your wedding plans sound fab. Big knees up in a marquee is always far preferable to a hotel do imho.

Wow this needs nipped in the bud asap!

Your fiancé needs to pull his weight in dealing with awkward/demanding future in-laws before you even THINK of setting a date or paying out deposits because frankly that's a long term marital issue if he won't support you.

As for your own mum, my advice would be to take her out for coffee and as politely but firmly as possible tell her enough is enough and to butt out. Returning the money she's given if she's going to hold it over you.

It's your (you and fiances) wedding. What you have planned by the sound of it may not be 'village church' traditional but it's not that out there either.

Is your mum always this overbearing? Is your sister the favourite?

You need boundaries and fast, their behaviour will seep into your marriage in the future. Hand the money back and elope. I've heard it said so many times by friends who got married that if they could turn back time they'd do it differently. Nothing like a wedding to make normal people turn into complete arses. Don't think your troubles end here. Parents who can be this much of a pita over a wedding, will be exactly the same when kids come along. Firm boundaries up front are what's needed. Don't be blackmailed.

Give the money back and plan the wedding you want.

I'm sorry OP, I also ended up stressed over my wedding because of other peoples expectations...'you're grandad will expect this'....'Aunty so and so will be mortified if you don't invite her step children'. In the end I did as I pleased, rode out the whining and had a brilliant day.

My advice would be not to accept any money from anyone at all if you can. Do it on YOUR budget even if your budget is very small.

I went to a perfect wedding in my home city recently, they got married at the registry office early afternoon, we went for a lovely vegetarian afternoon tea and then for those that wanted to make more of it, they hired out a room in one of the nice club/bars in town, and partied away. It cost a couple of grand and it was all kinds of perfect.

You can only have what you want, with NO conditions attached, if you pay for it yourself. This is what I had to do (although 1500 pounds went on a 0% credit card to make sure everyone had wine!)

This is only going to get worse. I can see where your mother is coming from, a lot of her friends children probably had these weddings that she attended and she doesn't want yo let them down now.
But, do you know what? nothing you do is going to be up to her standard because she is trying to please people you don't care about. Even if you completely bend over backwards, even if you get into debt and worry yourself sick, she still won't be 100% happy because you are very different people and your visions of a wedding are completely different.

You need to put the brakes on. Tell everyone you are not discussing weddings until 2018. And don't. Walk away if they bring it up. Keep repeating, "wedding plans are off the table until 2018"

Take your time and decide what you and your partner want and go with that then. Do not try to please your mother, you can't.

Good luck.

Your wedding sounds lovely (and similar to mine ). Just keep making your plans and saying, "We prefer X to Y".

Are you Irish?

No wonder you're feeling so under pressure. It's very unfair for her to manipulate this into something you clearly don't want. She's able to do this, legitimately in her eyes, because she's contributing financially. The old concept of having a say on how her money is spent. It renders the money into an investment rather than merely a gift.

The only thing I can suggest is that the you return the money and press on as you and your partner want. I think you'd regret it otherwise.

As for the awful things she is saying to and about you ..... it's horrible, nasty and unnecessary. I suspect it's part of wanting you to think you still need her. To keep you in you place and organising the sort of wedding she wants. Stand firm however difficult.

If you can't talk with your mum without her talking over/arguing/ignoring you then why not put it in writing? Feck it. Send it to all the feckers.

Dear mum.

Thank you for your offer of £1k towards our wedding. DFiance and I have thought carefully and have decided not to accept your generous offer. Or indeed, any other offers of money from family. The wedding that DFiance and I have will be a reflection of us as individuals. I am so so sorry that our plans and ideas have you "mortified" but your disgust won't change us as individuals.

I do understand that numbers of your friends and neighbour's have had grand "typical" hotel weddings that you aspire to and that you want my wedding to reflect your values. However these are your aspirations, not mine. This wedding is for DFiance and I. You have had your turn and I ask that you please respect that this is now mine.

DFiance and I cannot and will not tailor our wedding to meet other's expectations both those of auntie xxxxx, your neighbours and also you. I love you but I don't feel that you respect me as an independent adult.

Please understand that I would like to have you involved in my wedding planning but now feel as though I cannot without you imposing your will on me with no regard for my feelings or opinion.

If DFiance and I choose to elope and then have a party in the local pub then I would hope for your support because the most important aspect of this all is that DFiance and I are getting married. I am not saying that is what we are planning on doing but it is our decision. Not yours. With all the love and respect in the world, you have had your wedding. Please let me have mine.

Love
OP

If your in laws won't accept the money back ask them to keep hold of it for now and deposit it into a savings account for your child when they are born instead.

Did she really go to ALOT of her friends' childrens' weddings??

Go quietly and get married somewhere then have a party for all. As I'm not sure that the 5 K will cover everything for a wedding for a lot of rellies and friends (it's the food and booze which is the cost mainly). Have you checked out costs at all?

Give the money back and go abroad and get married, just the two of you. Someplace like Antigua.

If you accept the money then you need to accept that sadly it comes with strings attached.

I know an awesome alternative wedding venue in Devon that was just perfect for us. It'll piss off your parents royally but sounds like it's just what you need!! Feel free to pm if you want details

Give the money back and tell them its your wedding and you will invite who you want and have it where you want.

Tell them the wedding is off because you can't cope with their pressure and interfering. I bet she'd be more mortified by that. She may then just be grateful you are getting married and having a wedding and won't care of your plans. From what you've posted about her, she'll not want to lose face infront of people by saying it's off. She certainly wouldn't want to tell people the reason.

I used to be a wedding planner, this isn't unusual! Most people think planning a wedding is this fantasy adventure full of joyous moments, heartfelt laughter and happy tears whilst bonding with close family and friends...it's a lot more stressful and often the first time people become aware of the different expectations parents, siblings and partners have. Wait until you start with the seating plan and who should be on which table and close to the top table :)

Firstly, allowing your parents to cover some of the wedding costs often makes them feel they have a say in how the money is spent. If you can either politely but firmly refuse their money, something along the lines of 'Thank you, we really appreciate it but we want to pay for it ourselves' or if parents are insisting again be firm and tell them you really appreciate their help and you hope they understand you will both continue to plan the wedding you want.

I have a friend whose dad has offered £30k towards her wedding! But it's on condition they are able to invite their friends and family members they want there, my friend has said no.

Start as you mean to go on, plan the wedding you want! You can't please everyone.

The most fun weddings I have been to over the years have been in marquees.

She's trying to make it all about her. So what if her friends have their noses put out of joint by your not inviting them - see what I did there?

It is your wedding, you don't know these people & if they don't come then they can't possibly be horrified by attending a wedding in a marquee in a field

As long as you accept their money, people will feel they can have a say and you will worry about saying no to their ideas.

I would sit down with your DP and make the plans for the wedding exactly as you both want them. Then put this in writing and say to your families 'This is what we will be doing for our wedding. We don't expect financial contributions from you especially as we know our plans don't meet your expectations.'

Return any money you have been given from people who are expecting you to spend it in a certain way. Only accept money that is a genuine gift to be spent as you see fit.

This happened to my friend not so long ago OP, Not her mu but her overbearing in laws.

She had chosen a lovely venue in a huge park in our city, had a marquee at the back for the evening entertainment, I was bridesmaid and so looking forward to it, but once in laws got a sniff of it they demanded they change their venue to an upmarket boutique hotel in the centre of town, why? - Because they had family coming over from ireland and wanted to show off. I can hand on heart say it was the worst wedding i've been to, there was no atmosphere, we were stuck in a tiny cramped room for our meals with fabulous views that you couldn't even see as it was dark, then we were shuffled downstairs to the basement for a nightclub type setting. It was awful, and worse still my friend didn't really enjoy it herself.

The point i'm trying to make is that now they are moving house and have the input again from the in laws, all because her dp is a total dick who wont stand up to his mum and dad and will just leach of my friend as he does not work, so basically gets to say where they live but contributes nothing at all. Dont be like her.

have the wedding you want, now is the time to put your foot down, if you let this go I guarantee that they will all be there in the future sticking their beaks in where they deem necessary... choosing children's names, choosing schools. stop it now.

And fwiw I never plan on getting married but if i did, i'd do it your way too, marquee sounds fab! Been to a few weddings in a marquee and never had a bad time, everyone is up drinking and dancing and having a really lovely time.

Plan the wedding you want and hand all money back to your mother and his parents. Honestly I would go abroad to get married.

What is the situation re your fiancé and his parents; why have you got to phone them to hand back their 5K because they will not listen to him?. If your fiancé cannot stand up to his parents then you have a fiancé problem as well.

You do realise of course that these problems with your mother and inlaws will simply ramp up further after you have got married. They will try and use your child against you and tell you how to parent.

Re this comment:-

"We don't have much money at the moment and with aiming to try for a baby from early next year we want to get married early next year. We are also trying to finish the renovations to our flat and want to apply to build an extension".

Where is the money for all that going to come from?. The two of you could well end up flat broke. Some of the pressure you are putting on yourselves can be allayed; I would for instance put the extension on hold.