My wedding is breaking me

[pandarific]

I've posted about my family situation before. Now I am getting married - I got engaged 3 weeks ago. Yay! Or not yay.

I am really struggling with my mum and my in laws to the extent that for the second night in a week I am awake in the middle of the night with a knot in my stomach.

We don't have much money at the moment and with aiming to try for a baby from early next year we want to get married early next year. We are also trying to finish the renovations to our flat and want to apply to build an extension.

My mum will not leave me alone, she keeps pressuring me to not have it in a marquee, spend lots more money on it than I can. She gave us 1k toward it when she visited, which is fine, and my dad has said he will match it and despite in laws also pressuring us into accepting 5k we have said 2 is maximum - nice you want to contribute etc but no way are we taking that off anyone. This way it's all even Stevens and everyone if they insist gets to contribute.

But my mum won't stop pressuring me - saying 'I'll have 5k for you by then, I'm saving' and linking me to and texting me about venues that are just way out of my price range and other shitty things. She said the concept of us getting the booze in and a box behind the bar which people could contribute to if they wished was embarrassing - 'I would be mortified and so would your dad'. FFS.

I HAVE to invite old neighbours, friends of hers. Why, I ask? Because she was invited to all their children's weddings. FFS 2.

She wants me to keep my plans private - she 'doesn't want people laughing behind our backs that you're looking for a field'. Because I posted (under a filter for only close friends, my sister must have been on it and told her) on Facebook that I was looking to hire a marquee site.

This one has made me really angry with her, and it's really hurt me too. She treats me like an absolute idiot and gives me no credit at all. When she was having dinner with my fiancés parents she went on about what a weird kid I was and how I got bullied at school - she honestly is so obsessed with the idea that because I want a relaxed, non-hotel alternative wedding that I am going to horribly embarrass her in front of her friends. Who of course MUST come.

She told me that because 'people' will be giving (what people? My friends are not that wealthy) at least 200e pp as a wedding gift 'they expect' a nice standard. FFS3.

She told me and my fiancé in front of inlaws that we needed to go on a diet. FFS4.

We just want a big relaxed party with good food and booze and everyone we like there, so guest list is big, but it's doable.

But she's making me feel like shit about it and it's really getting me down, particularly as I've been killing myself finding venues within our very tight parameters. It's already stressful enough, I just don't need the emotional blackmail.

I won't be telling her shit about the wedding from now and ive blocked her and my sister to stop me reading the text messages. I'm just really upset.

Oh and apparently I need to ring the ILs tomorrow to tell them we won't accept their 5k because they won't listen to OH. It just feels like nobody is listening to me and no one respects me and it's making me want to scream and cry at the same time. I am not calling anyone - OH needs to stand up to his parents too because this is ridiculous.3

I had similar from dm when me and DH planned our wedding. She had people we 'needed' to invite (uncle we never see / her friends etc) and she said our plans were embarrassing because we weren't doing a hotel wedding either (nothing controversial- married in a beautiful but very small castle then a social club reception).
In the end I became quite rude, every time she mentioned it I told her to be quiet because I didn't care about her opinion. My parents also contributed money but I said I'd give it back if she felt that gave her a say in what happened. That and putting a lot of distance between us in the run up helped.

WRT you in laws - are you turning down their money because they are similarly demanding or just because you want it to be even? If it's that they're demanding, your DP needs to step up now. If not, I would take it and potentially tell your dm you don't want her money and see if that helps?

I would give back all the money, get married in the registers quietly and privately then hold a party in a pub at a let date for minimal costs. Then you can focus on finishing your renovations. My advice would be to get all that in order before trying for a baby just so your finances and your home are all sorted before there is a baby on the way. It is your life. You can do it your way.

Gosh, I'm not surprised you're anxious! What a load of pressure,

First things first: take back control. Give the money back. Scrap all your plans so far, and start again with what YOU actually want and what fits in your budget. If that's a registry office wedding and a small reception in the top of the pub with people you really care for, then that can be absolutely lovely. Some of the nicest weddings I've been to have been like that.

Secondly, get everything set up and don't tell your Mum or your in laws until a week beforehand, which is plenty of time for them to organise everything she needs to do. Make it clear that this is your day, your way. (DH and I invited the inlaws up for what they thought was a routine visit- so we knew they were free that weekend - then sprang it on them a week in advance. Part of the reason was that they were insisting on dragging gravely ill GFIL to be present 'as a family', despite the fact that he had just had a bad stroke and wasn't nearly well enough to travel for 5 hours in a car and genuinely didn't want to come for that reason - we talked about this extensively with him. It would have been awful, painful and humiliating for him. We arranged with him that we'd see him straight after instead).

Thirdly, I know everyone says it and it's a total cliche, but a wedding is JUST A DAY. It's your marriage that matters. Sometimes there is a trade-off between those things. My wedding wasn't what I wanted or had dreamed of, but it was what was practically achievable given the people we had and the circumstances - and I'm very, very happy to be married.

We didn't invite anyone we didn't want to, and I turned money down from mil because I knew it meant inviting people Dh has never got on with.

Give money back. Go to the Registry House and apply to marry in a fortnight. When you do, ask about witnesses for those who elope. Buy rings. Get married. Tell everyone after you've married.

Give the money back.

Work out what kind of wedding YOU want, and the budget you need.

Adjust your timing until you can afford it.

And if your fiancé is not 100% supportive and active in giving this message to both sets of parents - do not marry him.

My dd had her reception in a marquee with smallish contributions from us and the inlaw. The marquee was in a field belonging to friends , a short walk from the church.Her dress came from Monsoon, the food was a Mediterranean buffet on lazy susans on the tables. People still say it was one of the loveliest weddings they had been to.

Yes do it your way!

I must point out though that we got married in a marquee and it didn't work out any cheaper than a hotel wedding. Your better off hiring a hall.

Your wedding, your choice.

Weddings are stressful to start off with - you candy without being micro-managed by over-invested parents.

We paid for our own wedding (neither set of parents thought we should be getting married and didn't contribute/get a present - anything ), and although it was a small wedding it was lovely - just what we wanted and 38 years later we're still together and still happy,

Do what YOU want and if necessary, as others have said - elope!

Elope.
Seriously.
Wish I had.

It's your day OP. It's essentially two people making a commitment to each other. Sometimes that part gets swamped.

So many expectations coming from different directions. Pressure and stress that you don't need.

Elope! Have a special day that's only about you and your partner. Come back refreshed and then start planing the family celebration. Yes, it will P people off? I'm sure they'll get over it...

Congratulations on your engagement OP xx

Thanks everyone. You have made me feel much better.

To the poster that asked, yes I am Irish. We live in the uk, will ge getting married in Ireland, will have people coming from abroad.

We would elope if it's what we wanted, but we want a big party with all our favourite people, and I would like to get married with them too, wear the pretty white dress etc, so that part is all us and not my mum/in laws.

Fiancé has been told to speak to his parents himself, have suggested to him that they bank the other 3k for 1st grandchild. He has said he also doesn't want to accept the money, but I'm sure if I said yes he would. In laws are not being controlling as such, but it is pissing me off that they are ignoring him when he says no.

On who's going to pay for the extension/kid - well, us over the next couple of years, which is why I did not want to get into debt for what is essentially a very nice party.

I have actually worked bloody hard to find some venues that will work for us but I really would love a marquee - I know they don't necessarily work out cheaper but that's okay.

So eloping is out - don't want that.

Can you actually afford the wedding you want without any of their money?

If so, just return it, all of it. Taking any of it makes them think you are beholden to them.

If you can't, then maybe you need to retrench to a position where you can.

Weddings are really stressful and for some reason make even very chilled and relaxed parents go a bit loopy. Mine were outraged that we were planning to cater ours ourselves, and there were tears and tantrums ( on both sides). The best advice I got given was don't ask for anyone's opinion. Present every decision as a done deal (sometimes that means only telling people what we were doing after we'd put deposits down). It's a lot harder for someone to criticise what you choose when they can't change the outcome (and would make them seem very mean spirited). Try and see it from your mum's position as well. She wants you to have a perfect wedding, the problem is is her definition of perfect is different to yours. My parents used the whole 'people will expect to see etc.' but looking back I think they just said it to shore up their 'get a caterer' argument. Maybe give them a specific job (favours/ flowers etc) and let them be the boss of that bit. I can't count the times I wanted to chuck it all in and elope. I had about 5 friends getting married in the same year and every one of them had this issue tp a greater of lesser degree and lost sleep over wedding plans. Be reassured after your wedding your parents will be telling all their friends how clever you were to have it in a marquee, how beautiful it was, how much nicer it was than a hotel. I'd put money on that. Also, do let your parents invite a handful of their friends. Looking back over our wedding pics its the ones of aunty so and so from next door giggling and looking tipsy that I find really moving for some reason.

"In laws are not being controlling as such, but it is pissing me off that they are ignoring him when he says no".

They are being controlling if they keep on disrespecting his not wanting to take their money. This is money not given without a shedload of obligation attached to it. They still see him as a child and thus incapable, not an adult in his own right. I would not take a penny of their cash let alone banking the other 3k for their first grandchild; they will simply use it as a stick to beat you with.

Have the wedding day you both want with an affordable budget and importantly without any funds from both sets of parents.

I'd have an almighty row with her, storm off in a huff and tell her to butt out.
Sorted!

Go and get married in secret. Just you register office.

Then come home and announce you are married. take wind out of her sails etc.

THEN announce that everyone is invited to a big boozy party at x pub to celebrate you wedding. Then have exactly the wedding you want, food and booze and friends.

Oh and tell mum none of her friends are invited as it isn't your wedding.

sorry - in x place in a marquee - wear a pretty white dress!

It's YOUR wedding, yours and your partner's. The both of you should do what you want, otherwise you'll regret it and resent it.
I would (we did) refuse any money from family. Once they contribute, they feel like they have a say in how the day is planned and who is invited. They don't. (and didn't). They got over it.
We had our reception in a marquee in a friend's garden. We had a small number of guests and did everything ourselves to keep costs down. It was simple, but awesome, we had the best day ever.
It's difficult not to get swept up in the whirlwind of wedding planning, but remember what this is all about.
It's about you and your partner pledging to spend the rest of your lives together, and nothing else really matters in the end, it's all just window dressing. Good luck, I hope you can sort it out. Xx

I'd agree with either giving back the money or saying u need it more for extension\future children so woild they be ok with you not spending it on wedding, that way you are avoiding looking ungrateful. Give both sets of parents no specific roles if you can then hopefully you can avoid spending too much time with them/giving them influence. I totally feel your pain, I had similar and wished I'd have eloped or just drunk more and ignored them more and generally not worried so much about family being idiots. Good luck!

Have you seen Coolbawn Quay ?

It's a marquee for weddings, it's absolutely lovely. There is a pub and little houses for the guests, it's very nice!
I was at a wedding there years ago and it was brilliant. The couple were lovely so that probably made it good too. It's worth looking at, probably very expensive but it might be a compromise?

Go away, just the two of you, and get hitched somewhere beautiful, away from this absurd amount of pressure. It's meant to be about spending the rest of your life together, not one stressful, overpriced day for everyone else to enjoy at your expense.

You have to get tough - in a robotic, repetitive way: anything at all about the wedding brought up in conversation "we'recommend planning it our way and it's under control thanks", anything about money "thank you, that's generous, but we want to plan it our way so we're paying ourselves". REPEAT REPEAT REPEAT. Do not engage. Do not discuss, explain or justify. Your day, your way!

*we're
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