My wedding is breaking me

[pandarific]

I've posted about my family situation before. Now I am getting married - I got engaged 3 weeks ago. Yay! Or not yay.

I am really struggling with my mum and my in laws to the extent that for the second night in a week I am awake in the middle of the night with a knot in my stomach.

We don't have much money at the moment and with aiming to try for a baby from early next year we want to get married early next year. We are also trying to finish the renovations to our flat and want to apply to build an extension.

My mum will not leave me alone, she keeps pressuring me to not have it in a marquee, spend lots more money on it than I can. She gave us 1k toward it when she visited, which is fine, and my dad has said he will match it and despite in laws also pressuring us into accepting 5k we have said 2 is maximum - nice you want to contribute etc but no way are we taking that off anyone. This way it's all even Stevens and everyone if they insist gets to contribute.

But my mum won't stop pressuring me - saying 'I'll have 5k for you by then, I'm saving' and linking me to and texting me about venues that are just way out of my price range and other shitty things. She said the concept of us getting the booze in and a box behind the bar which people could contribute to if they wished was embarrassing - 'I would be mortified and so would your dad'. FFS.

I HAVE to invite old neighbours, friends of hers. Why, I ask? Because she was invited to all their children's weddings. FFS 2.

She wants me to keep my plans private - she 'doesn't want people laughing behind our backs that you're looking for a field'. Because I posted (under a filter for only close friends, my sister must have been on it and told her) on Facebook that I was looking to hire a marquee site.

This one has made me really angry with her, and it's really hurt me too. She treats me like an absolute idiot and gives me no credit at all. When she was having dinner with my fiancés parents she went on about what a weird kid I was and how I got bullied at school - she honestly is so obsessed with the idea that because I want a relaxed, non-hotel alternative wedding that I am going to horribly embarrass her in front of her friends. Who of course MUST come.

She told me that because 'people' will be giving (what people? My friends are not that wealthy) at least 200e pp as a wedding gift 'they expect' a nice standard. FFS3.

She told me and my fiancé in front of inlaws that we needed to go on a diet. FFS4.

We just want a big relaxed party with good food and booze and everyone we like there, so guest list is big, but it's doable.

But she's making me feel like shit about it and it's really getting me down, particularly as I've been killing myself finding venues within our very tight parameters. It's already stressful enough, I just don't need the emotional blackmail.

I won't be telling her shit about the wedding from now and ive blocked her and my sister to stop me reading the text messages. I'm just really upset.

Oh and apparently I need to ring the ILs tomorrow to tell them we won't accept their 5k because they won't listen to OH. It just feels like nobody is listening to me and no one respects me and it's making me want to scream and cry at the same time. I am not calling anyone - OH needs to stand up to his parents too because this is ridiculous.3

I've been there OP. I'm Irish as well and my mother went slightly crazy over my wedding. DH and I wanted a small civil ceremony, close family only and a dinner after and that was it. My mother wanted to invite everyone who ever invited them to a wedding, was mortified at the idea of a civil Cermony and said Dad would pay (provided we did it her way)

DH and I got married in City Hall New York!!

You have to get tough - in a robotic, repetitive way: anything at all about the wedding brought up in conversation "we'recommend planning it our way and it's under control thanks", anything about money "thank you, that's generous, but we want to plan it our way so we're paying ourselves". REPEAT REPEAT REPEAT. Do not engage. Do not discuss, explain or justify. Your day, your way!

THIS!!

Do not tell them your plans. Make your plans to suit you and then ANNOUNCE the venue/date/itinerary when it's set in stone.

There will be tantrums. There will be tears. There will be attempts at emotional blackmail. Ride it out - they will get over it. Your plans sound lovely, by the way.

Im Irish too and feel your pain. My Dad gave us €5K which I gratefully received as we were skint, but there were a LOT of conditions attached to it.

I had to give in on some things. I invited a couple, cousins of his, that I had literally never spoken to in my life cos they had 5 kids married and each one had invited my parents (clearly their kids had either much bigger weddings or were much more biddable).

But there was holy war about other things - the way I intended to wear my hair, my choice of music, my choice of meal, the groom not wearing a formal morning suit and (the biggest one) my choice not to have a communion Mass. Surprisingly the priest was my biggest ally there and won the day for me.

I remember the run up to the wedding as a really shitty time actually, full of arguments. The minute I stood my ground and "won" on one front, they'd turn their attention to winning the next. It was a year of crawling through land mines.

The only advice I can give is aim to win 90% of it, but not 100%. People on here will tell you not to budge an inch but they don't know Irish parents, who only relax when thrown a bone.

My inviting that couple turned out to be a good concession. They were nice quiet people who were delighted to be there and my parents spoke to them a lot on the day. No regrets.

And because of that concession, I got to do everything else my way.

Tell them that as they don't like your ideas it's probably best if they don't come.

My ex's lot treat him like the family idiot, it really is shit. Fortunately we planned the wedding in another country where they didn't speak the language and couldn't get involved.

I got this when I got engaged too. It really took the shine off being engaged. Almost immediately, DM and MIL started to dictate what I should wear, where I should hold the wedding, that it must be a catholic wedding, that so and so needed to come.

I just ground all arrangements to a halt, and refused to discuss it. I also threatened to elope to Vegas if we were being pressured any more. (like you I'd prefer to have family and friends there but DM and MIL didn't know that) DM gave us a sum of money but as soon as she used it to try to influence our wedding I told her she would get it straight back.

Recently my MIL made it clear that she doesn't care how we marry or what the wedding is like, just that we do. DM too. So no harm to threaten elopement to soften their cough. Start enquiring on FB for Vegas weddings or something similar to cop them on. (Irish here too btw)

God, this is awful and you've only just begun! It definitely needs nipping in the bud.

Stern words are needed.

Can you afford to getting married without any family money? I seriously think you should do that - it takes any of their wishes out of the equation.

Otherwise you'll feel beholden to what others want. This is about what you and your partner want.

I'm wondering if it's a catholic thing?

My normally mild mannered even submissive mum seemed to turn batshit before I even got my engagement ring!

I expected crap from my dad (he's an arse) but no he was fine my MUM tried to get me to change EVERYTHING!

Dress
Bridesmaids
Bridesmaids dresses
Venue
Music
Food
Timetable

It was nuts!!

In the end my brother (also very mild mannered) just lost it with her when we were there for Sunday dinner one week and she wanted to invite ex neighbours even SHE hadn't seen for over 10 years! (They barely stayed in touch Christmas cards was all).

And that was even though we (fiancé and I) were paying ourselves!

I wonder Graphista. My DM morphed like yours did. I hadn't even got the ring back and I was already fed up with what I 'should' be doing.

And I knew that by having a church wedding (which is ridiculous given that we are both athiest) I'd be steamrolled into having the bridesmaids, flowers, candles, flower girls and hotel shindig I was desperate to avoid.

Funny thing was that I ranted that her and DMIL were pushing me to have a church wedding and DM got outraged on my behalf that DMIL would dare to dictate to me like that at my wedding She has forgotten that she was worse! Now she wouldn't give a shit if I got married by a cat, as long as its what I wanted and not bowing to the wishes of DMIL.

My sister has had some similar issues with my dad, who is paying a rather large sum towards her wedding. My dad is generally lovely so the whole thing felt really out of character, but having agreed to stump up so much money he started to get very funny about some of the same things as your mum. He wanted to give the venue his seal of approval and got pissed off that my sister had taken some friends to see it before him, even though those friends lived around the corner. Then even though it was my sister's ideal venue and she was really happy with it he kept telling her it wasn't good enough and pestering her to look at other, more expensive places (which he would have paid for, but which didn't meet any of my sister's requirements). He even went as far to suggest that my sister's absolutely lovely fiancé was 'pressuring' her to get married in this inferior place, which really upset her.

He's also added about a dozen extra people to the guest list, all colleagues of his or distant relatives that my sister and I would barely recognise in the street. Yet when I suggested that my mother (they're separated) might like to invite an old friend of hers from university, he snapped at me 'your mother can invite her friends when she's paying 10k for the wedding'.

Apart from that last comment, though, I think in my dad's case it mostly stemmed from misplaced pride and excitement about the wedding, and really wanting the best for her. But he went about it in completely the wrong way and made everyone very unhappy. Eventually my sister sent him a long email explaining how hurtful he had been and how he was ruining what should have been a really happy time for her. He was actually mortified and they've been able to discuss everything far more amicably since then. I think email could perhaps be the way to go with your mum too? You don't have to lay into her but you might be able to explain everything a lot more directly than you could in person?

Good luck!

I'm getting married on Saturday (Woo!) and we've told nobody. We booked the most fantastic hotel room for the weekend (total luxury). My cousin and her man have done the same. We're going to be witnesses for each other and get married at the same time while the sun sets over the river (Australia).

People will be disappointed they couldn't be there, but hell, it's our wedding and we didn't want the pressure of having a big do. We're doing it how we want it and it's going to be perfect. Instead of holding a bouquet in a church, I'll be holding a glass of champagne on a balcony with one of the most beautiful views in the world.

Be true to yourself. Be firm. FIRM. Don't dither by saying "well, maybe" this or that... just do what YOU want to do. Don't compromise. Save your money for your future, not for a day to please other people.

OP: unless you own a farm, a marquee hire company and loo/catering hire companies there is no way you can hire a marquee and all the extra stuff you'll need for £2K (or even 4K).
Do loads of research before you set your sights on anything. It's shocking how things add up. It's certainly not worth falling out with family before you've actually formulated what you really want:
Congratulations on your engagement!

My marquee without toilets but with chairs and everything cost 3k.

You can hire a lovely hall for a third of that cost.

My marquee wedding was beautiful and I wouldn't change it for the world but it wasn't a budget option, it cost 12 grand all in and I didn't have a crazy expensive dress. We did have lots of people in the evening (over 200) but they were buying their own drinks and the BBQ didn't cost much per head.
I wouldn't have changed it for the world but it's crazy how expensive they are sometimes hotel deals can actually work out cheaper

Oh I know on the costs, believe me! The 2k + 2k isn't to pay for the whole wedding - we'll (well, the bank) will stump up the rest.

And pretty halls are easy to come by in the uk - really not so much in Ireland unless you want the GAA club or a Church hall, which is out as we're heathens.

Anyway, I think we've found The One - they have a barn with optical marquee, plus are self catering so we can sort booze and food ourselves. Yay!

My mother is going to HATE the barn.

We went to wedding in a Marque in a field, it was one of the best wedding we have been to. They got all the wine from Sainsbury's/Lidals. The had a bake off for desserts. They got married in a fantastic little local church; it completely pee'ed down and all their young guests camped - the had a country band who also camped - we didn't stayed in a B&B. Brill wedding.

I know a lot of people give their parents invitations to give out as they see fit. An Irish thing, and not every Irish person does it of course but it's common enough for brides list of guests, grooms list, her parents list, his parents list.

You are clear about the venue you want.

I would now be clear about the number of friends/family your parents and In laws can invite.

Write down who you are inviting in terms of family and friends then allocate each parent a number each which can be people of their choice. End of conversation.

Can I suggests you write all the invites and handle the responses to ensure no parent sends out "extras".

Anymore moaning from your Mum remind her that she doesn't have to come...

I'm getting married in few weeks and am so stressed.

My mum has been amazing - basically let us do what we want! BiL has been an arse but he is a control freak and wants the world to revolve around him. Basically insisted we invite someone he fancies as his plus one even though I'd never met them. It's put a pall on the whole day for me.

Oh how I used to envy the British tradition of "lovely halls"!

I've never seen one in real life. I imagine lots of bunting and a piano in the corner and the WI having a raffle.

I'm Irish. My dad paid to change the wedding menu as we were having chicken as the main course and he was ashamed that we were not having beef. How cheap!

I work in event management. PM me if I can help.

I expect their parents did the same to/for them. And they thought, in the natural order of things, they'd get their turn to plan their DCs' wedding.

But times have changed. Now they'll never get to plan a wedding after all, because you young folk do it yourselves these days. Ah well...

All the best to you both.

If you don't get tough now it will only get worse when a baby comes along
This is your wedding your day. Invite who you want If anyone sulks tough TBH I'd give the money back and stop discussing any of it with them. Tell oh to do the same
You have to set boundaries (or you'll be one of these posters who starts threads about dreadful parents/in laws )