Is being cajoled into having sex rape?

[ThomasRichard]

I'm just looking for opinions as I think through what happened in my marriage (now over). I don't want to minimise anyone's experiences of sexual assault but I was wondering whether what exH used to do was rape or not so I have it straight in my own head. He was emotionally and financially abusive and as a result I didn't feel like sleeping with him very often, although still at least once a week. He didn't think this was enough and used to get into bed when I was trying to read a book or go to sleep and cajole me into having sex with him. It didn't matter what I said, he just wouldn't leave me alone unless I either gave in and had sex just to stop the nagging (which was the outcome most of the time) or snapped at him, at which point he'd sulk and go on about how I wasn't being fair. I didn't want to have sex on any of those occasions but was my 'giving in' consent, even though I'd made it clear that I didn't want to?

There is an excellent episode of Always Sunny in Philadelphia which explores this very point of 'cajoling/coercion' in which he says something along the lines of

It's not about making threats...it's all about the implications. We're alone, it's dark, she doesn't know what I might do. Half the time I don't even have to say anything. It's the implications.

It is brilliantly creepy, and illustrates perfectly why it should be illegal and classed and rape. Because the intent is to rape, not to have consensual sex.

Classed as

restlessat50 that sounds awful, I'' so sorry. In the end, he left because I wasn't fulfilling his expectations of what my wifely duties should be, i.e. giving up my career to stay at home to look after many more children, cook, clean, be on his arm at social events and be up for anything in bed. He left to 'give me some time to think about how much I appreciate him'. I cried for a weekend, then thought 'actually, no' and told him I was divorcing him.

It's all very well coming from a non-abusive relationship and saying discussing the technicalities, and that not saying a big loud outright NO means that it isn't really rape, except a big fat NO to sex would, in reality, mean a YES to other abuse (sulking for hours / days / weeks on end, arguments, bad atmospheres, nagging, tantrums, fights, . So what you're presented with is not a choice. It's a decision between what type of abuse can you tolerate best. 20 mins of the hell of letting him fuck on you or some other type of hell. And it grinds you further and further down, and you hate sex, hate being touched, hate your body, looked at, dread him coming home, dread events and days like birthdays etc. where you know you will be expected to DTD. In my mind, yes, it is rape. The technical 'consent' is meaningless. Coercion is violation.

Sorry grammar a bit mad in that post

That's a very good point wheel.

Quote: ...I was wondering whether what exH used to do was rape or not so I have it straight in my own head...

Honestly, if this is seriously bothering you, and on your mind a lot, troubling, etc. then I STRONGLY recommend to contact a counselor. You will get all kinds of well meaning advice on an internet forum (and a lot of it ill informed), but you should speak with a trained professional. They will help clarify things (external perspective on what happened, and some advice on how it has been dealt with) and be useful in moving forward.

I was raped many years ago (stranger I did not know). Your post does not
minimize my experience, I take it is as a genuine question/concern.

If it is bothering you please get help/advice.