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Original poster

He went to a funeral without telling me.

79 replies

sparklybluelights · 06/12/2016 16:07

I know this is really trivial in the grand scheme of things, but something has happened that's made me question whether my husband is more secretive than I previously realized.

Is it normal behavior to attend a funeral without telling your spouse of 18 years?
Yesterday, I found out through a mutual acquaintance that she saw my husband at a funeral. The funeral was 2 months ago. He never mentioned anything to me either at the time or since.

We've always been open about things up until now. I haven't said I know yet. I have never minded him attending things on his own, so why the omission to tell me?
What do you make of it?

OP posts:
Adora10 · 06/12/2016 17:12

He sounds selfish, goes to a funeral and doesn't mention it - goes in a huff for days on end if you challenge him on anything.

He sounds untrustworthy, I am not saying he's a cheat but he clearly doesn't respect you.

pipsqueak25 · 06/12/2016 17:13

sulking and sneaky sounds a right catch. needs a verbal slap more like.

The80sweregreat · 06/12/2016 17:16

I really do think that's very odd, although my dh doesn't always tell me everything in minute detail ( as I tended to do years ago and I don't now so much) but we would tell each other about going somewhere like that.
Do you think there is another reason for him not saying anything about it? is there more going on here? ( sorry if theres not but it does seem strange) best to ask him outright after the weekend.

228agreenend · 06/12/2016 17:17

The problem wasn't that he went alone, but that he didn't tell the poster that he was going, or mentioned it since. She has no problem that he went by himself.

Original poster
sparklybluelights · 06/12/2016 17:20

and knew that they'd be people there from his past

I can see this being the case. Funerals are a good chance for a catchup with people you haven't seen for years.
I'm still a bit hurt by him thinking he couldn't tell me he was going.
but I shouldn't read too much into it.

I still think it was a bit sneaky.

lying by omission to mention it.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 06/12/2016 17:25

If you just say "I saw X today and they said you were at Y's funeral, I didnt realise you had gone!" in a bright breezy way. If you get an angry, defensive, "why are you questioning me?" ott reaction then you can pretty much assume that he didnt want you to know, and then you do have a problem. If not then he just didnt mention it.

Shakey15000 · 06/12/2016 17:25

I think it's odd.

SouthofMaui · 06/12/2016 17:34

we don't report on our daily doings on a regular basis

genuinely wondering what you speak about? I am probably not clever enough and speak too much about my day, if only in a very brief summary "boring day, doing boring stuff". If I have a bad day, I txt my DH so we can meet for a drink, if I have a good day, I tell him about it. We do work in related businesses, so I guess the gossips from one company can have an effect on the other.

kaitlinktm · 06/12/2016 17:37

Re the sneaking about to prepare clothes - I went to a funeral last week and wore the usual black smart coat, black trousers, dark blouse etc but I noticed people were there in jeans and anoraks, work uniforms etc and one woman in mules and no tights or socks (looked a bit drafty for December).

So maybe it was the kind of service he could attend wearing his work clothes.

Still odd not to mention it at all though.

Miserylovescompany2 · 06/12/2016 17:39

Was he ever close to the deceased woman? Could there be a history that he didn't want to rake back over, because it was prior to being in a relationship with you?

Yes, it does seem odd to go to extraordinary lengths to conceal the fact. Unless, he turned up at the funeral wearing his everyday clothing? Almost as if he decided on the actual day to go? Lets face it, ironing suit, shirt and polishing shoes takes time.

Does he often iron? Or is that in itself out of character?

Was he seen to be upset at the funeral?

Maybe he was closing a chapter in his life. Just paying his respects? It's obviously playing on your mind. Why not just drop it into a casual conversation. If you don't ask, it could grow into something it's not...

SenecaFalls · 06/12/2016 17:42

genuinely wondering what you speak about?

Not about work much at all. We talk about our children and grandchildren, the daily unfolding of the disaster that is Donald Trump (I'm in the US), holiday plans, things like that.

Atenco · 06/12/2016 17:42

How good is your communication normally?

I live with my adult dd and find that she is so uninterested in my life that our conversations are just about her life.

ChewedUpRope · 06/12/2016 17:44

I'm so amazed at the number people saying they see nothing unusual about going to a funeral and not mentioning it, even in passing, to their OH!!

I'm not sure I've ever even popped to Tesco without it coming up in conversation with my OH at some point in the day. We talk, so anything that I don't do regularly would undoubtedly be mentioned at some point! And thankfully, funerals definitely count as an irregular occurrence in my day-to-day life.

Original poster
sparklybluelights · 06/12/2016 17:48

I don't want to ask my work friend any more about the day, because when she mentioned she'd seen him, I said oh yes..... and left it at that.
I don't want any workplace gossip, which is what would happen if I quizzed her further. As it stands she thinks I already knew he was going to be there.
So I have no idea if he was in his work clothes or who he spoke to or anything.
He knew I was at work all that day, so it's not as if he wanted to go on his own and was possibly worried I would ask to go with him, which would have led to him keeping quiet about it.

Strange man!

OP posts:
Original poster
sparklybluelights · 06/12/2016 17:50

Even if he wore work clothes I would have thought he would take a change of shoes.
After reading some of the comments, maybe not.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 06/12/2016 17:50

You are not remotely "on the same page" in your marriage if he sulks when you ask perfectly reasonable questions. That is without the sneaking around.

Hissy · 06/12/2016 17:51

This is not normal healthy relationship behaviour. To not even mention it at all? No... not good

SenecaFalls · 06/12/2016 18:07

I'm so amazed at the number people saying they see nothing unusual about going to a funeral and not mentioning it, even in passing, to their OH!!

I think there may be some cultural differences at play, at least in my case. I live in the US Deep South. People go to funerals a lot. I have been to funerals of folks I have never met (parents of co-workers, clients of colleagues who asked me to go in their place). Going to a funeral is not really out of the ordinary at all.

SouthofMaui · 06/12/2016 18:12

I'm not sure I've ever even popped to Tesco without it coming up in conversation with my OH at some point in the day

me either, but whoever is going to a supermarket always text the other one asking if s/he needs anything there! So whilst I wouldn't mention supermarket and mundane things when my DH is working abroad, we are always in touch with each other when he's in the country. Even if I pop out for a coffee when I am at work, I normally ask him if he wants to join me (our offices being round the corner to each other). We still go out separately quite a lot (it helps for childcare too), but we stay in touch.

Anyway OP, I would as above casually mention that someone has seen him. If he sulks, he sulks. Ignore him until he calms down when he's bored! (hopefully).

Bluntness100 · 06/12/2016 18:22

I'm sorry, but yes, it's weird he would go to a funeral and not tell you but it's just as weird you can't just say to him " hey x mentioned you were at Ys funeral, were you , I don't remember you mentioning it?"

Looks like uour both secretive and with holding info from each other and honestly that's really unhealthy.

ForalltheSaints · 06/12/2016 19:50

Sounds strange, even if it was someone unknown to you.

MissWillaCather · 06/12/2016 20:37

I think it's weird.

Crispbutty · 06/12/2016 21:12

Is it possible that he was in a pub where the wake after the funeral was being held? And not actually at the funeral?

ThisThingCalledLife · 06/12/2016 22:54

does it not make you wonder what else he is being sneaky about?

How many times have you backed down or given up on a conversation because of his sulking?

TheStoic · 07/12/2016 02:13

"I just heard so&so died a few months ago, did you know that?" You'll know from his response whether he deliberately kept his attendance at the funeral from you or not.