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Relationships

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Original poster

He went to a funeral without telling me.

79 replies

sparklybluelights · 06/12/2016 16:07

I know this is really trivial in the grand scheme of things, but something has happened that's made me question whether my husband is more secretive than I previously realized.

Is it normal behavior to attend a funeral without telling your spouse of 18 years?
Yesterday, I found out through a mutual acquaintance that she saw my husband at a funeral. The funeral was 2 months ago. He never mentioned anything to me either at the time or since.

We've always been open about things up until now. I haven't said I know yet. I have never minded him attending things on his own, so why the omission to tell me?
What do you make of it?

OP posts:

ChardonnayKnickertonSmythe · 06/12/2016 16:42

Would anyone really think he had a relationship with someone because he went to her funeral?

SouthofMaui · 06/12/2016 16:42

It's very strange. I don't think couples have to share every mundane details, but it's an odd omission if you are living together. Normal couples talk, don't they? I could understand if you forget when you are away from work, but a funeral is not something

I find it very strange not to tell your partner what you do on your day off, why not? "What have you done today?" "Nothing". It sounds weird. You can just say you met a friend, gone shopping, relaxed, but I don't understand hiding things.

I can't know why he didnt' tell you OP< but I agree, it's odd.

Bogeyface · 06/12/2016 16:42

H is not exactly known for his honesty, but even he would tell me about attending a funeral.

How was he acting a couple of months ago? Snappy? Withdrawn? Depressed?

user1480946351 · 06/12/2016 16:43

I should probably wait until after this weekend as we have a birthday coming up and he has form for sulking for days on end if we have an argument

He has it all well controlled, doesn't he? You're not allowed to challenge him on anything because he'll sulk and create an atmosphere. You're not painting a pretty picture here, OP.

Hulababy · 06/12/2016 16:44

I haven't always known when DH has been to a funeral. As part of his job he ends up attending funerals during the work day, elderly clients, etc. and more recently a couple of colleagues, one he didn't know very well as worked in a different department and building. Some he mentions in passing - as they are not usually people overly close to him, he is home upset or grieving. Some he doesn't necessarily mention - more likely to if it means he will be home later than normal.

I guess it depends on context, but doesn't always need to be an issue.

Bogeyface · 06/12/2016 16:44

Would anyone really think he had a relationship with someone because he went to her funeral?

No. But they would because he made a point of not telling the OP and would have had to sneak around getting funeral clothes etc ready, and making arrangements to change somewhere away from home. It isnt attending the funeral so much as the sneaking around in order to attend that makes it stink a bit.

Donatellalymanmoss · 06/12/2016 16:46

Well not everyone dresses up for funerals so there may not have been as much sneaking around as you think. He may also have gone at short notice and then just not have found the right 'gap' in everyday chat to bring it up or perhaps he just didn't feel like talking about whoever it was and discussing the details of how he knew them etc. Not necessarily for sinister or sneaky reasons but maybe he just felt like saying good bye to someone he used to know without bringing their history into his current life.

It is odd that he didn't tell you, but the reasons why aren't necessarily bad or a reflection on your relationship with him.

NotYoda · 06/12/2016 16:46

I was going to say what user said. Good way to avoid conflict or confrontations - sulk so you are put off raising it in the first place

Whathaveilost · 06/12/2016 16:47

I have been to at least two funerals and not mentioned it to DH.
Both were old colleagues.
I wasn't particularly close to them but did like them.
Seriously it never came up in conversation.

KateAdiesEarrings · 06/12/2016 16:47

Could it have been work related? I've occasionally represented my organisation at funerals.

ChardonnayKnickertonSmythe · 06/12/2016 16:48

Funerals are not usually the most pleasant of conversations, I see how I would not want to talk about a funeral of an old friend my DH had I never even met or knew about.

ChardonnayKnickertonSmythe · 06/12/2016 16:49

And yes, some funerals can be casual.

Original poster

sparklybluelights · 06/12/2016 16:49

I don't mind him attending funerals without me. I never have
But he's never hidden one from me before.
not that I know of

As I said, it's made me question his openness. I'm seeing a sneaky side to him and it worrys me.

OP posts:

user1480946351 · 06/12/2016 16:50

Would anyone really think he had a relationship with someone because he went to her funeral?

went to her funeral and never mentioned it. Went to her funeral in clothes he would have to sneak around to wear.

ChardonnayKnickertonSmythe · 06/12/2016 16:50

Clear case of having an affair then.

SenecaFalls · 06/12/2016 16:52

DH and I have both been to work-related funerals that we did not tell each other about.

But then again, we don't report on our daily doings on a regular basis.

Donatellalymanmoss · 06/12/2016 16:54

You seem to be trying to steer the thread into a discussion on your DH's sneakiness.

Just mention that so and so said they say him at the funeral and judge the response. No need to give him the third degree or start an argument about him not telling you.

kateandme · 06/12/2016 16:55

make sure you ask him.be really honest like you have here.dont go accusingly or shyly just say you heard from a collegue,straight to it,and you were wondering. its ok to say you were concerned or confused because that what partners share with eacother. don't go as if your telling him off go like you have on here just wondering why?
he would if you did the same I think.
could the lady be an old girlfriend or family of.
I'm sure he thought nothing of it. but let him knowhow your feeling.its ok if your wrong or he think your wrong but just talk to him.let eacohter be open.
take care.xx

APlaceOnTheCouch · 06/12/2016 16:56

Just ask him.

Maybe he didn't sneak about ironing clothes. Maybe you weren't with him the entire time he was at home that week. Maybe he was representing his work so didn't think to mention it.

If he sneaked about getting clothes ready and if he lied about not attending the funeral. Then yy it's odd/suspicious but tbh you're nowhere near knowing if that is what happened.

Original poster

sparklybluelights · 06/12/2016 16:59

I don't think he's having an affair.

But I will definitely be bringing his attendance at that funeral up in conversation, at some point in the future, if only to work out if we're still on the same page when it comes to how we do things in our marriage.

OP posts:

msrisotto · 06/12/2016 16:59

Has he got previous form for cheating and lying? What's this aggressive sulking behaviour about?

Notonthestairs · 06/12/2016 17:05

I'm guessing he went to the funeral to support his mate and knew that they'd be people there from his past that he didnt want to have to explain or chat about (an ex maybe? friends from a time in his life when you didnt know each other?)
Personally I wouldn't be too worried about it. I went to a funeral a fortnight ago and told DH the bare minimum as it was friends from twenty five years ago that he had never met and I didnt want to be explaining the mechanics/background of that group.
I'm a bit surprised that you cant mention it without him getting in to a sulk - surely all you're going to say is that X mentioned you were at Y's funeral, how was that?

SapphireStrange · 06/12/2016 17:10

he has form for sulking for days on end if we have an argument.

Nice.

ohfourfoxache · 06/12/2016 17:11

The sneakiness is bad enough, but not being able to have a conversation without him sulking about it is pretty bad.

maggiso · 06/12/2016 17:12

I would guess he did not mention it because it was a friend ( or the wife of a friend) from a time before you met. He may also have gone to represent his family or mutual past club/ school/ uni / work place to show solidarity with the deceased family. I have been to several funerals alone for friends or ex colleagues I knew before I met DH.

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