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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband has pretty much ignored me for 2 months...

54 replies

TheReferoo · 05/12/2016 21:27

And I really don't know what to do.

There's a long back story including some emotional abuse on his part but in general I thought we had a pretty good relationship. Together nearly 20 yrs from a young age and now 3 young kids.

The ea is worse in times of stress and came to a head about 3 years ago following a big loss of someone close to him. At the time he said he'd get counselling but didn't but things got better.

However the on off low level criticism has affected me (still on going but not to same extent) and I know in recent months I've withdrawn emotionally somewhat but at a surface level things have been ok.

So to now. About 2 months ago he fell into one of his bad mood spells (walking on egg shells all round) which went on for about 3 weeks. Usually he snaps out of it fairly quickly so I just tried to manage it as best I could. But this culminated in a huge row where he said some awful things in front of the kids and since then he's been in the spare room and barely spoken to me.

We are civil in the day but every time I think he's softening and we can talk he's found something (in the main usually extremely petty) to get angry about. He's so angry with me all the time. My attempts to talk have been stonewalled. He doesn't want to talk, he thinks he's depressed (but won't get help) he's under stress with work and some decisions we've made (big and small) that he feels we're wrong. Yet he's totall normal and nice as anything with everyone. Just not me.

I veer between thinking is this the ultimate controlling act (because I lost it with him after the episode in front of the kids - which I rarely do), is he depressed and pushing the person closest to him away, am I just being an idiot because actually he wants out and hasn't got the guts to say it.

Unless he talks to me I am stuck. I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to call time but I know he won't move out so I'd have to, uprooting the kids in the process. Part of me just wants him to open up and talk so we can figure a way through it. And I am not sure if I want to leave just to provoke a reaction.

My head is a mess - I am so down, I can't be myself around him, I don't know if it can ever be the same after he's done this. I don't know if he even wants it to be.

In my mind I give it to the new year. I guess I have to get through xmas. Am thinking I should maybe speak to his parents - I am close to them but don't really want to get them involved.

I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 05/12/2016 21:30

Leave

hesterton · 05/12/2016 21:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

flapjackfairy · 05/12/2016 21:34

Oh goodness no wonder you are depressed. This is so abusive imo and he is trying every trick in the book to get you to fall into line.
I dont think you should live this way any longer and i would be looking to move on after xmas . You need advice re your house etc but i cant see how you can resolve this if he is going to be abusive and then ignore you when you dare to stand up for yourself.

Tootsiepops · 05/12/2016 21:38

Two months? Jeez - I thought I could hold a grudge, but fuck me.

Please do leave. Can you not imagine living in a house with a lovely, calm atmosphere? Where there's laughter and hustle and bustle and nobody sulking like a great big man child? How lovely would that be?

Two months...my chin is practically on the floor I'm so horrified.

iminshock · 05/12/2016 21:40

Leave

whirlygirly · 05/12/2016 21:48

This is no way to live. How could things possibly be worse if you separated? Leave and either shock him into sorting out his shit (unlikely) or give yourself a chance at happiness without this twunt and potentially with someone who doesn't do this in future.
This is really really not normal healthy behaviour.

EweAreHere · 05/12/2016 21:49

Someone needs to leave. If he won't go, pack yourself up and the children and leave.

I wouldn't stay with him over the holidays just because it's the holidays, either. How miserable does that sound for everyone!

Hermonie2016 · 05/12/2016 22:04

How have you managed so far? Do you eat meal togetger, take the children out etc? It must be horrible for you and the children.

Has he said he's depressed? If so I would speak to his parents but you might need to follow up with an ultimatum, either he gets help or you leave.
I have separated from a situation but I don't think it was as bad!! The relief to have the house to myself, knowing I don't have to change how I'm to fit around his moods.

His behaviour is grounds for unreasonable behaviour in a divorce, please don't think it's something you need to tolerate.

I despair at the amount of men who seem to have such common behaviour.The ability to outcast you (the woman he is supposed to have chosen above all others to be a life partner) yet treat others normally.
That is the abusive nature and hard to justify depression if only you are singled out.

Original poster
TheReferoo · 05/12/2016 22:18

I am not sure how much the kids have noticed. After the big out burst in front of them (which had a marked affect for a short period) to them its normal. We are all around each other ok, we all eat together etc but conversation is basic.

He said he is depressed when I pushed but refuses help for himself or us. He has no interest in discussing or working on our marriage just wants to do his own thing and get on with day to day life, as if how we are living is totally normal.

Yet he can be pretty nasty and in some ways it's easier when he's horrible as as upsetting as it is, I can feel angry. When he's (briefly) nice I just feel so damn sad.

I wouldn't hesitate to separate if he would move out. I think the space would do us good. I just don't think he will. We have a pretty big house so to his mind we can just co exist. As if this is a marriage. It's like he doesn't care what I say, do or how I feel.

OP posts:
stiffstink · 05/12/2016 22:23

When he's out at work, pack a bag for him, leave it on the doorstep and change the locks.

kittybiscuits · 05/12/2016 22:26

He is really selfish and cruel. You should make him leave. He is the problem.

AskBasil · 05/12/2016 22:40

LTB.

Go to a solicitor tomorrow and file for divorce. Cite his abusive behaviour. And please know, that it is abusive. Then go to an estate agent and find out how much your house is worth.

You have one life and so do your children. Please do not live it like this and don't teach your children to live like this. They are learning from you and your DH, what relationships are like. What would you say to your child if they were treated the way you are, by their partner? Would you be happy for them? Would you be satisfied that you'd shown them how to be happy? But this is what they are learning and this is what unless they are shown an alternative, they will reproduce in their own relations.

This isn't a rehearsal, this is your life. You have the right to pursue happiness and this man is stopping you and your children doing that. LTB.

AskBasil · 05/12/2016 22:42

"He has no interest in working on our marriage"

So why on Earth are you bothering to? I hate to tell you, but it takes 2 people to make a marriage and he's not interested. You are wasting your precious time and it goes quicker than you think.

Shabbychicchick · 05/12/2016 22:46

I could have written your post, it's awful. I hope things get easier for u

JaniceBattersby · 05/12/2016 23:05

Two months?! What an awful bastard.

You can ignore someone you're in love with for two months. How can he cause you so much pain and not try to stop it?

If he won't leave then I'd take formal steps to separate. You're just existing at the moment and life's too short not to live every day to the full.

Aroundtheworldandback · 05/12/2016 23:15

This is what I put up with for years before I found out about ow. Not saying this is happening here but the behaviour is the same. It's as if you're waiting for the last straw to force you to leave.

That last straw came for me in the form of violence in from of my kids- and thank goodness it did. Happily remarried now and showing them what a healthy relationship is like. This could be you. Get the ball rolling and don't wait.

keepingonrunning · 05/12/2016 23:21

It's easy to excuse away abusive behaviour with 'he's depressed', 'he's stressed'.
Imagine how awful the atmosphere is for DC. They notice more than we think, they sense the tension.
Changing the locks might be problematic legally. Adding a new one is less so. Be the first to tell his parents what you and DC have had to put up with, before H is able to tell them his sob story. Can you ask them if he can stay with them initially, to put space between you?
I have been in your shoes. Turns out XH resented me breathing because he had a shiny, new, much younger toy, an OW.

keepingonrunning · 05/12/2016 23:23

X post.

SandyY2K · 05/12/2016 23:25

When he's out at work, pack a bag for him, leave it on the doorstep and change the locks.

It's his home too and that's not legal denying the homeowner access.

I think serving divorce papers would soon get him talking. Serve the papers then take a week's break

This isn't a healthy marriage and it's quietly taking years off your life.

Is it really worth all the stress?

GiddyOnZackHunt · 05/12/2016 23:26

That's very unpleasant indeed. If he is depressed (If) then you can't fix that and he's showing no sign of doing so either so this will continue.
Something's very wrong. He doesn't sound like he wants to be in the marriage. He doesn't get to stay in his Big house and make you disappear though.
Have you asked him to move out 'temporarily'?
You need legal advice but if he won't leave you can't force him to (if he's not placing you or DC at risk)

Aroundtheworldandback · 05/12/2016 23:34

Mine was depressed too! Turns out the reason for his depression was he was missing his girlfriend and resented me and kids for being in the way!

EmeraldIsle100 · 06/12/2016 00:11

Get legal advice about separating and get him out of the house on the grounds of abuse. You say the kids haven't noticed, they have noticed. You are walking on egg shells at the hand of a self centered bastard.

I have been in PRECISELY the same situation, get yourself and the DC out if it. It's misery and there really is a nice life out there for you.

Please see a solicitor, contact Women's Aid and get more advice. You are wasting your life over a totally selfish man. Get out of this situation, please!! If you feel unable to do so please see Women's Aid.

I was you, being ignored for ages, it is abuse. I didn't realise it at the time but it is abuse and it is affecting you and your DC. Set yourselves free from this prick and get out. He knows precisely what he is doing.

You literally have one life. I wish I was your friend, I would help you get out. Please don't stay. You probably think I am being over dramatic, I swear I was you. Get out of this crap relationship, set yourself and your DC free from this abuse. I will be thinking about you x

Maryannesingleton · 06/12/2016 04:49

I too put up with this for a year and then left because he wouldn't go. Now I'm divorcing him, I have found out that he was living a double life all that time. I too thought he was depressed and gave him time and space and now I feel really stupid. Leave him.

blueistheonlycolourwefeel · 06/12/2016 05:47

Both my mum and my grandma put up with shit like this for years. My grandma has since died but my mum is still living this.
It won't change, except that when he retires, instead of it being worn, it will be your fault.
Leave, and do it quickly before you waste any more time with this man!

blueistheonlycolourwefeel · 06/12/2016 05:49

Instead of it being work that should say...

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