Husband has pretty much ignored me for 2 months...

[TheReferoo]

And I really don't know what to do.

There's a long back story including some emotional abuse on his part but in general I thought we had a pretty good relationship. Together nearly 20 yrs from a young age and now 3 young kids.

The ea is worse in times of stress and came to a head about 3 years ago following a big loss of someone close to him. At the time he said he'd get counselling but didn't but things got better.

However the on off low level criticism has affected me (still on going but not to same extent) and I know in recent months I've withdrawn emotionally somewhat but at a surface level things have been ok.

So to now. About 2 months ago he fell into one of his bad mood spells (walking on egg shells all round) which went on for about 3 weeks. Usually he snaps out of it fairly quickly so I just tried to manage it as best I could. But this culminated in a huge row where he said some awful things in front of the kids and since then he's been in the spare room and barely spoken to me.

We are civil in the day but every time I think he's softening and we can talk he's found something (in the main usually extremely petty) to get angry about. He's so angry with me all the time. My attempts to talk have been stonewalled. He doesn't want to talk, he thinks he's depressed (but won't get help) he's under stress with work and some decisions we've made (big and small) that he feels we're wrong. Yet he's totall normal and nice as anything with everyone. Just not me.

I veer between thinking is this the ultimate controlling act (because I lost it with him after the episode in front of the kids - which I rarely do), is he depressed and pushing the person closest to him away, am I just being an idiot because actually he wants out and hasn't got the guts to say it.

Unless he talks to me I am stuck. I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to call time but I know he won't move out so I'd have to, uprooting the kids in the process. Part of me just wants him to open up and talk so we can figure a way through it. And I am not sure if I want to leave just to provoke a reaction.

My head is a mess - I am so down, I can't be myself around him, I don't know if it can ever be the same after he's done this. I don't know if he even wants it to be.

In my mind I give it to the new year. I guess I have to get through xmas. Am thinking I should maybe speak to his parents - I am close to them but don't really want to get them involved.

I just don't know what to do.

Referoo,

How old were you BTW when you met this individual?. Were you at that time in a bad place yourself when you met him?

Re your comment:-
"We are all around each other ok, we all eat together etc but conversation is basic".

Your children have noticed something is badly wrong (I sincerely hope they do not blame themselves), they are perceptive and pick up on all the unspoken tension. It is not their fault or yours actually that this man has chosen to carry out his own private war against you.

You are being abused by this man and have been for a considerable number of years. Your children are by extension being emotionally harmed here also because of his behaviours. This is no legacy to leave them, after all we learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents.

Do not talk to his parents either; they will likely side with their son and turn against you. Also I would think that either one or both of them act like this within their home, what this man is showing you here is learnt behaviour.

I would not give this until the New Year either (this is also why January is one of their busiest months) but seek legal advice asap with a view also to having him removed from the marital home because of his abuses of you. Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 are well worth talking to as well.

Go see a solicitor and ask them to start the proceedings January 1st

Is this the life you imagined for yourself? And for your children?

He's being the ultimate coward-making his feelings perfectly clear but forcing you into the position of having to do something about it (leave or put up with it).

It's time to do something.

If you have time please read this short article. It may or may not resonate but seems pertinent to your situation.

esteemology.com/boundaries-for-codependents/

My stepfather did this to my dm too, but he would sometimes extend it to me and my siblings as we were extensions of her in his eyes. It usually lasted 4 months and then things would be fine again and we were just expected to carry on as normal. Your dc will definitely notice. Even if they don't see him stonewalling you they'll notice that you are not yourself. My dm finally left after 25 years of it and she's so much happier. Please seek legal advice.

Leave - even temporarily. Take the kids and go to your mum's or a friend's or even a Travelodge. Stay over Christmas. Do not give him the benefits or comforts of a family life. If that doesn't jolt him into talking, you know exactly where you stand.

This is no life. You only live once and yours is being wasted. Get out now and don't look back. Will be the best thing you ever do.

Enormous tension in the house !

I agree file for divorce. life is too short for all of you to be miserable - why wait ?

Divorce would be the best Christmas present that you could give yourself

My dad did this. I remember staring out of my bedroom window, seeing the children in the house behind ours and thinking 'I bet their parents talk to each other'.
When he decided it was over he just started talking to her again and she was supposed just to accept it.
She did but I vowed I wouldn't let similar happen to me.

Happened to dp too. Dad lived in the living room and started off ignoring mum, then when the dc did something he didn't like he did it to them. In the end he didn't talk to any of them. He would turn the electricity off if they annoyed him etc. He could talk nice to his work colleagues and golf buddies, but to his family he was cruel. All of his dc were badly affected and still are. None could bring their friends round because they were embarassed. All of his siblings suffer OCD to varying degrees which they developed to cope, and other mh issues. They were all unable to tell anyone what was going on. How do you explain to someone 'dad ignores us all'? You can't as a child, especially because you think it is fundamentally your fault.

You can't fix this man. No one who loves you would ever expect you to live like this. If he loved you, he'd fix it. It's not your fault he won't do that - it isn't a failure on your part. He might be unable to love you in a healthy way. In which case, it will never work for you.

Just go then, you can't keep putting yourself and your kids through, this, depression or not, he's a cruel bastard and you are showing them that this is normal, it's far form it, it's a totally fucked up relationship, there is no relationship, you are there simply so he can use you as an emotional punch bag - take control, respect yourself and get away from this coward and bully, it wont get better, he wont go, of course not, why would he? You need to do it. Depression has nothing to do with the fact that he treats you with hatred, your children are witnessing that, awful.

I would provoke him into talking.

Leave washing up for days

I'm petty though.

OP, I am sorry you're going through this. My ex-h used to do this to me every time he had an affair (I now realise). Then gaslighted me to death about being "paranoid" when I tried to address it. If your DH is not prepared to address this either then I think your only option is drastic action. This is not good for you or the children and is unspeakably cruel. I would tell him that you are seeking separation as you are no longer prepared to continue on like this. You deserve better

Leave. I was in your position, but with older DCs, he'll never change, it's all about control.

Don't waste energy trying to persuade him to talk, it's what he wants. Detach & ignore. don't cook or wash for him, act like you're separated under the same roof whilst sorting out financials and looking for alternative accommodation. Believe me it's the only long term solution.

When a person is emotionally abusive, they are always emotionally abusive, it doesn't go in degrees and be better or worse at times, they just learn how much the person they are abusing will put up with given the external circumstances. He knows that in times of loss, stress, illness you will show sympathy and put up with more. At other times he will rein it in a bit. But don't kid yourself that he is not abusive at those times...he is...always!!!

I remember when my ex didn't speak to me for for a week. I decided two could play at that game (totally against my nature). It finally drove him crazy and he never did it again. Though he is my ex.

You just can't have a life with someone like that.

You said very casually (not blaming you) that his leaving the house would give you much more space. Sounds like you wouldn't mind that much if he left. And I don't blame you... who would want that drain on your life, that bad influence on your kids.

Don't forget, children - specially boys - learn how to treat their partners from their parents. Would you wish this relationship on your children? If not, get out of it. He sounds like a tool. Good luck.

I'd actually forgotten or blocked out that xh did this to me. Couldn't talk to me civilly but would be lovely to anyone else.
There was also an ow - took me a few months but we (her xh and I) worked it out. Long story.
Anyway, I remember a low point being a holiday at Center Parcs where he would barely speak to me and actually listening to other couples conversations to remember what normal people talk about. We limped on another year or so until one day I just snapped. Never looked back.

Dp has never once stonewalled me in the years I've known him.

Thank you for all the messages. I've read every one and am taking on board your advice. If it wasn't for the kids I'd go without hesitation but it's hard knowing that I'll be the one seen to be uprooting them. I feel sick at the thought. And yet I fantasise about the life I could have alone as much as I do about the life I wish my husband would be happy to ha e with me. If you knew our set up you'd think he has no reason in the world to be unhappy. It's so heartbreaking.

Which leads me to ask for another piece of advice as this is bugging me. I am 99% sure this isn't about an OW. He wouldn't have the opportunity (works PT from home so is around a lot - unfortunately given what's going on)

Back in the summer he went on a lads weekend abroad to celebrate a big birthday. While I didn't love the idea (as I don't like the guy) I didn't mind as I also went away with my girlfriends. However after this trip I found out he had started following a girl on instagram that he had met on the trip.

When I quizzed him it was all oh she must have randomly come up as someone to follow etc. Which is bullshit as he'd have to have known her full name or had her number/email in his phone in some capacity for the link to be made. She did not follow him back.

Now I am starting to think maybe something did happen. But I have no proof and he'd never admit it if it did. I may be blowing this out of proportion- she was very gorgeous and maybe that's why he followed her. It was just all a bit odd. She's not uk based so this wouldn't have come to anything more.

Would you message her through facebook to ask? I feel like I want to but don't want to look like a sad old wife at home! It's the only lead I have to anything untoward...

No, OP, I wouldn't message her. The fact she's not followed back speaks volumes. Maybe he had a crush, which is not a crime, we all have those, even when married...the line is crossed when you act on it in any capacity. Maybe this flicked a switch, who knows? Whatever it is, it is vile, tortuous behaviour and I agree with others that if you can't immediately do something drastic (and uprooting the children from such a situation is not a bad thing IMO..and I speak from experience) then indeed, act separated. Leave him to do his own cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing. Do sod all for him. You don't have to put up with this shit and this has gone on long enough. I wouldn't focus your attention on somebody on Instagram, I really wouldn't. Start planning your escape instead

No, I wouldn't message her, I wouldn't mention it at all to him either, just stay observant.

To be honest, the marriage sounds dead in the water anyway. If you need a reason to leave, it might give you the clarity to do that. (It did me)

He's either an abusive shit, or an abusive shit having an affair. Either way, you don't need to put up with it.

So you would waste your life for fear of what other people might think ?

Crack in with that

*on

If it wasn't for the kids I'd go without hesitation but it's hard knowing that I'll be the one seen to be uprooting them

Would you let young plants become stunted in barren ground when there's a nutrient rich piece of land nearby, or would you uproot them and re-plant them in a place where they can grow to become all they were meant to be?

Do you own or rent the house?

I think you should see a solicitor. Don't move out until you get advice about what would happen to the house in the event of divorce.

In the meantime, stop cooking/washing clothes for the manchild if you are doing this.

Sounds just like my ex and his affair, too. It's horrible, you don't have to put up with it.

Any other new people he has mentioned in conversation recently? Sure the girl is abroad? Has he spent a lot of time alone with his laptop lately? The fact she didn't follow him might just mean that she is more careful or not in a position where it is exciting to take little risks of that kind.