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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh called me abusive.

65 replies

Snapyap · 04/12/2016 10:37

We were play fighting and it obviously got out of hand. I was asking him to stop and he didn't and when I retaliated, he said I'd took it too far and I was being abusive. Said nothing, went to sleep. Barely spoken this morning.

I don't know how to feel! Slightly ridiculous for play fighting, yes I know but it was fun at the start.

OP posts:
fc301 · 04/12/2016 10:44

Sounds like a dick.

Berthatydfil · 04/12/2016 10:47

You asked him to stop - he didn't.
You took further action to make him stop. Which he didn't like.
He's in the wrong.

You only did what you did because he wouldn't stop when you asked him. He wasn't respecting your boundaries because he carried on after you asked him not to.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/12/2016 10:57

Snapyap

I remember you from previous threads not so long ago. Sadly you are still with your abusive husband. It does not matter the playfight was fun at the start, he overstepped yet again. I sincerely hope you can find some strength within you to leave him.

I realise your mother is completely unsupportive and herself taught you a lot of damaging lessons on relationships and that is perhaps one of the reasons why you remain with this person. But it is no good reason to do so.

ZoFloMoFo · 04/12/2016 10:59

Play fighting? What like 'pretend' wrestling, punching, kicking or slapping each other?

Like kids do?

It always gets out of hand when kids do it, obviously adults are no different.

Grow up, both of you.

Or if you feel that "play fighting" is an essential part of your relationship Hmm then sit down together and agree some rules beforehand.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/12/2016 11:00

Snapyap

This is the man who called you a c* to your face in front of your son.

I also wrote this to you not so long ago either:-

"Is this really what you want for your son going forward, to see his mother being abused verbally by his dad?. It will not do him any favours at all, he is turn is seeing all this and will learn from it. Being with this person for you is really akin now to death by 1000 cuts, you modify your behaviours around him to try to keep him calm.

Do you want your son also to start calling you a c*, prick and fking idiot as well; he will learn that it is ok to call you that because his dad does and you take that".

AnyFucker · 04/12/2016 11:04

I think play fighting is ill advised full stop, but with an abusive partner it is madness

Who started this play fight disguised as an excuse to hurt you ?

Original poster
Snapyap · 04/12/2016 11:09

Atilla- thank you for your continued support, you really are a voice of reason on my threads. Honestly I just don't have the courage of conviction to leave. I did think of telling him to get out if I'm so abusive but didn't manage to articulate out loud.

Zo- thanks for that Hmm I know playfights are ridiculous. I mentioned that in the op.

Any- I can't even remember how it started. I think it was jokingly over a joke fight over the covers in bed.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/12/2016 11:10

You are minimising and excusing him.

Zumbarunswim · 04/12/2016 11:11

Your h sounds horrid. I second attilas advice. It is really hard to leave an abusive relationship but you need to gather all your courage or risk wasting your life with this "man" Angry

AlabasterSnowball · 04/12/2016 11:14

Snapyap You've posted many times about your abusive husband. He's really not a good man. You're still very young, but life is short, how many more years are you going to waste on him?
You deserve better, I hope one day you find the strength to leave.

Original poster
Snapyap · 04/12/2016 11:20

Can't get my head properly around the idea that he's abusive.

OP posts:
AtSea1979 · 04/12/2016 11:22

Play fighting and you retaliated, did you outright punch him in the face or something?

CauliflowerSqueeze · 04/12/2016 11:22

You told him to stop and he didn't. That's abusive. Does that help?

He's giving you the silent treatment when he's at fault, making you feel tense and guilty. That's abusive. Does that help?

AlabasterSnowball · 04/12/2016 11:25

Maybe read back through some of your old threads. Picture a good friend or family member in your position.
How would you see it then?
I undestand it's scary and upsetting to see your relationship as it is. If you need time, start putting a plan into action or set yourself a time line.
Don't expect him to change or recommend counselling, he's a manipulative shit who will use that kind of thing to hurt you more
You do need to make a breat, do it on your terms, but make sure you do it.

Original poster
Snapyap · 04/12/2016 11:27

He was pinning my arms down and I got one free and slapped him and that's what offended him.

It does but he's usually not like this so it doesn't feel like he 'really' is

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/12/2016 11:27

snapyap

re your comment:-

"Can't get my head properly around the idea that he's abusive"

May I ask why that is?. What is your definition of abuse? Maybe its because you may see abuse as physical only. Your parents, particularly your mother, set you a very low bar when it comes to relationships and that has done its own harm.

"Honestly I just don't have the courage of conviction to leave."

I think you do deep down but you do not believe it completely so are not there yet for your own reasons. Again a lack of family support, fear of the unknown, being on your own, even embarrassment amongst many other reasons conspire to keep people in relationships for far longer than they should.

Never forget either that the only level of abuse acceptable in a relationship is NONE.

Womens Aid are also helpful to talk to and I would urge you to call them on 0808 2000 247.

Original poster
Snapyap · 04/12/2016 11:31

Atilla you're totally correct. I feel like I'm waiting for 'just one more' incident to decide it's definitely bad enough.

OP posts:
KitNeutron · 04/12/2016 11:43

You're questioning if you're abusive, because he told you you were for slapping him. Yet you can't accept he's abusive, for not stopping "play fighting" (which is clearly an excuse for him to hurt you and then say he was just playing) when you asked him to, and what sounds like numerous other incidents?

He's abusive. And unless there's a whole lot of stuff you haven't said, you're not. When is it going to be "bad enough" for you to decide he's abusive and leave? Does he have to strangle you? Stab you? Because it will happen.

There are people who would tell you he isn't abusive (him obviously being one of them). They'd say you push his buttons and provoke him. That you shouldn't play fight because you're leading him to believe violence is ok. That it's "just one of those things, everyone has fights". I know this, I've lived this. But a) it's not true and b) more importantly, it doesn't matter. He's acting in a way you don't like, you're not happy. That in itself is reason enough to end the relationship. On the basis of just one incident, say the most recent one where he didn't stop play fighting when he knew you wanted him to, that would be enough.

You're in control here.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 04/12/2016 12:08

Amazed people are instantly jumping to the conclusion that he is abusive, especially on such limited information.

When you were play fighting and telling him to stop, is it possible that he thought you were joking or it was part of the "game"? In that scenario the slap, while justified on your part, may have come as such a shock to him that he called you abusive.

I would sit down with him and discuss it properly. Especially if this kind of behaviour is out of character, you need to establish why he didn't stop when you told him to.

Also, play fights are fine so long as you both understand each other's boundaries and have a safe word.

AnyFucker · 04/12/2016 12:34

I am "amazed" that you haven't picked up there is a back story, Show

UnbornMortificado · 04/12/2016 12:43

Massive back story Show

Snapy I posted on a previous thread he's not going to get any better. Abuse doesn't have to be physical.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 04/12/2016 12:45

I'm not saying he's definitely NOT abusive, though. I'm saying it's possible that this particular incident may not have been abuse. You don't know for sure. Neither do I.

Clearly there is a back story but the only people who really know what happened in this particular incident are the OP and her DH.

AnyFucker · 04/12/2016 12:47

Why does anyone ever post for advice or to get an outside perspective then if op and her husband ate the only ones who can sort this ?

That clearly isn't happening here

ShowMePotatoSalad · 04/12/2016 12:53

I didn't say that people couldn't post here looking for an outside perspective...

My opinion is an outside perspective, as is your's. I didn't make a judgement that he is abusive or not abusive. I said the OP should have a discussion with him about what happened and that it is possible it was a misunderstanding.

Hmm
Original poster
Snapyap · 04/12/2016 12:54

I'm really doubting myself. Maybe the slap was a big overreaction? Maybe I took it too far

OP posts: