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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh called me abusive.

65 replies

Snapyap · 04/12/2016 10:37

We were play fighting and it obviously got out of hand. I was asking him to stop and he didn't and when I retaliated, he said I'd took it too far and I was being abusive. Said nothing, went to sleep. Barely spoken this morning.

I don't know how to feel! Slightly ridiculous for play fighting, yes I know but it was fun at the start.

OP posts:
ShowMePotatoSalad · 04/12/2016 12:55

I don't think the slap was an overreaction at all. If he wouldn't get off you (for whatever reason) you didn't really have a choice.

AnyFucker · 04/12/2016 12:59

Op has enough people (inluding her partner) questioning whether she should trust her own instincts

You just added to that chorus, Show

By the time people post here, the situation is already pretty fucked up, almost invariably. The time for sitting him down with a nice cup of tea and trying to draw boundaries is well past

PoldarksBreeches · 04/12/2016 13:02

Show when a man pins a woman down and won't release her arms despite her asking/telling him to then that is an abusive act
Even if the man didn't mean it, it was still abusive.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 04/12/2016 13:02

I just knew you would say I was going to make her doubt herself. Which is frankly outrageous.

I said the slap was totally justified in my original post and have reiterated that again.

I have not said one thing to imply she is in the wrong, it was her fault, she deserved it, or anything of the sort.

I would never, ever make someone who is abused feel that they are not. Ugh.

This thread has been derailed enough now. OP, I wish you the best of luck. Flowers

Wonderflonium · 04/12/2016 13:11

And refusing to communicate for several hours, when the other person wants to get to the bottom of "was this a big misunderstanding/overreaction" is also a suggestion something abusive is going on.

Original poster
Snapyap · 04/12/2016 13:15

He's half trying to talk to me and I'm not really talking to him because I don't want to. So maybe it actually is me

OP posts:
ZoFloMoFo · 04/12/2016 13:36

Ok clearly a massive backstory.

On the face of it, based on your original post, it was clear this was always going to go the only way that "play fights" ever do (though admittedly I've only ever seen children play fight, never adults Hmm) which is... one person manages to overpower the other, overpowered person decides they've had enough and wants to stop, other person thinks it's all part of the play fight and carries on, and inevitably someone ends up with a smack in the teeth or a kick in the balls and there are tears all round.

I don't know the backstory, plenty of people seem to agree that he is abusive, so maybe until you're ready to accept that, you'd be better steering clear of these play fights with a very clear "no, stop" before they even start and without play fighting back, because as a PP pointed out, it seems to be an excuse for him to hurt you.

Zumbarunswim · 04/12/2016 15:11

It is hard to accept your partner is abusive as there are still nice times. Maybe you should read the Lundy Bancroft book. How does he talk about his exes? (Or has he claimed that he has no exes?) I had a look at a previous thread of yours where he wasn't letting you go for a shower and it strongly reminds me of my own abusive ex, then the name calling is abusive also. I'd also worry if he is now testing the waters to move his abuse to physical abuse. From what you've said I think he is abusive and projecting his behaviour (crazy though it sounds that anyone would even try this technique) is a classic abusive behaviour as the Lundy book would explain to you. X

Zumbarunswim · 04/12/2016 15:14

I was meaning I don't think an abusive partner will ever be abusive 100% of the time so don't see the nice times as an indication that he isn't abusive. By the time I left my abusive ex there were still nice times but they were somewhat tainted by the memories of all the horrible things he had said to me when he was on one of his rants/in one of his moods (ie being abusive)

Original poster
Snapyap · 04/12/2016 15:37

He says he has no exes at all and also was a virgin when I met him (didn't tell me that for a year though...) and weirdly last night claimed he'd never had so much as a crush on anyone ever before, with the exception of 2 celebrities and one teacher from school! Very strange and I refuse to believe in 24 years he didn't actually fancy anybody his own age.

OP posts:
Original poster
Snapyap · 04/12/2016 15:37

Sorry, thanks Zumba very helpful messages, I'll have a look for that book Flowers

OP posts:
Wonderflonium · 04/12/2016 15:40

I don't think it's you. He started with the silent treatment and now you're second guessing yourself and anxious.

AnyFucker · 04/12/2016 15:43

He is a weirdo in more than one way then...

Original poster
Snapyap · 04/12/2016 15:45

Any- elaborate for me? I haven't the words

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 04/12/2016 15:51

Well clearly I don't know the back story, but I do know that slapping someone in this scenario is not ok. If this was a woman who said "we were play fighting and I was holding his arms down and didn't stop so he slapped me one" the reactions would be very different. No one would be saying well it's because you're abusive.

So in a wider context he may be, but in this scenario she was. It's not ok to properly hit someone, no matter what gender you are.

Original poster
Snapyap · 04/12/2016 15:58

The slap was no more than what I'd been given during this play fight. At one point he was sat on my arm and I thought it might break.

OP posts:
AmeliaLeopard · 04/12/2016 16:23

If anybody had me pinned down and refused to let go then the very second I broke an arm free I would slap them. And I wouldn't feel remotely bad about it. The only exceptions are adults with learning difficulties, or if I was arrested. In literally any other circumstances I absolutely would slap someone who was refusing to release me.

I occasionally get in to tickle fights with my partner. It always ends with him winning and me telling him to stop. He never, ever refuses to stop. If he did refuse I wouldn't have any problem with slapping him, it would be a natural reaction to the shock of him continuing to do something (physical) after I asked him to stop.

OP, it is your body and therefore your rules. You told him to stop touching you and he should have. Your reaction was not abusive.

Minivaperviper · 04/12/2016 16:32

Play fighting as adults is meant to be fun and not hurt one another, if you were restrained and he didn't stop when asked it's reasonable to use force and you said you didn't use more than what you had both already been doing, so really he changed the goalpost of the game so that you get the blame.

Iv slapped dps on legs when they have playfully grabbed my legs and it hurts more than tickles and they stopped and didn't get offended. It was a natural reaction from me. That's how it should be.

There is obviously a back story that Iv not seen so please folow the advice from pp that know better.

FindingSmeagol · 04/12/2016 16:45

I've posted similar before. Except it was be 'taught self defence moves' by my abuser because I was coming home in the dark.

It's a great way to get beaten up with a watertight alibi for your abuser. Just play fighting, just teaching some defence moves. I had it pointed out to me on mumsnet how utterly stupid it was if me to go along with this and disregard it. I feel obligated to pass exactly the same message on to you.

Bluntness100 · 04/12/2016 16:52

The slap was no more than what I'd been given during this play fight. At one point he was sat on my arm and I thought it might break.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 04/12/2016 16:59

He's abusive & you need to get out, while you still can.

You slapped him no harder than he'd already slapped you in this 'playfight' and he's calling you abusive?! He's fucking with your head to make you feel you're as bad as each other so he can justify his abuse of you.

You really want this shit, and worse, for the rest of your life!?

Original poster
Snapyap · 04/12/2016 17:07

Two conflicting views straight after each other there.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/12/2016 17:18

Yes, one of them upholds the abusive views of your husband and one does not.

You choose which best fits your situation.

AmeliaLeopard · 04/12/2016 17:40

I am astounded that anyone (and I do mean anyone) thinks that it is unreasonable to slap someone who refused to release you. Seriously?! That's pretty much the definition of self defence isn't it? "He was hurting me and refused to stop so I hit him" is perfectly acceptable.

Original poster
Snapyap · 04/12/2016 17:42

It was a PLAY fight to start with which got progressively less 'fun' and he wouldn't stop when I asked and I finally hit him but not harder than when it was still 'playing' to get him off me and he took great offence.

I'm fed up.

OP posts: