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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dh called me abusive.

65 replies

Snapyap · 04/12/2016 10:37

We were play fighting and it obviously got out of hand. I was asking him to stop and he didn't and when I retaliated, he said I'd took it too far and I was being abusive. Said nothing, went to sleep. Barely spoken this morning.

I don't know how to feel! Slightly ridiculous for play fighting, yes I know but it was fun at the start.

OP posts:

GloriaGaynor · 04/12/2016 17:48

Bluntness you need to read up on 'violent resistance'.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 04/12/2016 17:48

After reading your recent posts OP, I agree with a PP that this doesn't sound like a playfight at all. Sitting on your arm to the point where you thought it might break? Who the hell does that? And is that the actions of someone who respects and cares for you?

AnyFucker · 04/12/2016 17:49

You have been played. Again. And that's why you are fed up.

The only person that can make a change here is you, love. This dick is having too much fun messing with your head...he isn't going to stop.

AnyFucker · 04/12/2016 17:50

Bluntness needs to read up on the dynamics of abusive relationships, period.

GloriaGaynor · 04/12/2016 17:52

There's no such thing as a play fight with an abusive partner. It was inevitable it ended where it did.

GloriaGaynor · 04/12/2016 17:53

Agreed AF.

FantasticButtocks · 04/12/2016 18:18

I didn't know adults did play fights Is this normal in your relationship OP? And if so, how does it usually end? Does it continue until someone gets hurt or pissed off? Who usually starts it? Who started this one? Do you actually enjoy any part of a play fight? Sorry for the questions, but it's not my kind of thing so I can't imagine actually wanting to do it. And I can imagine the risk of getting hurt, which is why I find it an odd concept.

Original poster

Snapyap · 04/12/2016 18:36

Yeah we've had a few play fights over the years; never usually go this far

OP posts:

Wonderflonium · 04/12/2016 18:41

You're not abusive. He is.

QuietNinjaTardis · 04/12/2016 19:42

My abusive boyfriend (when I was 19) had me pinned down and I couldn't get him off me. I bit his hand. He punched me in the head. Was I abusive? No I bloody wasn't. I was try struggling to get up and he wouldn't let me. There's no such thing as play fighting as an adult. If you say stop to anything then that person should stop. Doesn't matter if it's fighting, sex, tickling or a cuddle.

EarlGreyT · 04/12/2016 19:46

AmeliaLeopard. Exactly.

*At one point he was sat on my arm and I thought it might break." there's nothing in that statement that sounds like a "play fight" to me. He is abusive and the slap sounds like an entirely reasonable self defensive action.

Maybe the slap was a big overreaction? Maybe I took it too far. If anything, you are under reacting. He is the one who took it too far by refusing to stop when you asked him to and sitting on your arm to the point you thought it was going to break.

I know this is not what you want to hear, but he is abusive and you need to get out now while you can.

Nanny0gg · 04/12/2016 19:48

So if a man not your husband held you down and prevented you from getting up, would you think that abusive? Would you think it reasonable to hit him in self-defence?

Most women would. The fact you are married doesn't excuse him. He is an abusive bully.

KickAssAngel · 04/12/2016 19:55

The line of 'you're the only love of my life' and putting you on a pedestal is quite common to abusers. It then means the victim has this huge effort to live up to , to justify their position.

Also - if he is controlling in other ways, and is now doing this, it sounds like he's escalating his behaviour. Don't be surprised to find that there now starts to be more pressure on you. You're clearly starting to stand up for yourself, so he will want to bring you under control again.

If her wasn't abusive, he would be really upset about having hurt you, and would back off and give you some space if you asked for it. Abusers either minimize what happened, and tell you to get over it, or go over the top about how bad they feel, thereby making your pain all about them. People who respect you as an individual don't go to either of those extremes.

demonchilde · 04/12/2016 20:52

Next time snap he'll smack you back, then say is was self- defence. It won't be - it'll be revenge and justification for his actions, but you'll doubt that too as he will keep fucking with your mind so you continue to doubt yourself.

Repeat what others have said: he is abusive. Read up on Lundy Bancroft, and abuse in general, so you can try and balance the warped version he is giving you of the truth with the actual truth.

Talking to him will not help. You can't reason with the unreasonable. End of. It took me 40 years to learn that, get a head start .

But you can't fix this, him or any of it. As a PP wisely says you are young but life is short, why waste it on someone like him when you could be with someone who loves and respects you. Because this man doesn't, and you deserve more. You will probably think we are all over-reacting - I used to. But now I see it was actually me under-reacting. You too will see that one day, but you need to walk away from this man, you really do

Memoires · 05/12/2016 00:14

Look up the Freedom Programme, or ask WA about it. If you do one thing to help yourself, make it this : do the Freedom Programme.

He's abusive. It's not you, don't doubt yourself.

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