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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I Go to His Christmas Party?

93 replies

endlessdilemmas · 02/12/2016 14:41

Hi all, I'm new here but could really use a friendly ear and some advice please?

My partner of eighteen months has told me that he has been invited to the Christmas party of his former workplace and that he wants to go. All his work colleagues are women and some will be bringing their partners as they did last year, as last year he invited me but this year says he wants to go by himself.
I said fine... but wasn't thrilled about it, so he said (rather stroppily) oh whatever, come if you want to... Do I go or not??
I just can't decide what the right thing to is... we are having bad issues in various other parts of our relationship and he will not have sex with me... at all, and lies like a corpse next to me. Though he isn't having any kind of affair... he says its just depression. But I'm broken by him, and some of me wishes he would leave, and though he threatens me weekly with going, he never does...
So sorry to moan... just not sure where to turn.x

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endlessdilemmas · 02/12/2016 16:12

No Adora10 I don't. Thank-you...x

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Miserylovescompany2 · 02/12/2016 16:15

What an awful situation. My heart goes out to you. Yes, grief does all kinds of things to the brain.

Just like others have said, I think you've been targeted by someone who is systematically pressing every one of your buttons...

Button one = your sadly deceased mum. He is tugging on your heart strings in order for you and him to take a mortgage out on his mothers house. So she can be safe??? When did that become your responsibility?

Button two = selling YOUR home so you and he could have a family home. Which he now wants to leave and go back to his mothers? He's made YOU reliant on him.

Button three = removal of emotion. He's stop sleeping with you to make you think YOU are the issue.

Button four = the sympathy card! He's using PTSD as an excuse to be a complete twat!

GET OUT NOW! Go to your local CAB office and see what your options are? He sounds like an emotional parasite and he won't stop until he's sucked you dry!

CozumelFox · 02/12/2016 16:21

I had a boyfriend once, and I realised we weren't getting on anymore and we didn't enjoy each other's company, so we broke up.

...

Why is it I so rarely see this story on MN? Seriously, this isn't about Christmas parties, the man won't even sleep with you, he threatens that he will leave (so, emotionally abusing you), and quite clearly said "I do not want you to accompany me to this party." The guy's rude, crue, and honestly given that he's not broken up with you, is clearly enjoying making you unhappy. You're his plaything, a fool he keeps around to insult and upset to make his pathetic self feel better.

This is not about Christmas parties.

You don't have to wish he would leave. Tell him it's over and he's to pack his bags and go. Make a brew, sit in the kitchen while he pisses off, then delete and block from your phone.

I'm so sorry you sold your house. Do you have the money from the sale? Can you buy another? He has just used you, sod his 'MH' issues, he's scum.

endlessdilemmas · 02/12/2016 16:24

Miserylovescompany2... I think you have summed my situation up perfectly. He is a bundle of insecurities... from still being ludicrously angry and enormously guilty about not being able to have his son live with us (because he is happy with his Mum!) to having erection problems because of blood pressure tablets... I get all that, but shifting the blame on to me by saying that if I lost a bit of weight we might have a better relationship (not often, but mostly when he returns from one of his tantrums with ideas about how we can "fix" our relationship and telling me that me trying to be a step-parent by simply wanting to buy his lovely son a few Christmas parents is out of order, seems so cruel though I know these are his issues not mine...

Buy yes... I have been played. He frequently tells me that he wants to be "needed" while doing almost everything to make himself thoroughly dispensible.

Gosh how easy it is to spill your guts here...x

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FlappysMammyAndPopeInExile · 02/12/2016 16:25

He is a Wanker.

I'm so sorry you've compromised your financial future for this sorry apology for a man. Get rid and start again, no matter how hard it is - and if he comes round having "changed his mind" again, tell him to get stuffed!

endlessdilemmas · 02/12/2016 16:31

FlappysMammyAndPopeInExile So funny that you have said that he is a sorry apology for a man - that is exactly the line he uses when he is feeling sorry for himself!

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Bagina · 02/12/2016 16:31

I feel so bad for you. You've obviously sleep walked into this due to the situation with your poor mum. At least you've got your ex to help. Put yourself first now and start thinking straight.

endlessdilemmas · 02/12/2016 16:32

Thank-you Bagina... it is astonishing how supportive strangers voice feel when I am so rock-bottom.x

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eddielizzard · 02/12/2016 16:36

ok it's not ideal and you are regretting selling your house now, but it's not a good reason to carry on the relationship - because you've signed a lease. i think this guy should leave asap because he's no good for your mental health at all. how does your ds get on with him?

endlessdilemmas · 02/12/2016 16:43

Hi EddieLizzard... my son has enormous emotional intelligence and I think is more than aware that my partner hasn't any interest in being a step-parent to him because he is so very obsessed with his own son. This is an on-going issue because my partner favours his own son (two years younger than mine) to such a degree that the latest argument has been about the fact the wants to spend double the budget on his son for Christmas than I will mine though I am expected to finance Christmas for his family, as he tells me that this is what he has always done and he is not about to change.
Apparently asking him to make any kind of compromise at all is impossible.
But to answer your question without the ramble... I think my gorgeous boy sees him for what he is but has enough strength and resilience (and a great father) to rise above it.

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AnyFucker · 02/12/2016 16:49

Honestly love, the best Christmas present you could give yourself, and your son, is to get this sad sack of shit out of your life

I truly think you should not hang on until after Xmas. Do it now, so by the 25th things will be looking a whole lot brighter for you. This man is a millstone round your neck...please don't let him drag you down any further. He expects you to finance Xmas for his family ? Please do not do that. Him and his family are the proverbial money pit and he has manipulated you into a terrible situation

Make. It. Stop.

Albatross26 · 02/12/2016 16:49

Get rid. Now. This is not a healthy relationship. This man is using you

Miserylovescompany2 · 02/12/2016 16:52

If you've hit rock bottom? The only way is up from here on (out)

Tell him of your new diet and how you intend to loose X amount of pounds (his exact weight) over night!

Wish him, his mother and his son all the best. THE END :)

...then take a deep breath in and start rebuilding your life. A life that you are happy in. Let this be the best Christmas gift to yourself and your son.

Bagina · 02/12/2016 16:52

Bleedin Nora! Please get him out. Take your ex up on his kind offer and have the new year for you and your son. It was a blip, a moment of madness, move on. It will all be OK in the end. And as a pp said; perhaps you were targeted. Anyway, you've woken up and now you're in control!

endlessdilemmas · 02/12/2016 16:55

Gosh I know I have said this over and over during this thread... but truly, thank-you all. This has been a major wake up call. I have been feeling terrified... mostly of change because I had hoped life was starting to stitch itself together. But sometimes you have just got to jump haven't you?x

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Hermonie2016 · 02/12/2016 16:59

What a host of issues for such s short relationship.

Agree with everyone else, you can change him or support him in a way that he will become a decent person.You might be a caregiver but for your son's sake you need to stop.

If he's unlikely to leave can you move elsewhere? Contact agent to see about a break point in contract.
I suspect your partner believes you are bluffing and no doubt will change your mind in a few days.You just need to be firm and keep repeating the relationship is over.

Quintessing · 02/12/2016 17:01

I dont understand this.
Who owns his mums house now?

Why would you and he need to buy it? From her? Would she get a cash pay out and keep living there?

Was his original plan to scam you into funding his mums house while he ripped the security out from under you and your sons feet, making you dependent on him?

If his original plan went ahead, you would co-own a house with him that you had no right to live in while his mum was still alive, be tied into to pay a mortgage on the house, and pay rent on your lease, while his mum had neither mortgage or rent but a nice lump sum from the looks of things.

I think you should thank your lucky stars that did not happen.

If your landlord is understanding, you may at least recuperate your deposit if you are lucky. Maybe your ex can help you get legal advice, as it looks like your partner has been trying to defraud you.

endlessdilemmas · 02/12/2016 17:13

Quintessing I don't think that was his intention. His mum is in one of those backward mortgage things where she has sold (?) her house to a company and they pay her a monthly income (or something along these lines). She is lovely, very supportive of me and originally said we could buy the house for the tiny sum she owes on it (about 20% of what it's worth) so we would have a tiny mortgage but the house would continue to accrue equity if she could live in it.
This would have been viable and financially made sense. But as the relationship has become so unstable he now says he wants to go ahead and buy it and live with her if necessary while he gets the deposit together thereafter to rent somewhere else - as his main objective now is to live around the corner from his son (we are about half an hour away) so that he can be "the father his own Dad wasn't".
While there is no point in me going over it now because it is so blatantly over... my thought process was that building a home for his son to come to was the important thing and that a stable family would have been the best gift he could have offered him... but apparently he would rather spend his weekends with his son entirely to himself in a dingy flat... though as a mum I can see that this is not at all what his son would value and the intensity of that kind of dedication would be too much after he has has so very much loved having my son as his "brother " as he calls him and the certainty of a warm home to spend time in.

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Quintessing · 02/12/2016 17:19

Well, at least that sounds more reasonable than my initial thought.

Does not change your relationship issues though. Good luck breaking up with him. Flowers

endlessdilemmas · 02/12/2016 17:29

Thanks Quintessing.x

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FlappysMammyAndPopeInExile · 02/12/2016 17:30

Honestly love, the best Christmas present you could give yourself, and your son, is to get this sad sack of shit out of your life

Wise words Anyfucker

And I think Quintessing has good points, too.

If his mother has "sold" her house to a mortgage company (Is it some form of equity release? I'm not very financially aware, I'm afraid) then I'm not sure how you could "buy" her share from her. They will be wanting their money on her death (not saying she's trying to scam you - she may not understand how things work either - and TBH I could be completely off the wall).

He is a very selfish man - he's putting his own "wants" before everybody's needs, including those of the sone he supposedly loves so much, and the mother he allegedly wants o look after. He is destroying his son's opportunity to be part of a family, and just moving in and out of his mother's home (and I'll bet she does all his cooking, washing eft) as it suits him.

He's trying to guilt you into feeling responsible for the breakdown in the relationship when it is his fault, he has undermined you financially and is living off you, he is full of self-pity and "poor little me" - whatever you, or anyone else does, he is going to be a selfish, manipulative tosser,and he isn't worth a light.

Your ex sounds a thoughtful man and definitely take him on his offer of help. It's wonderful that he still cares so much for our child and you that he is prepared to do that.

As you have paid the deposit and the rent, I can't see that there should be any problems about putting his belongings in a black liner and telling him to get them shifted. TBH I would be tempted to lock him out when he comes back from the party and tell him t goto his mother's. And not let him back.

You aren't responsible for him, you don't need to keep him, and you certainly don't need his spite eating away at your self-confidence. Take this as a lesson learned. it could have been worse - you might have married the bugger!

FlappysMammyAndPopeInExile · 02/12/2016 17:31

Sorry about the 40,000 typos

Cary2012 · 02/12/2016 18:00

Sweetie, another one here saying get shot.

This guy is bleeding you dry emotionally.

You made a costly mistake over the house, but hell, that's life, we all make mistakes. The key here is to learn from them.

Stop investing emotion, money and time in this loser. He will drag you down and down and in a year or two's time, you won't have the energy or self confidence to get out.

Make a plan, I'm rubbish (or I was) sorting out practical stuff, because I let my feelings and emotions cloud my judgement. So what I did when I was left with loads of financial stuff to sort after my ex left, was make out it was like a business project, so I could detach, be practical and deal with it.

So sort accommodation and finances, get advice from CAB if need be. Then bin him without a backward glance. Have a deadline for everything. This could move very quickly if you just focus on the future.

As for the Christmas party, let him go alone. You can use the time to plan your exciting future.

Yourface · 02/12/2016 18:43

It's just so clear there is nothing for you in the relationship on any level, not financially, not emotionally and not sexually. Nothing to gain and you've already lost quite a bit already but you can get it all back, by splitting. You sound pretty strong and in control. I think you 'll get over this hump and be just fine.

endlessdilemmas · 02/12/2016 20:15

Just for an update: he came home and said he is not going out anyway because he has got no money because I expected him to pay half the bills and thus he cannot buy his son a birthday present on Monday and I am not to either because "he is not my son".
I'm done.x

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