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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I Go to His Christmas Party?

93 replies

endlessdilemmas · 02/12/2016 14:41

Hi all, I'm new here but could really use a friendly ear and some advice please?

My partner of eighteen months has told me that he has been invited to the Christmas party of his former workplace and that he wants to go. All his work colleagues are women and some will be bringing their partners as they did last year, as last year he invited me but this year says he wants to go by himself.
I said fine... but wasn't thrilled about it, so he said (rather stroppily) oh whatever, come if you want to... Do I go or not??
I just can't decide what the right thing to is... we are having bad issues in various other parts of our relationship and he will not have sex with me... at all, and lies like a corpse next to me. Though he isn't having any kind of affair... he says its just depression. But I'm broken by him, and some of me wishes he would leave, and though he threatens me weekly with going, he never does...
So sorry to moan... just not sure where to turn.x

OP posts:
happychristmasbum · 02/12/2016 15:21

Oh sweetheart this sounds awful. Not the Christmas party bit, that's a bit of a red herring. It sounds like you were targeted by this arsehole when you were understandably vulnerable.

So he has pressured you into selling your home at a knock down price and now you will have to relocate?

Kick him out and start over. Can you afford to buy somewhere for just you and DS? If not can you rent somewhere and make it nice for you and him?
He really has to go - this is really not going to get any better and could even get a lot worse. You have to prioritise your son, and your own happiness. Flowers

BeMorePanda · 02/12/2016 15:21

don't let him drag your life down anymore than he already has.

moreslackthanslick · 02/12/2016 15:21

Oh OP! Can't say anything helpful but just want to give you a hug.

Original poster
endlessdilemmas · 02/12/2016 15:25

I am truly astonished by your kindness and support... though I have no idea what OP means?
I know he has to go... I really do. But I feel paralyzed and obviously having only just signed a twelve month lease here a little scared.x

OP posts:
RatherBeRiding · 02/12/2016 15:26

As others have said - you need to cut your losses and get rid and get out. He is dragging you down and after 18 months this is dreadful - give it another 10 years and see how much more dreadful it will be.

I think you need to take cold, hard stock of your financial situation, find somewhere affordable for you and your son and get the hell out and don't look back.

RatherBeRiding · 02/12/2016 15:28

Talk to your landlord - I am sure they would rather release you from your contract than have a tenant not in a position to pay the rent. Or might you be eligible for housing benefit if your partner leaves you?

DO get some good advice from CAB or somewhere similar regarding your financial position - then kick him out!

musicposy · 02/12/2016 15:36

OP = original poster, i.e. You, the person who started the thread.

Joining with those who say get rid. Try not to look at what you've lost, you can't change that. Look now at the way forward. Flowers

musicposy · 02/12/2016 15:40

I didn't mean don't look at what you've lost with your mum, btw, of course you won't be able to help thinking about that. You've been through such a lot, no wonder your decision making was all over the place.

I meant not to think about having sold the house, it's done. Look at how you can get out of this one, or explore ways to afford it if you kick his miserable arse out. Which you should!

Adora10 · 02/12/2016 15:45

He's an abusive twat OP, you know it deep down. Don't go to party and don't feed this arsehole's ego any longer, you would be better off alone.

Also, men like him have no feelings for anyone, only themselves, no offence but he will dump you one day as soon as he gets an opportunity, get rid of him before he humiliates you even more.

JoeyJoeJoeJuniorShabadu · 02/12/2016 15:46

Get rid of this loser asap.

Costacoffeeplease · 02/12/2016 15:48

Oh no, what a shitty situation, you poor thing. Is there no way you can buy again?

Redesul · 02/12/2016 15:51

[fllowers] I don't have much to add, but if you've only moved in six weeks ago you may well have a break clause (sp?) in your contract, if not, you can still give notice and leave.

I hope you sort things out, sending happy thoughts to you!

Goingtobeawesome · 02/12/2016 15:55

If you decide you do want to stop being in a non relationship with this man you'll get all the support and help you need to do so. I hope you decide to leave him.

AnyFucker · 02/12/2016 15:56

Did you have any equity in the house you sold ?

HoopsandEverything · 02/12/2016 15:57

Having PTSD doesn't mean you can be a knob without consequences for your behaviour.

I think you need to leave him.

Original poster
endlessdilemmas · 02/12/2016 15:59

Thank-you all. I have just spoken to my son's father who has said he will do anything he can to help us over the next twelve months if I decide to ask my partner to leave.
Meanwhile I have got the partner in guilt mode begging me to come to the party now. I am not going. Though I think he will probably cause merry hell later when he gets back from the party myself as he tends to try to pick arguments when he has had a drink.

Truth? I'm exhausted.

OP posts:
Original poster
endlessdilemmas · 02/12/2016 16:03

As far as the money situation goes, no there was no equity left after I had paid the deposit and two months rent here... He paid nothing because he lost his job a few months ago and has only just got back to work after my son's father got him a job.
I run a business with decent potential but have not let it fly while my son has been little because he has been ill with various ailments so I have always just coasted so I could be with him when he needed me, but he is thirteen now and much better so I guess it is time to make a life for us both.x

OP posts:
Yourface · 02/12/2016 16:03

Take your son's father's offer with both hands. Tell current partner to leave. Stay until the lease runs out, then move. Get a lodger ASAP to lessen your dependence on the ex.

Move on. It 's a mistake but don't let yourself pay for it for the rest of your life. Toughen up, dismiss the guilt.

Yourface · 02/12/2016 16:04

Tell him to go to his mum 's after the party, why should you fret about his state of mind when he gets home?

Original poster
endlessdilemmas · 02/12/2016 16:06

Thanks YourFace... I have actually just told him to do that and he told me to stop being both melodramatic and passive-aggresive and to start getting ready for the party. I really do feel like I'm losing my marbles!x

OP posts:
Goingtobeawesome · 02/12/2016 16:06

Would your ex be in the house while you tell the soon to be ex pillock that it's over?

RatherBeRiding · 02/12/2016 16:08

Your son's father sounds a decent sort - accept his help. Kick out "partner". Work on getting your business up and running and concentrate on a much better future for you and your son. You deserve it!

AnyFucker · 02/12/2016 16:08

I agree. Don't let past mistakes stop you from acting now.

I am sorry about your mum Flowers It sounds like you need some mothering or at least a good female friend to talk this out with. Start telling people the situation are in.

Original poster
endlessdilemmas · 02/12/2016 16:08

Hi Goingtobeawesome... yes, he has said he will do whatever I need him to though he is pretty angry and can barely comprehend my partners selfishness and deep ingratitude for everything that both he and I have done for him.

OP posts:
Adora10 · 02/12/2016 16:10

But I'm broken by him

OP, he will be panicking now that you are seeing through the mask and will try the charm offensive.

Read above, do you really want him to break you to the point of no return?