Was this abusive or 'experimentation?'

[confusion77]

When I was between 7 and 9, I recall going into the shed, or other out of the way places, with brother, step brothers, neighbours boys. All or some of them. They varied in age from same age as me to 5 yes older. We would show each other our 'bits' and they boys would press their penises to my vagina. Nothing internal AFAIK. Sometimes they told me to kiss their penises and they would do the same back.

I can't remember if they had erections. I don't recall being 'made' to do it. Looking back, I really really don't know what to make of it.

That's not normal. Especially the ones who were older than you, they definitely should have known better.

Sorry you have gone through this and are thinking of it now. I hope someone comes with some advice

5 years older than 7-9 is a teenager. A teenager asking a prepubescent girl for sexual contact? Does that answer the question.

Thanks for your replies. I'm not sure what I'm hoping to gain from this post. The oldest one, 5 yes older, has learning difficulties, so wasn't your average older child. I hope I haven't put that in an offensive way.

I'm not sure I've posted in the right place.

I think you need to speak to a professional counsellor about this.

What has made you think of this now?

I don't know really. I have a little boy and am pregnant, maybe that? I don't feel traumatised by it I don't think.

It's not something I ever initiated, but went along with.

I can't afford a counsellor at the moment.

Speak to your GP.

I think children showing and touching their bits isn't unusual and if the older boy had learning difficulties, he might have been the same mental age as you two. I think 9 is a bit too old though.

Go to your gp and ask them to refer you to a low cost therapy service. You'll be put on a waiting list. It might be a safer space for you to explore your feelings around this.

I think.one of the reasons I'm thinking of it, is that I browse mn a lot at bedtime (baby bedtime, while he's dropping off') and often see threads where people say 'thats abusive' and I think 'is it?'

I think children showing and touching their bits isn't unusual

I would agree with this up to about age 6 after which I would start thinking it's inappropriate imo

Your GP could refer you for counselling if needed. I'm not saying you need it btw. I just don't like that they were all in a position of relative power in comparison to you - age, numbers and male:female ratio. And that it happened repeatedly and they took you specifically to out of the way places. And the kissing. All not ok. I wonder if some of the instigators had seen/been at the receiving end of inappropriate sexual behaviours

The important thing to remember firstly is that you're not that person now. You're in a different place now. That doesn't define you here and now. But it doesn't stop you, wisely or otherwise, thinking about it and wanting to find the right place for it, and put it there. I didn't put my story in the right box till I was 40. It's never too late to put stuff to bed.
However, I always think it's best to do the pondering and questioning of yourself with professional help. So that if you start going down a less than helpful (to YOU) avenue, there's a safety valve already in place.
Most of the input you'll get here will be kind and supportive and useful - but a chance remark by a stranger on the Internet can have a massive impact.
Talk to someone, even if it's just to find out whether there's any local support you could call upon.

Btw didnanything continue into your teens?

Having had similar experiences I childhood from the age 5-9 with what ended up being teenagers i had counselling it made me realise and accept to a degree that it was abusive as the end age gap was 9 to a 16 year old.
Seek someone to talk it through with my thoughts around it all raised when my child hit the age it all started

I'm a long time poster but I've changed my name.

A female friend and I once did similar when we were 12. Not internal but I remember a 'dares game' and 'exploring' and showing each other what we had down below. I don't know but I don't really think it's normal behaviour. I think there were circumstances that led to it.

I don't have much to do with her at all now if anything and it never happened again , but I don't think it's something everyone does. It doesn't seem normal to me looking back. We both knew what we were doing though, enough that I remember getting upset and telling my mum I did 'dirty things'

At a very early age it's different. A child of a very early age has no idea what's happening really and can't consent at all , an older child unless severely deprived of sex education and parental guidance should know what they're doing..

I am not wanting to comment too much on your individual situation as I'm not sure , I would seek professional advice . Would also echo in asking what's brought it up for you just now?

I don't think it sounds v normal personally. You are v young and outnumbered by the older boys. Was it a contrived situation that happened often?
I think you may need to speak to a councillor. I'm sorry it happened it's not v nice for you.

This sort of thing stopped after 9 I think. We moved, so didn't see most of them. One though did carry on on a way I think definitely was abusive, but I'm not sure he realised. I put a stop to it once I realised it was wrong.

I've name changed btw.

I think children showing their bits and being curious is normal. I don't think the ages are too bad tbh and wouldn't be surprised if this went on more between these age groups than people let on for whatever reason. I also think this behaviour may be looked down upon more now than it did 5/10/15/20 (delete as appropriate) yrs ago - standards about what is/is not acceptable change over the years and will continue to change into the future.

I'd ask your GP for some counselling.
It is very common for a person to start to muse on something like this when they are expecting a child - you start to think about childhood / your childhood again, it's logical.

In a safe counselling space then you can explore how you feel about it.
This sort of thing between kids the same age is fairly normal I think, but a 5 year gap is a big one at that age and, imo, a 7/9 yr old and a 12/14 year old is less usual?

Oddly enough I remember a female friend the same age as me, wanting to play 'doctors and nurse's in a way I really wasn't comfortable with. I found out years later thar she had been serially abused by her brother and dad.

I don't feel like a 'victim of abuse' but I suppose I'm wondering if my perception is skewed?

It sounds to me like a combination of natural curiosity, a general lack of kids being taught about their right to have boundaries, and possibly one of those kids having seen a bit more than they were equipped to understand.

Labelling children as abusers in this kind of scenario seems foolish to me. It seems more like a parenting failure to me, and luckily, it led to nothing worse. What made it stop?

I read somewhere that if the age gaps more than three years then it wasn't experimentation, it was abusive, but I can't remember where I read it or what the rationale was (I suppose that the older the child, the more 'power" and control they have and the younger ones are pressured. If kids are the same age they are more likely to be being just curious.

I remember in primary playing "strippers" in a shed with half a dozen boy and girl friends. There would only have been a year between us all so no older ones. It was all apparently consensual and no touching involved, lots of silly naked dancing.

We actually got caught by someone's Grandad, but I don't know if my parents were informed (nothing was ever said to me).

I have never felt it was abusive, but note that the most enthusiastic and encouraging "stripper" has grown up into a very flambouyant character. (Gay, quite feminine).. In retrospect I wonder if he had big trans/curiosity issues.

I think if you feel it was abusive, then it was abusive.