Fey Child

[HoneyBeeMum1]

I feel I am in a difficult situation and would be grateful for the advice of the Mumsnet community.

My husband and I have been living in a remote and beautiful part of the Scottish Highlands having relocated from London a few years ago. We have five children, including a boy at university in England and four girls.

My husband is the love of my life and he loves me as deeply as I love him. Our children are healthy, happy and beautiful. We are fairly insular and - until recently - did not have much social interaction outside the immediate family. We have much to be thankful for and not a day goes by that I do not appreciate our good fortune.

So far, so good.

Unfortunately, there is a potential flaw in our blissful existence and I am in a complete quandary trying to decide how best to act.

My eldest daughter - who I will refer to as 'Emily' started at secondary school this academic year. Due to our remote location and the considerable distance to school, she boards from Monday to Friday and returns home for weekends.

Fortunately, she made a friend - who I will call Sarah - who lives only a few miles from us. We have become close friends with Sarah's parents and we share travel arrangements for the girls as well as regularly socialising with them.

Everything seemed to be working so well. However, I have started to have some concerns about Sarah. She is something of a 'fey child', given to flights of fancy and strange moods. I have noticed on occasions when she has been staying at our home that she has moments when she appears vacant and I suspect she might be experiencing petit-mal seizures. I have mentioned my concerns to her mother who insists that she is fine and puts her strange behaviour down to being an only child.

Unfortunately, Sarah's strange behaviour has been noticed by the other children at school and this has led to her being shunned. They accuse her of being a witch and some even claim to be afraid of her. Sarah is also prone to tantrums for which she has been punished by her teachers.

Emily is fiercely protective of her friend which makes me enormously proud. However, I fear she will be tainted by association and that this will affect her relationships with her teachers and other pupils.

Am I being selfish and unreasonable to feel that I would prefer Emily to make other friends and distance herself from Sarah? I realise that to do so will also jeopardise the newly forged friendship between our families which I would deeply regret losing.

Your advice and opinions would be of great assistance.

Thank you.

Tell the school they need to work on their anti bullying policies.

Tell the school what's been happening and also about your concerns that the friend may have petit mal or temporal lobe epilepsy.

Oh lostintheplayground You've reminded me of a teen cult figure "Emily the Strange" which was popular about 10 years ago. The motif was on clothes, stationery and bags.... hmnnnn.

I know someone who has curly hair and brushes her teeth. The quasi-intellectual discussion about Thomas Hardy is the big giveaway.

I recall it was you that started the 'quasi intellectual' discussion about Thomas Hardy Vanilla with your cheap and inaccurate jibe. I am intrigued as to what you think it gives away. Please explain. I am sorry your 'hilarious' Arthur Miller dig fell on stony ground, despite your subsequent prompt. It really was a poor attempt, though.

I realise many contributors are just having a bit of fun at the expense of an invisible stranger, but I would like to make a few things clear for anyone in genuine doubt:

1. Sarah is not a witch. Neither does anyone who knows her seriously believe she is. The children who call her names are either ignorant, spiteful, or joining in out of fear that they will be the next victim if they fail to do so.
2. I am certain that Sarah's behaviour is not contrived.
3. Sarah is a quiet, sweet girl who does not present in any way as evil. I doubt even the bullies themselves believe she can do them harm. They more likely feign concern in order to torment her.
4. My original post was intended to give context to my situation. That is, we are a close and fairly insular family, both socially and geographically. I am sorry that this has upset some people who feel such detail was unnecessary.

Queencarpet, thank you for replying about the film 'The Daisy Chain'. I found a (rather poor) review of it on the Radio Times website. I notice that the admirable Samantha Morton stars, so I might have a watch next time it comes round. The plot has similarities to 'The Secret of Crickley Hall' and 'The Orphanage', both of which are worth watching if you get the chance.

Nope. I just said that Thomas Hardy doesn't like women. You banged on and on about it.

What colour is your pot?

What a twat you sound vanillia. The OP is being really nice and you're determined to keep things aggressive and nasty.

Wow.

Wow indeed.

I think her pot is green. tartan. natch.

Fucking hell yet another thread where posters pile in determined to rip apart the OP and just generally be spiteful and deliberately dense. What is it with the desire to come across as the most cynical poster? Is it a wish to look cool? I really don't understand the behaviour of some posters.

If you take the time to read the OP it's pretty clear what the OP's concerns are and many parents in similar situations would seek similar advice. Op seems quite reasonable to me. But hey, lets not allow reasonableness to stay in the way of good old jumping to conclusions and all round bitchiness, eh?

Quite, seal. Are these people walking around in RL pretending to be pleasant, decent grown-ups? It's cringe worthy.

What are the OP's concerns? That her DD will be bullied because of her friendship with Sarah? If so than the problem is the school, not Sarah. OP has been advised to contact the school regarding the bullying and her medical concerns but she hasn't really responded to that.

Indeed. How very dare posters question this inaccurate elaborate fairytale about a child that isnt even hers? How rude of said posters to be spiteful(?) about OP's concerns about her perfect daughter being tainted by a possibly ill child that isnt even hers.
Perhaps OP and Seal would care to consider the possibility that the term 'witch' and 'fey' are at best disablist and at worst judgemental and cruel.

I look forward to the finished story in Farmers Wives Weekly.

You're confusing 'questioning' or challenging with mocking, evil - I doubt anyone would have a problem with questioning. You're also conflating self-righteous indignation about 'disablist' terms with tearing apart a poster for daring to describe her children as beautiful, using antiquated language and having a romantic view of her life. Not very bright or honest, really.

The OP did not describe the child as a witch evil, but knock yourself out pretending that she did. I doubt if you will get much support for adding 'fey' to the disablist dictionary.

You're confusing this public forum with a cosy mumsy coffee shop. In real life, I can conflate as I wish in an unromantic fashion.
Labelling anyone as 'fey' even within an insular perfect family is cruel. Encouraging social isolation of this poor person is horrible. The fact this child is heehaw to do with OP seems to have escaped your notice.

Do excuse me, the butlers calling, I have a coven to manage.

I don't think slender is the one who's confused.

OP has been advised to contact the school regarding the bullying and her medical concerns but she hasn't really responded to that.

She's going in to talk to them, isn't she?

No evil, I challenged the OP pleasantly actually. Which is more than you did.

Careful Evilstepmum, you might fall off your righteous high horse and hurt yourself.

Your feigned offence at the word 'fey' is ridiculous. The word is neither disablist nor anything else-ist. Sarah's family and mine have a close relationship, which is something I have mentioned a number of times.

I have spoken to Sarah's mother today. She is very upset about the way her daughter is being treated and was grateful for my suggestion that we approach the head teacher together. She perceives the situation as potentially harmful to both our daughters and is keen - as am I - that their safety and friendship should be protected.

Thank you, to those of you who have made useful contributions.

OP, not sure why you're being given a hard time here, when your concerns are not unreasonable - or at least not to anyone with any personal experience of a situation like this.

I was friends with a girl who was a bit "fey" as you put it, in primary school and yes - it did hinder me in other relationships at school, BUT the girl I was friends with was lovely, and great fun to play with, just a bit strange at school, and the other girls who excluded her - and often me by association - were clearly signalling that they were considerably less pleasant. In the long term, I wish I had not lost touch with her in secondary - I suspect she grew up to be deeply cool.

I felt that I had to walk a nerve wracking tightrope to stay on side with the "cool" girls (very small school, and no, I didn't pull it off) and it was bloody exhausting. I also found that the Mean Girls would occasionally entertain themselves by "adopting" Strange Girl and excluding me.

What to suggest?

If Strange Girl is nice & your families get on, then don't try to break them up, but perhaps equip your DD with some tools to help her navigate having a wider friendship group as well without hurting Strange Girl's feelings and without compromising herself to be friends with the Mean Girls. It's okay to freeze out someone who is consistently rude about your friend, and your dd shouldn't feel that she can't.

Thank you Ican'teven, it is reassuring that you understand. My daughter is not particularly bothered about being in with the 'in crowd'. I just do not want her to be unhappy at school.

I was bullied at school and I believe it has affected me as an adult. My son has an ASD and was bullied for being different. He managed to deal with it with support from his school and family. I do not want to see my daughters suffer.

Sarah and her family are lovely people and we all spend a lot of time together. Both families have supported the girls through the transition from primary to secondary school. It can be a difficult time for any child, but when it involves long and frequent periods away from home, it can be more difficult still.

Boarding is the reality for many secondary school children in the Highlands and Islands, due to scattered populations, so schools are well prepared for managing the associated difficulties.

Well, if Sarah and her family are so lovely, why was your original post asking us if your DD should drop her?

I think I already have Vanilla. As you seem determined to believe my intentions are bad, I see no point in saying it again or apologising.

That should say 'I believe I have already explained'.

She perceives the situation as potentially harmful to both our daughters and is keen - as am I - that their safety and friendship should be protected