Fey Child

[HoneyBeeMum1]

I feel I am in a difficult situation and would be grateful for the advice of the Mumsnet community.

My husband and I have been living in a remote and beautiful part of the Scottish Highlands having relocated from London a few years ago. We have five children, including a boy at university in England and four girls.

My husband is the love of my life and he loves me as deeply as I love him. Our children are healthy, happy and beautiful. We are fairly insular and - until recently - did not have much social interaction outside the immediate family. We have much to be thankful for and not a day goes by that I do not appreciate our good fortune.

So far, so good.

Unfortunately, there is a potential flaw in our blissful existence and I am in a complete quandary trying to decide how best to act.

My eldest daughter - who I will refer to as 'Emily' started at secondary school this academic year. Due to our remote location and the considerable distance to school, she boards from Monday to Friday and returns home for weekends.

Fortunately, she made a friend - who I will call Sarah - who lives only a few miles from us. We have become close friends with Sarah's parents and we share travel arrangements for the girls as well as regularly socialising with them.

Everything seemed to be working so well. However, I have started to have some concerns about Sarah. She is something of a 'fey child', given to flights of fancy and strange moods. I have noticed on occasions when she has been staying at our home that she has moments when she appears vacant and I suspect she might be experiencing petit-mal seizures. I have mentioned my concerns to her mother who insists that she is fine and puts her strange behaviour down to being an only child.

Unfortunately, Sarah's strange behaviour has been noticed by the other children at school and this has led to her being shunned. They accuse her of being a witch and some even claim to be afraid of her. Sarah is also prone to tantrums for which she has been punished by her teachers.

Emily is fiercely protective of her friend which makes me enormously proud. However, I fear she will be tainted by association and that this will affect her relationships with her teachers and other pupils.

Am I being selfish and unreasonable to feel that I would prefer Emily to make other friends and distance herself from Sarah? I realise that to do so will also jeopardise the newly forged friendship between our families which I would deeply regret losing.

Your advice and opinions would be of great assistance.

Thank you.

Harry Potter books do not inspire children to call other children witches out of spite, quite the opposite would apply.

The bullies at school must have used different resources, maybe parents who use the term 'fey child'

I hope the school has put a stop to the bullying and name calling.

The popularity of Harry Potter is exactly what makes make disbelieve the idea that children would call Sarah a witch.

If Sarah were a snobby sort of girl who gave nasty looks and was cliquish with her friends and pretended to curse others, perhaps they might call her a witch - because witches have powers and don't like to hang out with boring non-magical people.

Sarah being a loner who spaces out - that's not witchy in any sense that a child today would consider the word.

Yes you are being unreasonable to try and discourage your daughter from being friends with the other girl. She would then be acting like the mean bullies calling her friend a witch. Worrying about your daughter becoming less popular because of a friendship with a girl who gets bullied does seem mean and shallow in itself.

Witch is a fairly unusual insult among children. The witches are the goodies in Harry Potter, mudblood would be the insult used for non witches!

Also, why are you interfering before there is any problem? Maybe your daughter being friends with the other girl will make her more popular, not vice Versa.

Vanilla - I may well have been subliminally thinking of Emily Howard when I decided on 'Emily' for this thread. We absolutely love David Walliams and Emily is one of my favourite characters. I particularly like the sketch when 'she' meets children playing football in the park.

The rest of your post was slightly Charles Dickens-esque. I prefer Thomas Hardy personally...

Thomas Hardy had a very warped attitude towards women and emphasised that fallen women must be punished.

I see your point exactly.

**However, I fear she will be tainted by association and that this will affect her relationships with her teachers and other pupils.

Am I being selfish and unreasonable to feel that I would prefer Emily to make other friends and distance herself from Sarah?**

Can you honestly not see how utterly horrible this sounds?
You suspect the child has a neurological condition, so want your child to disassociate from her lest she becomes "tainted" by being mates with her?

Yes. Yes you are being unreasonable.

Honestly you're the one sounding the most parochial and pitchforky in this scenario.

Maybe I have been mistaken and the children meant to compliment Sarah when calling her a witch, but I doubt it.

I have come round to thinking my concerns are my problem, not my daughter's. That is a relief, because the relationship between our families has been a huge benefit to us all.

There does remain a problem with the way Sarah has been treated by other children, but I am hopeful the school will sort it out.

Thank you.

Weird.

While I have absolutely nothing helpful to add, other than I hope things all work out for the best, I'm just returning to say that back on page one I mentioned it sounding like a film I had seen. It was The Daisy Chain, but I was apparently mistaken about the film's setting. In case anyone was interested. Very odd film.

Vanilla - I regard Thomas Hardy's work as more of a narrative on the injustice of society's treatment of women at the time of his writing, rather than an endorsement.

For example, Tess is a tragic heroine and the reader is invited to feel the injustice she has suffered at the hands of men she loved and the law as it worked at that time. By any reading of the story, it cannot be said to have a happy or positive outcome.

Much as I like and respect Sarah and her family, my primary concern is for my own child.

Are contributors seriously suggesting that I should prioritise another child's welfare over my own? Can they say - hand on heart - that they would do the same?

I certainly would not expect Sarah's mother, or any mother to do so. Naturally, the right solution is one that benefits both girls. If that is not possible I will always act in my own child's interests and make no apology for saying so.

Thank you Queencarpet. I haven't heard of that one, but I am curious. Is it on Netflix?

Honeybee, that would be my interpretation of Hardy too. He maintains Tess is a pure woman. I think he really disliked the Victorian idea that female virtue was tied to virginity.

Lord Summerisle called re: your appointment with the wicker man, OP

You are not prioritising another child's Wellfare over your own, you are helping your DD to grow up being a decent human being.

Are contributors seriously suggesting that I should prioritise another child's welfare over my own? Can they say - hand on heart - that they would do the same?

Of course-how is your child's welfare at risk? I mean seriously?

I am of the fey. But that is neither here nor there....I have epilepsy and some of them sound very similar to what this child is experiencing. Only a neurologist would be able to make that diagnosis. I hope this little girl gets the care she needs.

Of course-how is your child's welfare at risk? I mean seriously?

For the OP, not being 'popular' or in with the right crowd is probably a serious threat to welfare. Screw Sarah and her epilepsy and bully-victimhood, it's more important that Emily gets to hang out with influential friends.

Sorry lady Ladymonica, I have already split my sides at that 'hilarious' joke.

You are right again Chardonnay, I am trying to find a solution that benefits everyone, but if it comes down to a choice my daughter comes first.

Purpledaisy, worst case scenario - the situation is not resolved and my daughter becomes a target of bullies through her association with Sarah. I mean, seriously...

worst case scenario - the situation is not resolved and my daughter becomes a target of bullies through her association with Sarah. I mean, seriously...

And that's a reason for her do dump her friend?

I prefer Arthur Miller to Thomas Hardy.

I'm sorry but that's just pathetic. One of the lamest things I've read on here for ages, which is saying something. If your daughter is targeted for her choice of friend, you make a massive fuss at school and get the bullies dealt with.

I'm more worried about the fact Emily's mother doesn't seem bothered. If someone told me my DD seemed like she might be having seizures / having spacing out moments I would be getting her checked out by the doctor asap. But then again maybe she already has?

I can see why the other children are calling the poor child a witch to be honest, they are connecting her spacing out/seizure moments to her visiting the spiritual world, etc(not sure how to explain this properly) they are probably frightened by it and don't understand, and so in a place where time has stood still and mythical folklore still abounds they are calling it witchery.

No idea why.

chardonay & fakename et al are spot on.

I think, op, your mummy and daddy forgot to teach you that it's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice.