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Original poster

Relationship with a man 36 years my senior

100 replies

wingedphasmid · 26/11/2016 02:53

Hi folks. I've lurked on mumsnet for some time and finally joined as I could do with some advice really badly on this!

My relationship with my partner and kids dad has been basically platonic for three years. I'm in my early thirties. For two of these years I have been seeing a man of almost 70. He is also married however is in much the same situation as me. I know it's wrong but we genuinely have fallen in love. The sex and the emotional bond is staggering. This is now however affecting my reputation. It's an open secret locally and this man is wealthy and in a position of power in the community.

We see each other for about four hours every day. Literally every day, and talk more so. I don't know what to do. I can't envision leaving him - I love him too much - but at the same time I'm scared. I know his health will fail at some point and this is the reason we haven't set up a life together. I am starting to feel isolated in this knowledge.

OP posts:
LIZS · 27/11/2016 14:09

You're making a fool of your dh, and yourself. I doubt you are the first, or possibly last, to be patronised by your om. One day it will all come crashing down, career and all. How awful for your DC.

Original poster
wingedphasmid · 27/11/2016 15:02

Said career isn't directly influenced by him. He has just offered support and advice throughout.

And yes the sex is remarkable. He makes me feel like no man has before

OP posts:
Maudlinmaud · 27/11/2016 15:05

Good for you dear. Just crack on then.

AnyFucker · 27/11/2016 16:05

I think this thread is trying to incite ageism

Nasty, manipulative shit

Original poster
wingedphasmid · 27/11/2016 16:15

How? I mean really how? Age gap relationships are faced with problems. I know that only too well. People are so quick to add an ism to everything these days they can't actually talk about issues they face?

OP posts:
MadHattersWineParty · 27/11/2016 16:17

Are you facing these issues though?

Original poster
wingedphasmid · 27/11/2016 16:23

Yes. It goes without saying people comment.

OP posts:
SaltyBitch · 27/11/2016 16:25

IS your DH hurting because of the 'friendship' he knows you have?

Maudlinmaud · 27/11/2016 16:28

Look, you obviously don't give a shit about the impact of this relationship on your family or this mans family. So just get on with it. You don't need a bunch of opinions from the internet.

Original poster
wingedphasmid · 27/11/2016 16:33

I do care or I wouldn't be asking advice..

OP posts:
MadHattersWineParty · 27/11/2016 16:34

Advice about what though? You didn't actually pose a question nor have really you answered any questions put to you.

Bluntness100 · 27/11/2016 16:36

I'm sorry, but can you clarify what exactly uou are looking for by posting? You're not isolated in the knowledge his health will fail at some point, that's what happens when we get old. He could have another 20 or 30 years left and everyone knows this.

I'm assuming he doesn't want to leave his wife for you, so what,,you want permission to keep sleeping with him even though you know there is no future together and he doesn't want to make you the main act, just keep you as a member of the chorus line?

Thatwaslulu · 27/11/2016 16:45

Age gap relationships can and do work- my DH is 60 and I'm your age - but (and it's a big but) we were both single when we met and so didn't hurt anyone when we got together 17 years ago.

I don't think the age gap is in any way an issue. I think what you have to consider is that he is married and by your own admission not going to leave his wife. Whether your own marriage is platonic or not, his clearly is not and you are likely to get hurt. It would happen whether he was 40 or 70 in those circumstances.

So in truth what is your question?

SaltyBitch · 27/11/2016 16:45

Are you his only current extra marital relationship?

He's definitely your only one, but I'm not sure you're his.

wherearemymarbles · 27/11/2016 16:47

Why is it platonic with your husband?
Why are you treating like a complete cunt?
How do you know what your lovers home life is like.? He is hardly likely to be honest.
(Someone who lies to his wife can lie to his mistress)

Why dont you put your marriage out of its misery, tell your lover you're all his.
And watch him run for the hills.....

Original poster
wingedphasmid · 27/11/2016 16:51

Given he is with me almost all this spare time and texting the remainder I actually believe him in that his wife hasn't been interested in sex for some time. I do feel bad about what I am doing. I really don't know whether it's worth pursuing. I don't want to hurt my children and he doesn't want to affect his grown up offspring.

I don't know his wife. She doesn't mix socially.

OP posts:
SaltyBitch · 27/11/2016 16:55

What has your DH had to say?

Does he want to make your relationship work?

SaltyBitch · 27/11/2016 16:57

I'm not having a go either - I had an affair with a rich, unsuitable 6 years ago. I'm on your side, trying to help you work through everything that's going on in your head.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 27/11/2016 17:02

He isn't spending all his time with you though is he.

He won't leave his wife HTH.

SandyY2K · 27/11/2016 17:03

There's nothing ageist?? about this thread at all IMO. Clearly a 36 year age gap is an issue, without it being an affair.

OP - removing the age for a moment. If the OM was your age, what would your next move be? Because so so many of these MM have no intention of leaving their wives.

Your only problem here seems to be his age and potential failing health and a bit of true gossip.

You speak of a platonic relationship with your partner, but he doesn't know you have a lover. Is yours an open relationship? Or simply that you aren't intimate with your DP and you've decided to get your needs met eleswhere?

Is your DP free to date others with your knowledge?

I was going to give you a link to the OW support page on another site, but you actually don't seem to have a question as such.

You don't have an issue with what you're doing, so carry on until it blows up or until it ends in another way.

Original poster
wingedphasmid · 27/11/2016 17:08

Thanks saltybitch.

I can't say it is a question as such. More wanting to talk this through to be honest.

And of course the age gap is an issue. In an ideal world it wouldn't be. But people are very quick to judge as they have been on this thread. The matter of his health is more HIS concern than mine as he frequently mentions it.

OP posts:
Original poster
wingedphasmid · 27/11/2016 17:09

And yes, I would have no issue with my children's father seeing someone else. We don't share a bed. We barely talk aside from with the kids. He won't get a job or move from an area he knows makes me unhappy so I am sole breadwinner.

OP posts:
SaltyBitch · 27/11/2016 17:10

How is his health and how is his wife's?

Honestly, I think doing the right thing by DH would be the best course of action, whether or not you continue the relationship.

Original poster
wingedphasmid · 27/11/2016 17:13

He has had a heart attack in the past. She I know little about other than she doesn't go out much at all.

Perhaps that's what I need to do - split with DH and sort my head by myself for a while. .

OP posts:
MadHattersWineParty · 27/11/2016 17:14

Of course people have judged- but more because you're married and shagging a married man than anything to do with age.

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