Husband has online affairs

[Alumar13121]

Hi there, am new to mumsnet. I am having a hard time at the moment as I have recently discovered that my husband has a very serious pornography addiction and has had a number of online affairs with women over the past 13 years. It all came undone when I was 34 weeks pregnant with our last daughter (we have 3 under 5). I didn't even know he watched porn occasionally so has been a big shock! He was ALWAYS on his phone but I thought he was sorting out work or on Facebook etc. He claims that although he made plans to meet with the women he never followed through. He said he loved them but it was just bullshit. He would message and Skype them throughout the day and night. Most of them knew he was married and were fine with it. He took his wedding ring off for the ones who didn't know. He had always been so good to me and loving so I really am devastated. Is like my world has been ripped apart. He claims to be deeply sorry and will do whatever it takes to keep me. He sold his phone and is in therapy. We have been to a couple of counselling seas together but is tricky with 3 very young kids. I just feel so worthless and don't know what to do. He said he would die if I ever left him. Has anyone been through something similar. Level headed advice would be appreciated

Well the very least your h can do is take annual/parental leave to be with the children so that you can go to the therapist.

So sorry for you.

He admitted to making plans with the women about meeting up but he would back out whenever they looked like they could eventuate. He says he just wanted to see if they would agree. Whenever I ask how he could do this to me he says it's how he thought of it, it was all hidden behind a device, it was just stuffing around online. None of it was real, he never wanted it to be real. It was a game, it was a type of porn, no one knew. He says now the light has been shone on it all, he can see how messed up it really is (sounds like bullshit, I know). Many of the women I know about lived overseas or far away so it would have been hard to meet them.

Sorry OP he sounds like a bit of a creep.

He has spent years devoting time to these online women that he could have been focusing on you and your family.

I agree that the least he can do is ensure you get some child free time to attend counselling.

Also what sort of person makes plans to meet someone just to see if they will agree?!

Having been on the receiving end of that I can confirm that it did have a 'real' impact on me. It was a real knock to my confidence.

I'd be surprised if all these women knew he was married. He sounds like he's been leading a whole other online life.

End of day OP: decent men do not behave like this.

He most definitely was not a decent man! He will admit that himself. He said he wanted to be and now believes he can be but certainly wasn't acting like it. Most of the women knew he was married (one messaged me saying she knew and I saw a message from another) but they didn't care (they too had partners and children. A couple didn't know however. He said because most people he met online were ok with it he convinced himself that what he was doing wasn't that out of the ordinary.

I've heard a statistic like 40% of online daters are already married or in relationships so I don't think it's that uncommon.
However what he just doing at the moment is to give you a reason. ie everyone does it, he has low self esteem. So he's trying to give you something to use as an excuse for him.
It's whether or not you can ever get over it. What he's done to you is damaging. It will effect your self esteem, never mind his. Probably you need a bit of space from him to work that out. I would also think about telling at least one friend so you have someone to talk to. Your parents don't sound massively supportive.

Would be nice to have someone to talk to. That's why I came on here I guess!

He says now the light has been shone on it all, he can see how messed up it really is

And yet, after you found out and that light was shone, he still managed to "relapse"

Unfortunately the aim of this script they all use is to get you back in your box and return things to their version of normal with as little inconvenience to themselves as possible. They can then carry right on telling themselves it "isn't real" when they do it again - and after all, "she stayed last time, so it couldn't have been that bad, could it?"

From bitter experience I'd suggest that, if you choose to carry on, it isn't even the initial shock and trauma which does the damage; it's the endless gnawing doubt and resentment which will corrode your future until you don't know which way is up

Only you can decide if he's worth that ...

I am very sorry Alumar but they are right. All he wants is to go back to his perverted version of normal and carry on as he always did. He's a weak and cowardly man that can't face up to reality.

You say most of these women were far away and they blocked you. Check your bank statements and credit card statements. Some of these women are scammers and my weak and cowardly man put us thousands of pounds in debt because of them.

I have no self esteem because I have spent my life being physically, sexually and emotionally abused since childhood. As a result I didn't have the strength to throw mine out the first time as I should have done.
He has done this three times and every time the script is the same but he never changes, just gets better at hiding it.

I can tell you what he'll be like if you keep him. He won't admire you or appreciate your generosity in forgiving him, he'll regard you with contempt. If he hasn't already, he'll start the sob story about how evil and cruel you are, what a bitch you are. The latest of these online women ranted at me how I didn't deserve him because he was a loving man and I was a lazy, mental bitch who made his life hell.

He masturbates to porn beside me when he thinks I'm asleep, too. I find porn and links on his phone he can no longer bother to hide although he's also very secretive and on it all hours. I once woke to find him masturbating and clutching at my breasts so he regards me as a sex object too and has no respect for me. He can no longer have sex normally and I cringe at his touch.

He's done a good number on family and friends, too. They're all worried about HIS mental state and how depressed HE is.
Those desperate promises to stop using his phone and go to counselling petered out very quickly.

In the future I will find the strength to do what I have to do. I have children I am afraid for. I cope by blocking so much of it out I genuinely can't remember so much.

Don't end up like me. The very least he owes you if he's honestly genuinely sorry and wants to make amends is to do anything and everything in his power to help you, give you time and space and ensure you get the counselling you need and deserve. That's what a genuinely remorseful man would do, not make easy to break promises about modifying his behaviour.
I bet it's all about him and his recovery though.

My circumstances similar to Rachelrose, decided to stay in marriage after my gut feeling was confirmed 2.5 years ago. My dh admitted to using prostitutes and I also caught him out having a fling with the au pair which he vehemently denied but later admitted. I stayed in marriage for my children and because he was a good father, big mistake. To him things have smoothed over, normal life has resumed.for me, inside I'm in turmoil. Low self esteem, lack confidence in ability to make decisions.now on antidepressants and back to see a counsellor. I have asked her why the hell am I unable to leave him, why can't I just take that step and move on with my own life. She says I'm a people pleaser and have always put my own needs last. I guess what I'm trying to say is don't kick the problem down the road, inside it will tear you up. You sound so so strong so get out of the relationship now, he isn't going to change, you said earlier you can't control what he does but you can control what you do, stick by that mantra and put yourself first, mum has to be happy for her kids.

Sorry for your trouble OP but honestly:

He has FAKE profiles on Linked-In? You have to be seriously desperate to have more than one legitimate profile there. Given that he is a serial liar and cheat, what on earth makes you think that he is in any way genuinely remorseful?

Get rid of him OP. He can still be a 'good dad' to his children (if he ever was one really) - and then they can come home to you and learn how to be decent people.

You can't believe a word he tells you so there's not much point in him opening his trap at all. Sorry.

Trust me, I've lived this in 2 relationships.

He is only telling you what he thinks you know, there will be more.
My ex constantly did this, masturbating to webcam girls messaging, buying gifts for them.

He's enjoying the attention the girls give him, they're there to take his money and stroke his ever growing ego. He's selfish and always will be.

Get out now, I wish I'd of gotten out sooner, he will promise not to do it again but he'll just get better at covering his tracks.

You deserve SO much better than this, it's not your fault.

Some very good points there about the risk of scams; my own ex started off texting some woman in the Philippines, and at the point I discovered the texts she'd already started with the stories about how "poor and desperate" she was. I'll never know if he sent her money and it doesn't matter any more now

Also very wise words from Rachelsrose about the contempt he'll soon show if you stay. I wish it wasn't so, but sadly she's absolutely right

Alumar I'm guessing this has all come as a terrible shock and you're in utter turmoil. It must be a further shock to see the universal condemnation of your husband and his behaviour though I hope you feel less alone now you've read the other experiences.
I don't post too much because he's on here. He followed me a while ago when I posted about my situation under a different name and he still checks.

Take your time to settle and think about what you really want. I'm guessing there are other ways in which your husband has shown his selfishness that will also make sense to you now. I know you don't want to believe it.
You take little steps one at a time as much as you can cope. You'll get through it and we're here for you. You're going to be ok.