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Original poster

Husband has online affairs

90 replies

Alumar13121 · 25/11/2016 03:24

Hi there, am new to mumsnet. I am having a hard time at the moment as I have recently discovered that my husband has a very serious pornography addiction and has had a number of online affairs with women over the past 13 years. It all came undone when I was 34 weeks pregnant with our last daughter (we have 3 under 5). I didn't even know he watched porn occasionally so has been a big shock! He was ALWAYS on his phone but I thought he was sorting out work or on Facebook etc. He claims that although he made plans to meet with the women he never followed through. He said he loved them but it was just bullshit. He would message and Skype them throughout the day and night. Most of them knew he was married and were fine with it. He took his wedding ring off for the ones who didn't know. He had always been so good to me and loving so I really am devastated. Is like my world has been ripped apart. He claims to be deeply sorry and will do whatever it takes to keep me. He sold his phone and is in therapy. We have been to a couple of counselling seas together but is tricky with 3 very young kids. I just feel so worthless and don't know what to do. He said he would die if I ever left him. Has anyone been through something similar. Level headed advice would be appreciated

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 25/11/2016 07:43

He won't stop. He's addicted. Hell just get better at covering it up. 13 years?!?!

HerOtherHalf · 25/11/2016 07:49

I'm getting rather irritated with this increased use of addiction as an excuse for persistent unreasonable behaviour. Sorry, but IMHO, your husband is not an addict. He is a self-centred twat who has no respect for you or women in general. He says he loves you? We don't generally do things we know will devastate someone if we love them.

Original poster
Alumar13121 · 25/11/2016 08:01

I know I must seem like an idiot to most of you but you have to understand that this is someone I have spent my entire adult life with! I had no reason to suspect anything was wrong the entire time we have been together. Both our families know what he has done and whilst everyone said that what he did was wrong, they are pretty much say that we should work it out for the kids sake. They are much more concerned with him and the detrimental effect this addiction has had on his life and him as a person. No one saw it coming so I don't think anyone is facing up to the enormity of the situation

OP posts:
VintagePerfumista · 25/11/2016 08:04

And so far so script...now we move on to poor him.

You are not an idiot. He is.

He is not addicted to anything, except his own ego.

You have daughters. Someone asked you upthread how you would advise your daughters in the distant future if their husbands did this to them.

You won't tell them what your families are telling you, will you? Will you?

Then don't accept anything less for yourself.

If you let this go, then the message you are giving your daughters is that what men do. And we must let them. For the sanctity of the family.

Fuck that.

Original poster
Alumar13121 · 25/11/2016 08:09

I would probably castrate any man if they did this to my daughter. I am living in hell! I invested my entire future into something that was a lie! I am trying desperately hard not to fall apart!

OP posts:
Happyinthehills · 25/11/2016 08:11

Wow did I read that right? Your 'friends' are more concerned about him rather than you?

Original poster
Alumar13121 · 25/11/2016 08:13

My friends don't know. Both our families are more concerned about him than me as it's obvious he has a serious problem

OP posts:
P1nkP0ppy · 25/11/2016 08:25

In that case your families are almost colluding with him by not totally supporting you!
How dare they be more concerned for him! That's outrageous.

Original poster
Alumar13121 · 25/11/2016 08:30

I think everyone is in shock and doesn't know what to do. His parents also both confessed they watch porn and use chat rooms and cam sites so I guess they were defensive. I think his addiction started by looking at porn that was lying around the house and chat rooms that were left on the computer.

OP posts:
Musiclife · 25/11/2016 08:31

What?!

Original poster
Alumar13121 · 25/11/2016 08:37

I know, I'm no prude, I know there is a lot of pornography out there and a lot of people watch it but I didn't realise what a problem it can be for some people. Unlike my husband however I separate the watch porn from talking to people. It would be a lot easier to deal with if the problem was only a pornography addiction. From what I've read it's not unusual for the addiction to turn into other things

OP posts:
Esoteric · 25/11/2016 08:53

Hey, I am thinking of leaving husband because of chronic over what sapping /texting with someone we know to an inappropriate level, but it's a pee in the wind compared to this. You sound like you are almost apologising for him , I realise it's incredibly difficult with small kids, but seriously have some personal pride here and show him the door. You aren't ever going to be able to forget this. His family sound extremely dis functional. Porn is out there yes we know, but it definitely isn't normal for it to be all 'out there' with a family about.

hellsbellsmelons · 25/11/2016 08:54

Wow, this is some betrayal.
13 feckin' years!? Seriously, that's a lot of lying and cheating going on there.
I know I couldn't past it but this is your life here.
Would it help to have him out of the house for a while so you have some time and space to think about all of this.
While he is there, you won't get the headspace you need.
Maybe he could just go to his parents for 2 weeks.
Just to give you some time.
Then you really need to think about YOUR future!
Will you ever be able to trust him again?
He said he'd do anything, then totally broke that by finding an 'old phone' and carrying on.
He clearly has no intention of giving it up.
I think you need your own counselling too.
Don't rush into anything though.
Take your time.
Get yourself some space and then think about what YOU need here.

Original poster
Alumar13121 · 25/11/2016 09:41

I can't imagine getting past this... I gave birth not long and am also trying to care for my 1 year old and 4 year old so I haven't had time to process everything. Whilst the family know, my friends still think we are the perfect couple. Everyone has always thought he was a great guy, I don't even know if anyone would believe it. He claims it thrived because no one knew. He said that because it was all over the internet, none of it felt real. He told himself it was all titilation and that none of it meant anything. I don't trust him or anything he says but it's not easy to just pack up your life and leave when you have to consider the impact that leaving will have on 3 little people. My 4 and 1 year old miss him terribly even when he just goes to work!

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 25/11/2016 09:43

If he's offering a lie detector take him up on it.

I know it's a lot to take in, and to get over, but it can be done. He's not tried to blame you like many do.

I've known couples get through a lot worse with counselling, hard work and true remorse from the WS. (wayward spouse )

SandyY2K · 25/11/2016 10:01

The online cyber world has led to a great increase in marital and relationship issues. People (men and women ), think it's not real because you don't see the person. It's like a fantasy world and it can become addictive.

It's important you let him know that you're uncertain about the future of your marriage and you need time to process things. That could be months or up to a year.
Kids aren't a reason to stay, but they are a reason to give it a shot and see if you can slowly work on things. You'll never have 100% trust, but that's okay. If you can eventually get to 90%, that would be a great achievement.

You and he can get great support from

www.survivinginfidelity.com

He should post in the wayward forum.

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 25/11/2016 10:01

Sorry first it was the other women's fault for seeking him out and now it's his parents fault for randomly leaving porn around when he was a kid?!
What?!
You deserve so so so much better than this. He will never change.
This is who he is!!

Original poster
Alumar13121 · 25/11/2016 10:14

Will check out the link. Thanks for the advice. I know it's his fault. Even he admits he is the one that sought out these people and carried out this behaviour. I suppose I am looking to blame others as am in denial. I don't understand how he could do this too me. I am angry at the women as they knew he was married and I was pregnant but still went along with it anyway. They didn't think twice about destroying my family. He is the one who betrayed me tho. They don't even know me so of course they don't care about hurting me.

OP posts:
VintagePerfumista · 25/11/2016 10:30

They probably didn't. (know you were pregnant) (or that he was married) Until they tell you themselves, which is unlikely to ever happen. This isn't a traditional other woman scenario, because there are so many.

And even if they did, they didn't force him.

This may not yet have crossed your mind, but as it's very unlikely he hasn't had sex with someone else in the 13 years he's been doing it virtually, and as he is evidently very prolific in his appetite, you may want to think about an STD test.

Esoteric · 25/11/2016 10:32

In my head there is a special place in hell for women who go around messing up other people's marriages in a deliberate way , especially when they know they are married and aren't the ones where it isn't even a 'fallen in love' kind of actual relationship

Original poster
Alumar13121 · 25/11/2016 10:37

The one who wrote back to me confessed she knew he was married. The one who is still trying to contact him also knew about me as I saw the message she sent him. Don't get me wrong... they in no way forced or tempted him. He sought them out. I got tested for some STDs as part of my pregnancy screenings. I also had a pelvic exam/Pap smear at my postpartum check but will speak to the GP about any further tests recommended.

OP posts:
PickAChew · 25/11/2016 10:47

Wow, all these women looking him up!

Do you have men constantly looking you up? No, me neither and most men don't have women constantly looking them up (unless they're openly inviting that sort of attention, in the first place).

He thinks he's some sort of gift to women and is only sorry that he's been rumbled, not that he's done it. And of course he'll keep on doing it. His massive ego won't survive without it.

MorrisZapp · 25/11/2016 11:01

Wtf? Your babies grandparents think porn is totes appropes and poor boy needs love and understanding?

I wouldn't allow them near my kids. What do your own parents think, and have either set been told the full facts?

Original poster
Alumar13121 · 25/11/2016 11:08

Both sets of parents know... My dad said that if I leave it will place a huge amount of stress in him and my mum so I need to think about that. Everyone agrees that what he did was wrong but that I shouldn't leave him over it. My sister is very supportive tho and said I can always move in with her.

OP posts:
FatOldBag · 25/11/2016 11:19

Think about what your deal breakers are, then make him do the lie detector to know for sure what happened when. Lots of cheats offer a lie detector but find all sorts of reasons not to actually go through with it - watch out for "They're not 100% accurate", "if you don't believe/trust me, there's no point anyway", and lots of "oh, I just remembered, actually I did do xyz which I previously denied til I was blue in the face".