Husband has online affairs

[Alumar13121]

Hi there, am new to mumsnet. I am having a hard time at the moment as I have recently discovered that my husband has a very serious pornography addiction and has had a number of online affairs with women over the past 13 years. It all came undone when I was 34 weeks pregnant with our last daughter (we have 3 under 5). I didn't even know he watched porn occasionally so has been a big shock! He was ALWAYS on his phone but I thought he was sorting out work or on Facebook etc. He claims that although he made plans to meet with the women he never followed through. He said he loved them but it was just bullshit. He would message and Skype them throughout the day and night. Most of them knew he was married and were fine with it. He took his wedding ring off for the ones who didn't know. He had always been so good to me and loving so I really am devastated. Is like my world has been ripped apart. He claims to be deeply sorry and will do whatever it takes to keep me. He sold his phone and is in therapy. We have been to a couple of counselling seas together but is tricky with 3 very young kids. I just feel so worthless and don't know what to do. He said he would die if I ever left him. Has anyone been through something similar. Level headed advice would be appreciated

Its a good start that he wants to go into therapy and has given up his phone. Actually, where is his phone? If its an iphone it has a facility that tells you where he has been, times and dates: Settings > Privacy > Location Services > System Services > Frequent Locations

And that is exactly the issue.
So many people to keep the status quo for the reasons your DDad is outlining and it's why so many women stay in unhappy relationships.
I'm glad your DSis is being supportive.
But a break first might be better to see how you feel, he just has to move out!

Sorry but even your parents sound unsupportive and selfish. Worried about the pressure on them?! No wonder you are all over the place when you have twisted messages like this. Thank goodness for your sister.

Can't you take legal advice or go to the CAB to see where you would stand if you separated? I think you said you had a reasonable job. Honestly, staying in this "marriage" is likely to be soul-destroying for you - it is already destroying you - and I am appalled on your behalf about your (and his) family's complete lack of empathy.

Maybe you should also confide in a close friend to get another perspective.

If I were in your shoes I think I would divorce - in my own time of course.

Your parents don't get a say in whether you stay in your marriage or not. Your dad's "stress" is not your problem, particularly if it's over something that's not even about him.

I don't think your parents are being supportive at all. It's emotional blackmail to stay with him from your dad.

It should be your decision. It's you who was betrayed for 13 years, not them.

I don't see porn as the problem here. It's the online affairs.

You must now see that you can do a zillion time betters than being married to this sleazy man, for god's sake, for the whole of your relationship he has been cheating on you, doesn't matter if it's online, he's got zero investment in you, it's all in other women, and as for the webcam sex, just yuck, he's actually making me want to vomit.

Don't let his dirty little habits continue to be yours, get rid, he's no good whatsoever to you.

When did you discover this? How did you find out?

Your parents are being ridiculous! Talking about their own stress, when you are the one going through it! Ask your Mum "So, if Dad was wanking on Skype with multiple women, you'd be ok with it?" See what she replies.

I'd also ask your "D"H, how he would feel, if he found out that you had been sending pictures of your Fango to multiple men and masturbating on Skype with men?

Look, when I left my first H, my whole family asked me not to. Think of the Children was all they'd say. It was awful, like trying to swim up stream, because I had no support. But,I would not be swayed - he had cheated with 10 women! They simply had to come round. And they did. In fact, my parents realised I was doing it anyway, and by the time I moved out, they travelled 6 hours to be with me, help move me in to my new home and decorate it. Your parents will come round, trust me. Their loyalty lies with you. My parents now adore my 2nd DH and marvel at how well the kids handled it all, and they acknowledge that I did the right thing, but that they just felt panicked at me going it alone with 2 children.

Take your time. You don't have to make snap decisions. In fact, I don't think you can with a newborn. It took me 4 years to leave. Move him in to the spare room, let him do his counselling, concentrate on your children and bide your time. You owe him nothing at this point. If he asks whether you have a future, just keep saying that it's unlikely and you need space.

you have to understand that this is someone I have spent my entire adult life with

Believe me I understand completely - with me it was 30+ years In the midst of so much you can't possibly know, please know this: the extent of his deceit will be much, much worse than he's admitted, especially as he's chosen to "relapse" already, and even more because he's said he only "stopped" because he was caught - only he hasn't stopped, has he?

I'm sorry, but the families' attitudes, particularly your DF's concerns about his "stress" are frankly despicable - how very dare they, and whatever happened to solidarity and loving support??

Personally I agree with PPs' suggestions to throw him out for now; it doesn't have to be permanent unless that's what you decide, but you really need some space to come to terms with this (and hopefully to get some legal advice from a professional with no axe to grind)

Your in-laws obviously support their son because it's their child and because they're like him. Your parents should support you unless they also watch porn.

I think if my DH did something like that I could never love him again. We could probably remain together for the sake of the children but it would hurt seeing him every day and the children would feel something isn't right between us. Do you think he would forgive you if you had done something like that? Usually men expect women to understand them but not the other way round. They know their price.

Op so sorry. This is horrific. Bad enough without a new baby in the mix.

With the best will in the world your parents ( both sets) are wrong. I think that they might be thinking more about how it will affect themselves and not the impact it has on you and your dc. When my dh went missing a few years ago my dm told me it was my fault as I worked too hard and should have been at home more often to make his tea. Little wife in her place and all that. They just don't get it.

He needs to deal with his addiction, be totally and utterly honest with you, no more lies and minimising, and even then you owe him nothing.

Huskylovers advice was good.

Alumar my heart goes out to you. Currently coming to terms with the breakdown of my marriage due to very similar set of circumstances( and worse), and its hard sometimes. I have support and my kids are older.You must be going through hell but you are no alone x
The temptation will be to justify his behaviour ( I know I did), and believe he's learned his lesson.
Trust me, and I'm sorry to say- it gets worse. I have literally gone through 2 years of hell trying to fix this problem. Draw up a long term exit plan and try to harden your heart to his lies X

Thanks so much for the advice. It's so hard as I don't want to tell any of my friends as once they know they can't unknow. I also feel so stupid for not seeing it coming. I found out as I rolled over in bed only to see him lying next to me masturbating to a snapchat conversation with one of the girls (the snapchat account was one of many fake ones). He quickly put it down to just porn and continued the behaviour over the next few days but as my suspicions were aroused I did some snooping and found a lot of porn on our computer. He then came clean about the extent of the porn use and confessed to the involvement of other women. I was very heavily pregnant and just felt like a mess. Over the past few months he has been begging over and over for another chance. His therapist and family argue that the relapses are expected (I have spoken to his therapist with his permission). I have very clearly stated that anymore relapses (including just porn) will result in me leaving without question as I have already gone through too much and am showing signs of ptsd. I have seen a therapist a couple of times which was great but with a new baby and 2 other young kids I don't get any time. My husband is at work all day so there is no one to watch them

Yes the not telling anyone thing is crucifying and exceptionally isolating.You live in your own private hell. Didn't tell anyone as unlike with your family, I know they would think I was crazy to not call it a day. I'm quite a proud and independent person, and yet i knew I was acting like a mug.Didn't want others to see me that way too. I knew it was finally over when I told family. Going to the solicitor last week and telling him the full sordid story- he actually stopped me half way and said- I really have more than enough, I don't need to know more.

You are a fool to forgive him this

Tell the world and get support. Real support, not this enabling shit you are going along with

13 years ? He will not stop. This is the man he is. A dirty piece of shit who seeks sex outside of your marriage

I know I must seem like a prize idiot with no self respect for even considering staying. That's why I think I'm still in shock and don't accept what's happened. If I was looking at it from the outside I would be saying all the same things that everyone else is saying. The fact is I'm not actually a stupid person. I have a good job and can take care of myself. I'm no supermodel but from what I've been told I'm attractive. The therapist said that my problem is I'm too much of a giver and care more about others than myself. Maybe that's the case, who knows. I just never thought I'd be in this situation

Your life, your choice

Had he had a sti check ?

Alumar, my story is so like yours, I howled reading it. I too am pregnant. So sorry for you. You are NOT a fool whatever you need to do, just listen to you're gut and do what you have to do for yourself at you're own pace. Strength to you! You need time to move through this horrible mess he had landed on you.

I know I must seem like a prize idiot with no self respect for even considering staying

You have a lot on your plate and you're not an idiot. Your children are young and you have a 1 year old baby on top of all this.

I presume your husband is around on the weekend? Or evenings? Go to your therapist then. Let him look after the children for a while. Because if you split up, he'll have to do so during his time with them.

It would be good for him to get a very real sense that the marriage could end because of this.

Use the weekends to get some space. Go to your sister's and have clear thinking time.

Don't let this knock your confidence.

He has the problem. It's not anything to do with you at all.

I can tell you a great number of couples are increasingly seeking counselling (in the Agency I work with) because of porn and EAs (emotional affair, no physical contact).
Sometimes it's with people they'll never meet.

I'm not so shocked, because I see it happen a lot, but 13 years is a long time. These online affairs, give people highs ... like a drug.

Like I said. ... People have reconciled from such things. It not being physical (as far as you know) is a positive. If you check out the link I sent earlier, you'll see you aren't alone in this, although that's little comfort I know. You don't have to make a rash decision and you need to tell your husband, to stop saying he'll die if you leave him.

That's unecessary pressure on you and surely he'd want you to stay, because you want to, rather than fear of him killing himself. He knew what he was doing. He knew you'd not be impressed, but as the years went on he grew in confidence and became careless. He has to take full responsibility, without pressuring you.

I'd also look into him signing a post nuptial agreement, if you stay.

But it's a massive shock and you have a lot to consider.

I'm not sure what approach your therapist uses. Many use the person centred approach, which means you are the one who has to decide what to do.

Am very sorry for everyone who replied who is/has gone through something similar. I feel your pain. I hope to come out of this experience stronger, no matter what happens with the relationship. At the moment I feel like my life has been completely ripped apart but I am so glad that I at least now know the truth. I really hope and pray that I find the ability to pull myself together and build myself back up. I want to leave his problems to him... I can't fix them. Thanks again for the words of encouragement

You said about moving in with your parents/sister if you split.

He goes. With his tawdry shag-mags. Back to his like-minded family. You stay damn well put.

Your father sounds a prize twat as well.

Seriously, he (your father) sounds like some sort of medieval religious "for shame for shame" type.

I don't necessarily agree with posters who said he will have been meeting up with these women. It may just be all online.

I did a bit of online dating before getting together with bf and there are a whole sub-category of men out there who are just looking for online attention / chat / interaction because they are married or in a relationship.

For example one man kept me chatting and arranged two dates but would then call off the dates at the last minute. I firmly believe now that he was married. Did some googling too which seemed to back up that theory. I think he just wanted an ego boost from another women and kept me hanging as long as possible without really ever intending even to meet.

However regardless of that, is this really the sort of man you want to spend the rest of your life with? He has almost been living a double life.

It may just be all online

It may, yes - but IME, once they've started on this slippery slope, one "thrill" tends to lead to another, and all the while they convince themselves that it doesn't really count because it isn't "real"

With mine it started online, but then progressed to prostitutes (which apparently wasn't a "real" thing either ), sending wank videos, sending naked pictures of me and much more. Which is what I meant about this almost certainly being worse than OP knows ...

I'm not minimising it being all online.

I'm just pointing out there is a whole new category of cheating because of the Internet.